Being John Malkovich: The Abridged Script
By: Rod Hilton on Nov 14th, 1999 | Movie Rating: 
FADE IN:
INT. THE 7.5TH FLOOR OF A BUILDING
JOHN CUSACK hunches over on the half-floor, which is very FUNNY and will be driven into the GROUND.
JOHN finds a portal into the mind of JOHN MALKOVICH.
DIRECTOR SPIKE JONZE
Look, this film is bizarre. It is, therefore, good!
JOHN CUSACK
Wow, this creates so many questions about the essense of self.
(pause)
Audience, please take notice of all of these thought-provoking questions raised by the film.
AUDIENCE
This film must be brilliant. I mean, to just consider the notion that a human could enter the mind of another hu–
Suddenly, the AUDIENCE’S PROVOKED THOUGHTS are interrupted by something EXTRAORDINARILY BIZARRE.
INT. OFFICE
JOHN CUSACK
I am in love with you, Catherine Keener.
CATHERINE KEENER
Perhaps that is because I’m the only person in this film that bathes.
JOHN CUSACK
I say it’s more because I am unsatisfied by my ugly dog of a wife.
CATHERINE KEENER
Who’s your wife?
JOHN CUSACK
Cameron Diaz. Damn dirty bitch.
The AUDIENCE’S COLLECTIVE HEADS explode.
CATHERINE and JOHN charge money to be MALKOVICH, while MALKOVICH gains points with CRITICS for making fun of himself.
JOHN MALKOVICH
I am balding and rather odd-looking. There is also something horribly goofy about my eyes.
CHARLIE SHEEN
Look, I can make fun of myself too! Why does everyone hate me?
More people enter the mind of MALKOVICH, including MALKOVICH himself.
DAVID LYNCH
Whoa.
CRITICS
Wow! This is bizarre and original! I love this film!
AUDIENCE BRAIN FRAGMENTS
Wait, what the hell caused this portal? And why does it dump you along the New Jersey turnpike? And how did the old man get that book? And–
More BIZARRE things happen, shutting up the audience. BIZARRE things coninue to happen until the most bizarre of all things occurs: A SCENE WHICH ACTUALLY FEATURES DAYLIGHT AND CONTAINS CHARACTERS THAT APPEAR TO HAVE CLEANED THEMSELVES.
LITTLE GIRL
I love you mom and other mom who is actually my dad or at least John Malkovich is my dad but he was inhabited by you mom and by the way somewhere in the back of my mind is Cusack again, and he is also in love with one of you, mom but not the way I love you. Can I go swimming in a very inside-the-womb-like scene to ensure that the audience finds this film to have depth?
The AUDIENCE MEMBERS gather up their exploded heads and leave, refusing to think about the film to avoid a headache.
END
I think you’ve underlined one good thing here very well, Rod: how many films expect you to buy their concepts just because they’re brilliant.
Look at Eternal Sunshine, this film, Ghostbusters and even Groundhog Day. I love the latter two films (in fact, I think Groundhog Day’s great) but you’re all asking similar questions in each.
How did they come up with the memory loss program? What caused the portal? (As you said.) How did Bill Murray’s time loop come about? And how did the Ghostbusters come up with their equipment with so little money?
But hey, everything looks cool, the overall effect feels great, and the films all have original concepts, so they get well received.
This even stretches to Spielberg films - in Close Encounters you have to buy the use of music as communication with the aliens. Some have said it wouldn’t really be like that. But it feels good, so many have bought it. And then there have been those who have questioned the believability of Minority Report’s future - but hey, it looks cool.
November 10th, 2007 at 9:09 amSi:
“in Close Encounters you have to buy the use of music as communication with the aliens. Some have said it wouldn’t really be like that.”
Math is the Universal language
January 22nd, 2008 at 1:14 pmJetblac:
Good point, but how do we get across even basic math concepts without common symbols?
Easier to assume, for Hollywood purposes, that our respective biological makeup would allow us to hear tones the same way, at least to get us started.
Could be talking out my ass, especially having been an English major.
Favorite line of all: David Lynch: “Whoa.”
August 26th, 2008 at 8:32 pmIf you liked the movie, make sure you read the original script (follow the ScriptCrawler link in “Related Links” above). It’s very different from the movie, has a much crazier climax and ending and a better explanation for how they got into Malkovich’s head.
In fact, if you like Kaufman’s writing, you really, really need to read his scripts (original scripts, not shooting scripts). If you think he has a wild imagination, you need to see what he comes up with when not restrained by visual effect budgets.
November 4th, 2008 at 8:30 pmDAVID LYNCH
Whoa.
Honestly sir, I almost lost my bowel movements.
December 13th, 2008 at 10:15 pm