FADE IN:

INT. RESEARCH LABORATORY

We are shown a montage of EDWARD NORTON’S transformation into a green monster while the credits roll, allowing us to skip over all of that boring character development and jump right into scenes of EDWARD NORTON looking CONCERNED and GREEN CARTOONS BREAKING SHIT.

INT. SODA BOTTLING COMPANY - BRAZIL

EDWARD NORTON bottles soda and tries not to flip the fuck out. Some RANDOM JERKS start picking on an INNOCENT HOT GIRL.

EDWARD NORTON

Leave her alone. Don’t make me angry. You won’t like me when I’m angry.

RANDOM JERK

Why, because you’ll rewrite the entire script yourself if you get pissed off?

EDWARD NORTON

Well, yes. But moreover, I turn into a violent monster when I get angry. That’s why I got a job working in a dangerous manufacturing plant full of people.

GOVERNMENT DOCUMENT #SUK-87127-785

SCRIPT FRAGMENTS RETRIEVED FROM COCKTAIL NAPKINS AT SITE “US-447″

AREA FORMERLY KNOWN AS “4PLAY GENTLEMEN’S CLUB”

FADE IN:

INT. APARTMENT - NEW YORK

A group of WEALTHY DOUCHEBAGS gather for a party while listening to SHITTY MUSIC. MIKE VOGEL approaches T.J. MILLER.

MIKE VOGEL

Hey, I need you to take this video camera and film everyone here and anything else that happens tonight.

T.J. MILLER

Because you need me to record goodbye messages for our friend, Michael Stahl-David?

MIKE VOGEL

No, because it will be used as an obnoxious gimmick that will distract everyone from realizing our movie has no plot whatsoever.

FADE IN:

EXT. NEW YORK CITY - PARK

People walk around in the PARK while two unimportant characters have INANE DIALOGUE.

BORING CHARACTER 1

That was weird. Suddenly all of the people in this park stopped dead in their tracks and started acting like brainless robots.

BORING CHARACTER 2

Large groups of people behaving as though they have no personality whatsoever? That can only mean…

BORING CHARACTER 1

Oh shit, we’re in an M. Night Shyamalan movie!

They both KILL THEMSELVES.

FADE IN:

EXT. NEVADA DESERT

PRODUCER FRANK MARSHALL immediately proves his commitment to using CGI “only when necessary” by featuring completely necessary CGI prairie dogs in the first shot of the movie.

A bunch of cars drive through the DESERT to AREA 51. HARRISON FORD’S SHADOW, then HARRISON FORD’S SHOE, then HARRISON FORD’S ARM, then HARRISON FORD’S HAT and finally HARRISON FUCKING FORD are eventually revealed.

HARRISON FORD

Alright folks, let’s get this show on the road. I want to make it to Country Buffet by four.

CATE BLANCHETT

Pryvet, Harrison. I am evil Soviet. You vill help me find Moose and Squirrel, yes?

FADE IN:

EXT. NEW YORK CITY

SARAH JESSICA PARKER, CYNTHIA NIXON, KRISTIN DAVIS, and KIM CATTRALL talk unabashedly about SEX and obsess brainlessly over FASHION.

SARAH JESSICA PARKER

Female empowerment is great!

CYNTHIA NIXON

Yeah! Grrl power!

They illustrate this by having the men in their lives do unforgivable things to them, then eventually blame themselves and forgive the men. This allows them to live HAPPILY EVER AFTER.

END

FADE IN:

EXT. AFGHANISTAN

ROBERT DOWNEY JR. illustrates the usage of his new weapon to various military personnel.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR

I’d like to thank you all for coming to see my new weapon. As you can see, it’s a giant missile that launches smaller missiles in the air, and each small missile drops copies of In Dreams and Gothika. It’s a truly devastating power.

TERRENCE HOWARD

It’s a good thing you came all the way out to the Middle East to show this weapon, rather than one of the many weapons testing grounds in the United States.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR

Wait.. we’re in the Middle East? In a Hollywood movie? Then that means… OH SHI–

SUDDENLY, a bunch of extraordinarily well-armed TERRORISTS blow all kinds of shit up and kidnap ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

FADE IN:

EXT. SOME SMALL TOWN

ELLEN PAGE guzzles SUNNY D as some obnoxious INDIE SONG blares in the background so that everyone knows that this is an intellectual, independent film.

She enters a convenience store and meets RAINN WILSON.

ELLEN PAGE

I need to use the bathroom, as I’ve been downing delicious, high-quality Sunny Delight for the past hour.

RAINN WILSON

Sunny Delight? You mean the delicious orange-flavored drink containing a full day’s supply of vitamin C in every serving?

ELLEN PAGE

That’s right! I found it in the fridge, behind the purple stuff! Now relinquish the bathroom key geeves, I for shizz need to spout.

FADE IN:

INT. HARVARD ADMISSIONS OFFICE

JIM STURGESS is meeting with some ADMISSIONS GUY.

JIM STURGESS

As I was saying, I am extraordinarily gifted, to a point where I will obviously be unbelievably rich and successful. But because Harvard is hard to get into, I want to go here, and I believe not only do I deserve it, but I deserve a free ride. That’s how awesome I am.

HARVARD ADMISSIONS GUY

That’s all well and good, but to get a scholarship, you will need to write an admissions essay that really jumps off the page. Like maybe a story about love, loss, and ultimately redemption. Perhaps you could tell this story in obnoxious, narrated movie form.

JIM STURGESS

Funny you should mention that overused storytelling technique. You see…