3:10 To Yuma: The Abridged Script
By: Rod Hilton on Oct 4th, 2007 | Movie Rating: 
FADE IN:
EXT. THE OLD WEST
PETER FONDA, driving a carriage carrying a lot of money, is ROBBED by RUSSELL CROWE, BEN FOSTER, and a bunch of GENERIC HENCHMEN.
PETER FONDA
How original, a western starting with a robbery.
RUSSELL CROWE
How’s this for original: the typical ‘handsome villain’ role has been filled with my doughy, potato-faced self.
RUSSELL and his crew take the money and run into CHRISTIAN BALE and his kids.
CHRISTIAN BALE
Oh no, notorious bad guy Russell Crowe! You’re not going to throw a phone at me, are you?
RUSSELL CROWE
No, but if you don’t give me your horses, I’ll make you listen to some tracks from my godawful band, “30 Odd Foot Of Grunts”.
CHRISTIAN BALE’S KID
Don’t do it dad. You’ve already let a creditor cut off your water supply and burn your stable down. If you give Crowe your horses, you may as well cut your own dick off and hand that over too.
CHRISTIAN BALE
You’re right, son.
(to Russell)
Do you want the balls too, or just my dick?
RUSSELL CROWE
Just the horses, thanks.
CHRISTIAN hands over his horses, forgetting that he’s BATMAN, FOR FUCK’S SAKE.
CHRISTIAN BALE
If only there were a way for me to win some man points and teach my kids that I’m not a complete puss.
PETER FONDA
Funny you should mention that. You can help me and some other guys arrest Crowe and escort him to the train to Yuma prison.
CHRISTIAN BALE
Sounds great. But we’ll need to trick insane gunman Ben Foster into following the wrong coach so we can get a head start. Let’s hide Crowe at my house so I can endanger my family and watch my wife eyefuck him.
RUSSELL has SUPPER with CHRISTIAN BALE’S FAMILY.
GRETCHEN MOL
I think you’re a nice guy deep down, Russell.
RUSSELL CROWE
Why, because nobody can be as vile as my reputation describes?
GRETCHEN MOL
No, because everyone else in this movie suffers from lazy characterization and you sketch pictures of birds. You may as well sign them “Mr. Sensitive” or something.
EVERYONE escorts RUSSELL to town to catch the train to YUMA. On the trip, RUSSELL winds up killing his captors one by one effortlessly.
CHRISTIAN BALE
Holy shit, I really hope that some downtrodden rancher trying to prove himself is available to continue this escort once Crowe gets off the train in Yuma.
The movie gets boring, so there’s an APACHE AMBUSH followed by a scene involving golddiggers that goes absolutely nowhere. LUKE WILSON shows up in a distracting CAMEO. RUSSELL saves CHRISTIAN’S LIFE twice.
RUSSELL CROWE
I’ve think I’m growing to admire you, Bale.
CHRISTIAN BALE
Because I’m proving what a real man is made of, escorting you to the train against impossible odds?
RUSSELL CROWE
Nah, I’m just impressed you’re willing to lose and gain so much weight for movie roles. I pretty much always look like a washed up rugby player that let himself go.
They eventually arrive at the town, and RUSSELL CROWE’S GANG finally catches up to them. There’s a big SHOOTOUT between CHRISTIAN and RUSSELL’S GANG.
RUSSELL CROWE
How do you run so fast? I thought you had a wooden leg.
CHRISTIAN BALE
I do, but I realized that whole plot point wasn’t going anywhere, so I’m going to ignore it. Let’s jump across these rooftops!
Eventually, BEN FOSTER shoots CHRISTIAN BALE! RUSSELL CROWE responds by shooting BEN and everyone else in his gang.
CHRISTIAN BALE
(clutching chest)
I did it, son!
CHRISTIAN BALE’S KID
Did what? Managed to be so pathetic that Crowe took pity on you and volunteered to go to jail so that you could feel like a hero, despite being such a complete loser?
CHRISTIAN BALE
Yeah, I totally did that.
(dies)
RUSSELL handcuffs himself and boards the train.
CHRISTIAN BALE’S KID
Why’d you do that, Crowe?
RUSSELL CROWE
Maybe it’s ’cause I admire him, kid. Maybe it’s because I think he did something brave, and deep down I’m not so bad that I can’t see the virtue in righteous heroism.
CHRISTIAN BALE’S KID
That’s incredibly stupid.
RUSSELL CROWE
It sure is, boy. It sure is.
END
Makes me not want to see this movie. Saved me $8 thanks!
October 4th, 2007 at 5:49 pmThat DeLorean caption made me laugh. Nice script.
October 4th, 2007 at 6:42 pm“CHRISTIAN hands over his horses, forgetting that he’s BATMAN, FOR FUCK’S SAKE.”
That and the DeLorean caption had me laughing out loud! Another good script, Rod!
October 4th, 2007 at 7:25 pmI liked the bit about ignoring the wooden leg.
October 4th, 2007 at 8:15 pm“CHRISTIAN BALE’S KID
Why’d you do that, Crowe?
RUSSELL CROWE
Maybe it’s ’cause I admire him, kid. Maybe it’s because I think he did something brave, and deep down I’m not so bad that I can’t see the virtue in righteous heroism.
CHRISTIAN BALE’S KID
That’s incredibly stupid.
RUSSELL CROWE
It sure is, boy. It sure is.
END”
This whole part is EXACTLY what the ending was, just without the words. In fact Crowe’s speech probably was written, and everyone hated it so much that they just said “you know what? let’s just have him be silent. it’s seem prolific or some shit.”
October 5th, 2007 at 7:55 amNice script. I really liked the movie, a fun action flick with good performances, and I see that since you gave it 3 1/2 stars, you kind of did too. That’s what I love about the ratings - they prove you actually like some movies, even while you’re making fun of the occasional plot holes (aka the wooden leg).
October 5th, 2007 at 10:34 amLet’s not forget the multiple times throughout the movie Russell Crowe gets away from his captors, only to come back on his own.
October 5th, 2007 at 2:51 pmLet’s also not forget how one of Crowe’s henchmen mentions his (crowe’s) gun is “cursed” like it might actually be used in the plot later but never is.
October 5th, 2007 at 7:56 pmEccel, I think it’s Crowe himself that mentions it, when they corner him in the saloon.
I didn’t like this movie. I mean, it has some finer points, such as the quality of the acting is very good. but you know what? I couldn’t get over the corniness of it all, the improbability of motives. I’m all for suspending disbelief, but c’mon…. An evil bad guy decides to help stumpy deliver him to the cops? While his own gang is shooting in their direction? Then when stumpy DOES get shot, he gets pissed and shoots his own gang members for doing exactly what he always taught them (”Charlie is dead because Charlie was weak, and he endangered us all”)?
For all its finer points, I couldn’t get over the absurdity of the basic plot of the movie.
October 5th, 2007 at 8:44 pmMovie was crap. Worthless direction, laughable dialogue, unexciting gunfights. ‘Resurrects the western genre’ my ass. The trailer was much more exciting (hell, Open Range was better than this). Stop giving bad things high ratings, Rod.
October 5th, 2007 at 9:04 pm“Maybe it’s ’cause I admire him, kid. Maybe it’s because I think he did something brave, and deep down I’m not so bad that I can’t see the virtue in righteous heroism.
CHRISTIAN BALE’S KID
That’s incredibly stupid.” Could you not have decided that BEFORE he fucking died?
(What I was thinking as I read.)
Poor Russell Crowe. He used to be so damned hot…
October 5th, 2007 at 10:49 pm[QUOTE]Poor Russell Crowe. He used to be so damned hot…[/QUOTE]
Since when?
October 7th, 2007 at 10:27 pmSounds like a typical modern Western: boring and crappy. Glad I avoided it.
October 8th, 2007 at 8:48 amActually, this movie was great. Rod’s script was clever satire, he in fact appreciated 3:10, since most of you can’t comprehend this fact maybe that’s why you didn’t comprehend the film. :[
October 8th, 2007 at 3:28 pmIt IS difficult to comprehend awkward lines like ‘That’s immoral!’ and Holloywood’s unflinching idea that teenage angst consists of being bluntly, on-the-nose honest with their hatred towards their father AT ALL TIMES. I certainly didn’t comprehend Mangold’s bland direction or how bored he appeared during dialogue scenes and rushing through them in the most uninteresting ways humanly possible, just so we could get back to WESTERN ACTION. I guess complaints anybody has can be put down to NOT COMPREHENDING HOW BULLSHIT CLICHE THE ENTIRE FILM IS.
Fuck that. The film is bad.
October 8th, 2007 at 8:31 pmRod, if I ever win the lotto, I am kidnapping you and keeping you in vulgar luxury on the condition that you continue to do these scripts.
Love that the ‘Ext. The Old West’ never needs changing throughout. Hysterical!
October 9th, 2007 at 12:57 pmIf this movie was made, say, 50 years ago, and starred John Wayne and Montgomery Clift, it would have been hailed (to this day) as being a masterpiece of cinema and “wun herl ofa western”.
Did anyone else notice that the two leads are played by an Australian and a Welshman?
October 10th, 2007 at 12:46 amAlex,
I don’t know if you’re joking, but this movie was, in fact, made fifty years ago starring Glenn Ford and Van Heflin. It was Glenn Ford’s big out-of-type role, playing a villain with a conscience rather than the larger-than-life heroes more typical of his career.
Also? “You might as well sign them ‘Mr. Sensitive’…” Spot on.
October 10th, 2007 at 10:41 amI liked this movie a lot, but goddamn this script was hilarious.
From the picture gag (you need to add some to old scripts, Rod!) right up to the bit about giving up the horses (not genitals) was pretty well sustained, unforced laughter for me.
Greatness.
October 10th, 2007 at 12:41 pmCraig,
Consider me a cinema buffoon because I actually did not know that (and I know my fair share about movies). Thanks for the trivia.
October 10th, 2007 at 11:20 pmI assumed you were being sarcastic and actually knew about the original version, since I heard it was a remake, but I didn’t know who starred in the original.
Unless THAT post was also sarcasm and now I’m the buffoon…
October 10th, 2007 at 11:47 pmEr, is there any way we can all agree that *none* of us are buffoons and make a pact to never speak of these events ever again?
October 11th, 2007 at 11:49 pmGreat Script. Crowe has changed the name of his band from Thirty Odd Foof of Grunt to The Ordinary Fear of God. He owns a League team here in Sydney.
October 16th, 2007 at 7:48 pmDamon: Yeah, I see what Rod rated it. But I can also see that this is another sappy movie about redemption and crap, and I don’t like to see all that in a Western. Westerns are supposed to be cool, not preachy. When someone in Hollywood finally figures out what it was that made the Sergio Leone/Clint Eastwood “Man With No Name” Westerns (Fistful of Dollars, For a Few Dollars More, The Good the Bad and the Ugly) so good (unlike the stupid boring John Wayne yawn-fests, which I also hated), then maybe I’ll feel compelled to watch a Western again.
October 19th, 2007 at 9:17 amREVIEW FASTER!
October 20th, 2007 at 3:58 pmRod:
October 22nd, 2007 at 9:59 amGreat script, but for the love of God do Michael Clayton next. Good movie also but I cannot wait for your rendition. That reminds me: do Rendition as well!
Oh, and why no more polls? Still pissed the readers made you do Harry Potter?
That add about the “cute baby” is really creepy
October 23rd, 2007 at 8:55 amThis was a great movie. Strange how people talk about what a Western is “supposed to be.” Stranger still how people use Clint Eastwood’s earlier films as some sort of benchmark. Buncha wankers.
January 27th, 2008 at 8:37 amI was looking for the real script to this movie and stumbled onto this. It’s great, thanks for the entertainment.
January 27th, 2008 at 2:59 pmThe kid continued the tradition from Cruise’s War of the Worlds about being antagonistic to the father. Ruined the Cruise film and here it was ridiculous. I don’t believe in belt whipping days for misbehavior old west 14 year olds got to be 14 showing disrespect to male figures. Not saying its right. Just saying it’s true about that time. The Movie otherwise was a farce. What a depiction of a bad man that a case of friendly fire in a bounty hunters life would send him willingly to Yuma Prison. To be hanged no less - he wasn’t going to be there for years planning another escape. Was the horse supposed to keep up with A TRAIN? Ridiculous. And he, as was mentioned so telling above in prior comments, shot a man for being weak and now shoots his men as they ride 80 miles to try to rescue him? They had loyalty towards him as Charlie Prince said for something he did for him in the past. Now he kills them all for shooting a bounty hunter who wanted money and land and land is money?
February 10th, 2008 at 11:40 amEvidently, people’s tsate in movies has gone down tremendously since last I heard. This was a great movie; it had a compelling storyline, interesting characters, not to mention the fact that Russell Crowe and Christian Bale are two of the greatest actors of our generation. But this film didn’t rest on the shoulders of just two men, Ben Foster gave the performance of his career, and then Alan Tudyk played a character that you just always wanted to like.
March 13th, 2008 at 6:54 pmIf you people would stop and actually think about what was going on, you would realize that throughout this film, Christian Bale’s character is constantly trying to provide for his family, but in doing so, he not only gains the respect of his son, but also Russell Crowe(which is why Crowe just gives in, in the end). The reason Russell Crowe shot his gang was, not only did they kill a man he had a lot of (albeit newfound) respect for, but he flat out told them not to shoot, and they did it anyway, they disobeyed an order, and in a Western gang, that is not something you do. Period.
Not all Westerns have to be fast-paced bloodbaths. The film High Noon, for example, was very slow and methodical, but it is still hailed as one of the greatest westerns of all time. And for the record, John Wayne has never put out a “yawn-fest.” In fact, he is widely regarded as the greatest Western actor of all time.
I enjoyed the short script, because this movie is SO DUMB! Shoot Russel Crowe at any time–movie over. Peter Fonda is gutshot and recovers overnight! Why are they going to Christian Bale’s house? The scene with the Apache–Run, Russell, run! Shoot Russell you other guys! Shoot Russell! Russell, how did you sneak up on those indians, and WHY ARE YOU GOING BACK?!?!? Stab a guy in the throat, throw a guy off a cliff–no problem! We won’t shoot you! Christian Bale has one leg, until he needs to sprint and jump across rooftops! With Crowe inexplicably cooperating! Shoot the guy when he holds up the 200 dollars! How did that guy get burned alive without even screaming! Hey, there’s Luke Wilson! And there he goes–what what was the point of that? The ending… the ending only fits the inexplicability of the entire film!
March 17th, 2008 at 9:26 pmSpot on. “Watch my wife eye fuck him!” Hillarious! I can’t believe people are defending this movie. When you have to explain things just to prove your point that the movie isn’t inexplicable, that’s a bad sign.
Here’s the best part: “I can’t believe you’re burning me alive! How could you? I didn’t see this coming when they put me in this stagecoach of doom and REALLY LOCKED THE DOOR!”
“Hey fellas do you think you can maybe keep the door unlocked? You know just in case the gang shows up, which they are going to, because that’s the plan after all.”
“No man, that would ruin the realism! We gotta sell this thing to the guy on the ridge a quarter mile away.”
“Oh…eh…ok…if you think it adds reality. Hey, don’t forget you owe me $200 for this.”
“I promise I’ll pay you as soon as you’re back, buddy. And, hey, beer’s on me.”
PUHLEEEEEESE shoot me right after you shoot Russell Crowe
April 21st, 2008 at 9:55 pm“When you have to explain things just to prove your point that the movie isn’t inexplicable, that’s a bad sign.”
It’s a bad sign for the people on this website that they are too stupid to be able to figure out a movie for themselves and would rather blindly join the lemming-like choruses of “this movie sucks” providing only the poorly thought-out regurgitations of the previous posters for their reasonings than make a cogent argument that DOESN’T have to do with some “can i be as witty as rod hilton too lol?” ruminations on minor flaws that exist in just about every form of narrative that has existed since the beginning of civilization.
April 27th, 2008 at 4:12 am