The Abridged Script
FADE IN:
INT. HOTEL
LIAM NEESON arrives in the lobby of a German hotel with a CARDBOARD CUTOUT OF JANUARY JONES.
LIAM NEESON
Oh no, I've left my briefcase at the airport. I must go back for it. Urgently.
LIAM Hails a cab with a SUPER HOT AND INTELLIGENT YET EMOTIONALLY DETACHED DRIVER.
LIAM NEESON
Well, I guess my cardboard wife must be evil because you're clearly going to be my love interest.
DIANE KRUGER
That obvious, huh?
LIAM NEESON
Duh. The only way you'd be surprised by any "twist" in this movie is if you hit your head and forgot every other movie and TV show ever made.
DIANE KRUGER
Consider it done.
DIANE CRASHES the cab. LIAM hits his head and gets AMNESIA. Except that he remembers who he is. Except when he doesn't. It's basically how brain injuries work in a HANNA BARBERA CARTOON.
DOCTOR
You've got no money, no ID, and a severe brain injury. So naturally you're free to go. Apparently European-style healthcare is every bit as shitty as Newt Gingrich says.
LIAM NEESON
I guess I'll head back to the hotel. Urgently.
He DOES, only to discover the CARDBOARD CUTOUT OF JANUARY JONES dancing with the BLOATED CORPSE OF AIDAN QUINN.
AIDAN QUINN
Hi, I'm you.
LIAM NEESON
Nuh-uh.
AIDAN QUINN
Yeah-huh.
This CONTINUES for HALF AN HOUR. LIAM is eventually booted from the hotel.
LIAM NEESON
I'm heading for the U.S. Embassy! Urgently!
HOTEL MANAGER
I'm sorry, the embassy is closed for International Plot Contrivance Day.
LIAM NEESON
Then I'm calling my family in America!
HOTEL MANAGER
I'm sorry, America is closed, too. The whole country. All of it.
LIAM NEESON
Then it's back to the hospital. Or maybe the police. Or even the airport.
HOTEL MANAGER
Closed. Closed. Closed. Listen, we clearly introduced the hot cab driver for a reason. Why don't you go find her?
LIAM NEESON
Because that wouldn't make a damn lick of sense.
He DOES IT ANYWAY. Urgently.
DIANE KRUGER
Hi, I'm an illegal immigrant from a war-torn country with no family or any ties to anyone except the only black person in the movie, so naturally he's about to--
Gunmen KILL the black friend.
DIANE KRUGER
Yep. How did you not see that coming?
LIAM NEESON
Head injury.
DIANE KRUGER
Right. Thanks for dragging me into your deadly personal drama for no reason whatsoever. I guess I have no choice but to fall in love with you over the next 24 hours.
LIAM NEESON
Say, I didn't by any chance run into the only illegal immigrant cab driver with contacts in the dismantled East German secret police despite the fact she wasn't even in this country when East Germany existed, did I?
DIANE KRUGER
Oh, fuck it, why not.
LIAM and DIANE go visit former secret police thug BRUNO GANZ.
BRUNO GANZ
I'm a terrible person. I've been a terrible person for decades. Let me tell you just how terrible I am.
LIAM NEESON
And then you'll help us for no payment or personal gain or reason whatsoever?
BRUNO GANZ
Yeah, that's what terrible people do, right?
LIAM NEESON
Um, yes. Yes, they do. Hey, I just remembered I know exactly one person in the world other than my wife! I should call him!
LIAM calls FRANK LANGELLA. Urgently.
FRANK LANGELLA
Hey, by chance I'm in Germany right now, too! Quick, tell me where you are and the names and addresses of everyone you've talked to since hitting your head. And don't take this as blatant evidence that I'm evil.
LIAM NEESON
No, I take the fact that you're Frank Langella as blatant evidence that you're evil. Just look at you! Anyway, here's all the info you asked for.
FRANK LANGELLA
Excellent. Now why don't we meet in an abandoned parking garage as old friends often do when running into each other by chance in foreign countries?
LIAM NEESON
Sure. Just as soon as I play a quick game of cat-and-mouse with my wife.
LIAM chases a CARDBOARD CUTOUT OF JANUARY JONES around a museum for a while so FRANK has time to kill BRUNO.
BRUNO
(dying)
Wait! I have vital information to tell the audience! You're clearly an uber-awesome gang of international hitmen known as Section 15!
(dies)
INT. PARKING GARAGE
FRANK meets up with LIAM.
FRANK LANGELLA
Yes, as Bruno was just saying, we're high-priced hitmen... and so are you, Liam! This whole identity you think that's been stolen from you is just your cover story that you started to believe when you bumped your head. Kind of like when Yogi Bear hits his head and thinks he's a world-famous movie star.
LIAM NEESON
And I thought we were joking about that Hanna Barbera thing.
FRANK LANGELLA
How the fact that you have no memories of childhood or parents or going to college or getting a job or any damn thing about your alleged life didn't tip you off that it was fake -- or at least that you have very, very, very severe head trauma -- is something I guess I'll never know because I'm going to kill you now!
LIAM NEESON
Not if Diane Kruger kills you first!
DIANE KRUGER somehow sneaks up on FRANK LANGELLA despite the fact that she's loudly driving a loud car in a loud, echo-y parking garage... and then KILLS HIM.
DIANE KRUGER
Good thing I'm an illegal immigrant with no ties anyone or anything or I might feel obligated to call the police now.
LIAM NEESON
Back to the hotel! Urgently!
INT. HOTEL
LIAM NEESON
My wife and the new me are here to steal a bunch of industrial secrets and then blow up the hotel to cover it up because apparently they thought DIE HARD was an instructional video!
HOTEL MANAGER
You are clearly a crazy person, but I've got nothing better to do than to check old security tapes to see if you show up on them.
He DOES.
HOTEL MANAGER
There you are! Sacre bleu!
LIAM NEESON
Aren't you German?
HOTEL MANAGER
Yes, sorry. It just seems like snooty hotel managers should be French for some reason, doesn't it?
LIAM NEESON
Whatever! Just evacuate the building!
INT. FANCY-PANTS PARTY IN HOTEL PENTHOUSE
AIDAN QUINN
Oh no! They've ordered everyone to evacuate! We must have been found out. January, you dismantle the bomb while I run off without you.
Everyone else evacuates, but JANUARY JONES, being cardboard, just stands there until the bomb goes off.
AIDAN QUINN
Holy crap, I hope I get a more satisfying death than that.
LIAM NEESON
Consider it done.
LIAM pummels AIDAN to death.
LIAM NEESON
Well, despite the major bombing in the middle of a major city, I shouldn't find it any problem to sneak out of the rubble and out of the country. I guess that's because I now remember my life as a badass international hitman for some reason.
DIANE KRUGER
So are you back to being an evil, heartless killer?
LIAM NEESON
No, I'm still the nice normal family man I thought I was.
DIANE KRUGER
But how is that--
LIAM NEESON
BRAIN TRAUMA LETS US DO ANYTHING!
END.