FADE IN:

EXT. A BEAUTIFUL MEADOW

KRISTEN STEWART lies among the PURPLE ASTER as ROBERT PATTINSON gently runs his fingers through her OBVIOUS WIG.

ROBERT PATTINSON

Oh Kristen, I can't believe how in love with you I am.

KRISTEN STEWART

I can't believe this is the first scene in a movie about vampires and werewolves. I feel like I'm outside of Kensington Palace after Princess Diana died.

ROBERT PATTINSON

Marry me, Kristen. Where I come from, that's how you show someone you love them.

KRISTEN STEWART

Where you come from? You're not a fucking time-traveler, you were around for the sexual revolution. It's 2010, I can show you I love you just by giving you an ass pass.

ROBERT PATTINSON

Why won't you marry me? Is it because you know my career is over after these shitty movies are done?

KRISTEN STEWART

It's not that. I'm just not ready at 18 to make a decision that will last me the rest of my life. Now, when are you going to turn me into a bloodthirsty immortal vampire?

TAYLOR LAUTNER interrupts on his MOTORCYCLE.

TAYLOR LAUTNER

Kristen, I love you. Pick me instead of Robert and I promise to always stay on the steroids I used to get this ripped.

KRISTEN STEWART

Didn't we resolve this at the end of the last movie? I picked Robert, he proposed. End of conflict.

TAYLOR LAUTNER

That was before Stephanie Meyer realized people would read 629 pages of that conflict being re-resolved. Let's make out.

Meanwhile...

EXT. SEATTLE

BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD'S newest vampire, XAVIER SAMUEL, turns a lot of people into VAMPIRES, including JODELLE FERLAND.

XAVIER SAMUEL

Holy shit, what's a decent vampire film doing being spliced into the rest of this emo shit?

JODELLE FERLAND

I like being a vampire, but I'm conflicted about it. That gives me depth, put me in a spin-off!

BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD

Soon, I shall have an army of vampires! Then we can finally kill Wesley Snipes! And afterward, Robert Pattinson's family!

XAVIER SAMUEL

You're in this? Aren't you normally brought into movie franchises just as they're starting to suck? Like Spider-Man, Terminator, and M. Night Shyamalan's career?

BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD

I guess the director was hoping I'd have the opposite effect in a franchise that already sucks.

XAVIER SAMUEL

It's not working.

INT. ROBERT PATTINSON'S HOUSE

KRISTEN STEWART'S GRADUATING CLASS has a party in a DEN OF VAMPIRES. This does not proceed as awesomely as one would hope.

ANNA KENDRICK

Hey Kristen! Like, ohmigod, what did you think of my graduation speech?

KRISTEN STEWART

The one where you encouraged a room full of teenagers to go become total fuckups because nobody will hold them accountable for their mistakes while they're young? It was great.

ROBERT PATTINSON

Congratulations, Kristen. Now you can start thinking about colleges that don't matter since you're going to be a vampire soon. I majored in Basketweaving.

NIKKI REED

Kirsten, you shouldn't become a vampire. Before I was a vampire, my life was perfect.

KRISTEN STEWART

Wow, you actually get lines this time, huh? Don't blow it by overacting. Aww, too late.

NIKKI REED

100 years ago, I had a crush on this guy. One day he and his four friends got drunk, brutally raped me in the street, and left me for dead. Then I got turned into a vampire and got my revenge.

KRISTEN STEWART

You and I have wildly different definitions of perfection.

TAYLOR LAUTNER

I still love you, Kristen, and I still have an 8-pack. I brought you a graduation present, it's a Three Wolf Moon t-shirt. It only comes in XXXXL though, sorry.

ASHLEY GREENE

You guys, I just got one of my plot-convenient visions of the future. Xavier Samuel and Bryce Dallas Howard are coming here. They'll be here in four days!

TAYLOR LAUTNER

Four days to get from Seattle to Forks? That's a three-hour drive.

ROBERT PATTINSON

They're coming for Kristen. We need all of the vampires and all of the wolves to risk being killed to save her. Never forget that the life of one human is worth a hundred werewolves and vampires.

PETER FACINELLI

Astonishingly, I agree. Taylor, tell your family to meet us in the woods so Jackson Rathbone can teach you how to be Scruffy The Vampire Slayer.

KRISTEN STEWART

Wait guys, we're in serious danger of this movie becoming interesting. Is there any way that this fighting could happen offscreen while Robert, Taylor and I pout about our feelings in the mountains?

JACKSON RATHBONE

I think thassa peachy-keen idea, Krist'n. Oh look, I suddenly have a Texan accent, y'all!

EXT. MOUNTAINS

KRISTEN and ROBERT sit together in a TENT while UNDERWORLD 4 happens 1,000 feet below them.

KRISTEN STEWART

Just a little while ago I told my dad I was a virgin. He was relieved, but he's totally super lame, so I figured I'd immediately have sex with you, what do you think?

ROBERT PATTINSON

Sounds good. Wait, that doesn't involve vaginas, does it? I really hate those things.

KRISTEN STEWART

Robert, I think I'm freezing to death. I can't believe none of us thought to stop by a sporting goods store on our way to the snow-covered mountains to pick up a decent mummy bag.

ROBERT PATTINSON

Mummies?! Where?! I knew Stephanie Meyer couldn't be done fucking up monsters!

TAYLOR LAUTNER

It's alright Kristen, I'll just climb in and keep you warm while Robert watches. Audience members may want to take notes for later use in their fanfiction.

KRISTEN STEWART

Thanks, I feel better.

(pause)

Um, Taylor?

TAYLOR LAUTNER

That's my, er, tribal, uh, wand. Gotta keep it in my front pants pocket. Werewolf stuff.

Suddenly, BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD shows up.

BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD

At last, I can kill some random girl that I'm obsessed with for some reason!

ROBERT PATTINSON

Nobody scowls at my future wife except me! Fight me, Bryce!

TAYLOR LAUTNER

Future wife? You're marrying him? Despite being rejected for the entire movie, I didn't see this coming! Fuck this!

KRISTEN STEWART

Taylor! Stay!

TAYLOR LAUTNER

Is that a dog joke?

KRISTEN STEWART

Listen, I do love you. I just love Robert more. And I love the idea of being a vampire the most!

TAYLOR LAUTNER

This makes me so angry that I'm going to go fight to protect you!

He joins his PACK. ROBERT confronts BRYCE.

ROBERT PATTINSON

The audience is having trouble continuing to accept that an entire family of vampires is helpless against one measly redheaded vampire chick. This needs to end, Bryce!

BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD

I don't think so. They wouldn't bother recasting me just to have me in two scenes and then die!

(decapitated)

KRISTEN STEWART

Robert, we have to go make sure Taylor didn't get hurt, which he almost certainly did since Stephanie Meyer's magical typewriter can only produce cliches!

KRISTEN and ROBERT arrive at the BATTLE just as it's ending.

ROBERT PATTINSON

God, the last movie made 300 million dollars, how can the wolf effects still look this bad?

KRISTEN STEWART

Because the movie is going to make the exact same amount of money regardless of how they look. We're lucky they aren't drawn with permanent marker on the film reel.

TAYLOR LAUTNER IN DOG FORM is suddenly attacked by ONE LAST VAMPIRE and injured.

TAYLOR LAUTNER

Arrgggh I didn't see this coming, either!

PETER FACINELLI

The Volturi are coming. You need to get out of here, Dakota Fanning is more of a cat person.

TAYLOR'S FAMILY takes him home.

PETER FACINELLI

Seriously, where do their pants come from? Did they just keep a huge pile of pants behind a rock during the fight?

DAKOTA FANNING

Looks like I'm too late. Just wanted to remind everyone that, even though Bryce is dead, this franchise still has something slightly resembling an antagonist.

ROBERT PATTINSON

So I guess you're the one we'll have to defeat in the fourth movie, then? As long as Denzel Washington isn't on guard detail, I think we can take you.

DAKOTA FANNING

Oh, you didn't hear? The last book has been split into two movies, so there's two left.

MALES IN AUDIENCE

MOTHERFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUU

END