For crying out loud, can't you guys just swipe left like normal people.

XXX: THE RETURN OF XANDER CAGE

The Patron-Exclusive Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. OUTER SPACE

High in orbit, a SATELLITE suddenly banks a HARD RIGHT directly towards EARTH because LOOK IF "GRAVITY" COULDN'T RESPECT ORBITAL MECHANICS AND BASIC LAWS OF KINETICS THEN SURE AS FUCK THIS NONSENSE MOVIE WON'T

INT. RESTAURANT -- ON EARTH, RUH ROH!

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON meets with soccer star NEYMAR as the movie captions make an AVENGERS joke, since being a pale copy of the AVENGERS is apparently a thing this year.

NEYMAR

(waving to camera)

Hi everyone! I'm Neymar!

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

I want to recruit you for the Triple-X program, our ongoing attempt to try and say with a straight face that extreme sports is somehow equivalent to espionage training.

NEYMAR

So if I say yes, I get to star in a big action movie?

(signs autographs)

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

No, I don't really have time for this garbage so we're getting blown up now.

The SATELLITE CRASHES and BLOWS THEM UP TO THE EXTREME!!!

INT. TOTES LAME AND SQUARESVILLE CIA BUILDING

CIA PERSON TONI COLLETTE and some CIA ASSHATS are having a meeting, unaware that downstairs DEEPIKA PADUKONE is doing a MEDAL-WINNING FLOOR EXERCISE ROUTINE just to stick her foot in a door.

DEEPIKA PADUKONE

That's the kind of slick stealthy move my crew is all about!

Meanwhile DONNIE YEN does HIS version of stealthy which is to CRASH THROUGH A WINDOW AND START MURDERING EVERYBODY IN SIGHT.

DEEPIKA PADUKONE

Of course there are other schools of thought.

DONNIE YEN

We're here to steal the Pandora control system! No way am I gonna let Cameron make another stupid fucking Avatar movie!

TONI COLLETTE

Huh? Our Pandora is the satellite death-plunge device thing.

DONNIE YEN

Close enough.

He STEALS the device and then DONNIE, DEEPIKA and their CREW vanish as shadows into the night, TO THE EXTREME!

CIA DOUCHEBAG

My God no wonder the regular useless CIA was dogshit against those guys. To handle that kind of threat you'd need, I dunno, like a 15-inch cock, at least! But who could possibly have enough vestigal muscles and X-treme attitude to take THEM on?!?

TONI COLLETTE

It's true, that someone would have to have balls of steel and sperm of iron! And, perhaps, be an executive producer of this movie. But I JUST MIGHT KNOW A GUY!!

Ah ah ah, you didn't say the magic word

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