"Just hear me out, Daisy. We put a few grand of renos into this place, we can EASILY flip it for a million plus!"

STAR WARS: THE RISE OF SKYWALKER [AUTHORS' CUT]

The Patron-Exclusive Abridged Script

NOTE: This version of the script is the expanded and revised Authors' Cut made special for our Patrons. You can find the originally posted, free-access version here.
ALSO NOTE: This script is translated from the original Sith runes. We had to erase all Craig's memories to retrieve the text SO WE HOPE YOU APPRECIATE WHAT THIS COST US but seriously he got them back an hour later and he's fine now.

FADE IN:

EXT. OUTER SPACE

TITLE CRAWL

Wait! We’re not ready! Look, we had a few things planned, but then Carrie Fisher died, and Colin Trevorrow wasn’t working out, and like a LOT of people complained about stuff we did in The Last Jedi, and we kinda had to start over from scratch and, just, give us a second okay?

(hurried scribbling)

One sec...

(more scribbling)

Ahem. The Galaxy is still reeling from the teaser trailer that announced PALPATINE'S BACK BABY! Yes, after two films of silence EMPEROR IAN MCDIARMID has suddenly dropped a new record with no warning, throwing everyone's Best-of-2019 lists into turmoil. GENERAL CARRIE FISHER has sent agents in an attempt to create a "First Order Spy" subplot that won't really do much, while elsewhere ADAM DRIVER is busy wailing on forest goobers.

EXT. ALIEN FOREST

ADAM DRIVER utterly curbstomps some rando assholes with the help of a STORMTROOPER LEGION that then politely vanish when it's time for him to stop and survey the heaps of bodies everywhere. ADAM grabs a SITH WAYFINDER from a BOX and flies off!

FOREST GOOBER

(weakly)

Actually we're Vader cultists with a whole narrative behind us, to know what the fuck just happened you need only collect five cereal boxes to send away for the map to the clue to the location of the revised visual dictionary...

(dies)

ADAM DRIVER

This doohickey will lead me to the Emperor! The path leads RIGHT THROUGH this strange red goop nebula thing, yes THROUGH, can't go around, FUCK THAT!

ADAM follows the trail to a LIGHTNING PLANET and tracks down IAN MCDIARMID in a grand total of like TWO MINUTES, succeeding in a task which GENERATIONS of good guys spend DECADES failing at.

Ah ah ah, you didn't say the magic word

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