"I tell you, this city wants to eat BABIES, BABIES, BABIES!!!" (our Toronto readers are DYING right now, trust me)

RUN THIS TOWN

The Patron-Exclusive Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. TORONTO CITY HALL - 2013

A bunch of MILLENNIALS sit around the council room in the middle of the night doing POLITICS STUFF and drinking COOL REFRESHING STEAMWHISTLE PILSNER.

NINA DOBREV

So we gotta figure out if office expenses means, like, the literal room you work in, or like, your elected office. This will feed into a brief plot point later so we REALLY gotta hash this out, like, at great length.

MENA MASSOUD

Eh who cares? We gotta get people more booze! Cheaper booze, everywhere you look! Buck a beer! Oh wait, that's DOUG Ford in 2018. These Ford brothers and their hooch, I tells ya.

(chugs Steamwhistle)

INT. NEWSPAPER OFFICE - SOMEWHERE IN TORONTO

Aspiring intern BEN PLATT, having just collected his BACHELOR'S OF DOUCHERY, arrives for a job interview.

SCOTT SPEEDMAN

So tell me why you want to work here, at the Record, rather than for a real newspaper that exists.

BEN PLATT

I figure since we've sold this on being The Rob Ford Movie, and people are expecting a story built from the sensational real-life events, we should instead focus on some fictional doofus who's not based on anyone real and achieves nothing and whines a lot. That's where I come in!

SCOTT SPEEDMAN

You're hired.

BEN runs home to celebrate his new entry-level zero-prestige job but his STUPID SISTER announces she is PREGNANT with some DUMB BABY and that's considered to be MORE IMPORTANT SOMEHOW, STUPID PARENTS NOT APPRECIATING A MENIAL INTERNSHIP, GUHHH. Sadly there are no BALLOONS FOR BEN today.

INT. NIGHTCLUB, YES TORONTO HAS NIGHTCLUBS WE'RE NOT TOTAL SQUARESVILLE YOU KNOW

The Mayoral staff are out drinking more COOL REFRESHING STEAMWHISTLE PILSNER!

MENA MASSOUD

So yeah I'm special assistant to the Mayor because my grasp of politics is some galaxy brain shit. For instance, say you want to ask the Mayor about what a fuckup he is.

CLUBGOER

Like his public drunkenness, ethnic slurs, horrible AIDS comments, drunk driving, drug use, stuff like that?

MENA MASSOUD

Exactly. So what we have him do is NOT talk about his fuckupedness but INSTEAD talk about SOMETHING ELSE!!

(does "mind blown" gesture)

We invented that.

CLUBGOER

And if we mention more recent events like groping female politicians, refusing to attend Pride, setting public transit back 20 years...

MENA MASSOUD

Even easier! We say nobody cares, even if people did, and charge into the next scene.

CLUBGOER

But I thought this movie was going to address all that shit and try to shed some light on

MENA MASSOUD

FUCK THAT MOAR STEAMWHISSTLLEE AND CUT

Ah ah ah, you didn't say the magic word

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