“Mention Waterworld one more goddamn time…”

ROBIN HOOD: PRINCE OF THIEVES

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. THE CRUSADES

We open on the BAYEUX TAPESTRY, which has nothing to do with the Crusades.

DIRECTOR KEVIN REYNOLDS

Historical accuracy is for nerds.

English knight KEVIN COSTNER languishes in prison and *RECORD SCRATCH* WAIT, WHAT?

KEVIN COSTNER

Yep, you read that right! I’m English.

Fellow prisoner MORGAN FREEMAN does a spit-take with his gruel.

MORGAN FREEMAN

But...but...you’ve played a cowboy at least twenty seven times. You’re in a country band. You couldn’t be more American if you were Ron Swanson chugging Budweiser while riding a bald eagle! Aren’t you at least going to try a British accent?

KEVIN COSTNER

Maybe I would, if I wasn’t so busy dreaming of returning home...

(stares at camera)

...to ENGLAND.

MORGAN FREEMAN

Allah help us.

(sighs)

Well, I admire your confidence. Perhaps I could join your escape? I have a rock hammer and a Raquel Welch poster handy.

KEVIN COSTNER

You’d think I’d say no since I just spent ten years killing Muslims, but I guess you’re one of the good ones, so...okay!

EXT. CASTLE

Back in merry old England, Kevin’s father BRIAN BLESSED faces off against SHERIFF ALAN RICKMAN.

ALAN RICKMAN

Muhaha, allow me to introduce my creepy mask cult.

BRIAN BLESSED

Fidelio! Oh wait, the sex mask cult only meets on Thursdays, so which one are you?

ALAN RICKMAN

This is the Satanic murder one!

BRIAN BLESSED

Fuck.

(is Satanically murdered)

EXT. ENGLAND

MORGAN and KEVIN, who has exchanged his Hagrid cosplay for a medieval mullet, arrive at the CLIFFS OF DOVER. They make their merry way to NOTTINGHAM, but overshoot it by 200 miles and end up at HADRIAN’S WALL.

DIRECTOR KEVIN REYNOLDS

Geography is for nerds.

KEVIN COSTNER

So Morgan, what were you doing in that prison anyway? Weird that I’m waiting until now to ask this -- for all I know I’ve become besties with the Jeffrey Dahmer of Jerusalem.

MORGAN FREEMAN

Oh don’t worry, I just coveted my neighbor’s wife...

KEVIN COSTNER

Phew.

MORGAN FREEMAN

...and I kept harassing interns and calling them “ripe”.

KEVIN COSTNER

Dammit. Just to balance things out, how about I brag about drugging maidens with a magic plant?

MORGAN FREEMAN

Sheesh, and we’re supposed to be the good guys.

KEVIN COSTNER

Maybe we’ll get lucky and stumble across some evildoers evilly doing evil to make us look good by comparison!

KEVIN and MORGAN roll high enough on the Random Encounter table to generate MICHAEL WINCOTT chasing a STARVING CHILD with DOGS and HENCHMEN!

MICHAEL WINCOTT

This boy has committed the crime of eating, which my cousin Sheriff Alan has forbidden so that no one else will chew the scenery.

KEVIN COSTNER

Time to dish out some good ol’ fashioned outlaw justice with Robin Hood’s signature...crossbow? Jeez, we could at least get that much right.

INT. CASTLE

After sending MICHAEL packing, KEVIN makes it home at last only to find that ALAN killed his dad and replaced him with a Party City zombie decoration.

KEVIN COSTNER

Nooo! I swear I shall not rest until I have had my vengeance...but first I better go check on my old flame Maid Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio. Y’know, for, like, safety and stuff.

MORGAN FREEMAN

(smiles knowingly)

KEVIN discovers that his childhood sweetheart has grown up and GAINED SOME WEIGHT.

KEVIN COSTNER

(eyes streaming blood)

The horror...the horror!

Suddenly a MYSTERIOUS FIGURE appears and KICKS KEVIN’S DICK to teach him a lesson in body positivity.

MARY ELIZABETH MASTRANTONIO

(dramatically removes helmet)

But don’t worry, I’M your real girlfriend!

MICHAEL and his COCK-BLOCKING HOUNDS appear, but KEVIN and MORGAN escape.

EXT. SHERWOOD FOREST

KEVIN and MORGAN stumble into CHRISTIAN SLATER, NICK BRIMBLE, and their band of OUTLAWS.

CHRISTIAN SLATER

Hand over thy father’s bling or fucketh off.

KEVIN COSTNER

Never!

NICK clubs KEVIN until he reveals he’s part of the ONE PERCENT! The anti-authoritarian OUTLAWS immediately flay him in revenge for years of repression under feudalism make him their leader.

KEVIN COSTNER

Are you sure? Christian really seems to prefer the flaying option.

CHRISTIAN SLATER

(sharpens knife without breaking eye contact)

KEVIN and MORGAN lead the OUTLAWS in a TRAINING MONTAGE.

MORGAN FREEMAN

Say, you know what we need? Comic relief! Then we can be known as Robin Hood’s Gleeful Guys. Or Frolicking Fellas; I haven’t decided which sounds dumber.

On cue, drunken Friar MICHAEL McSHANE cartwheels into a tree and farts.

MICHAEL MCSHANE

Har har, alcoholism, amirite? I am also fat.

(truffle shuffles)

KEVIN COSTNER

You’re hired.

INT. CASTLE

MICHAEL delivers the bad tidings to ALAN.

MICHAEL WINCOTT

I’m sorry, cousin, but so far Kevin has stolen all of your money, a horse's mane worth of hair plugs, and two and half hours of the audience’s life that they’ll never get back.

ALAN RICKMAN

And oh look, he left a note: “Now I have a longbow. Ho-ho-ho”.

ALAN cranks his NIC CAGE DIAL from National Treasure to Face/Off.

ALAN RICKMAN

Kevin may have robbed me blind, but from here on out I’ll be so ludicrously off-the-wall that I’ll steal every scene I’m in!

MICHAEL WINCOTT

For some reason, we just can’t find the entire fucking city he and his men built in the forest. And the peasants love him because he gives them what he takes from you.

ALAN RICKMAN

The same peasants I've spent years torturing, starving, and killing? Why have they forsaken me, WHYYY?!

MICHAEL WINCOTT

‘Tis a mystery. Say, how come I decided to give you this terrible news in the armory, when you're surrounded by swords? And oh look, you've picked one up. And are walking towards me. And --

(stabbed to death)

ALAN RICKMAN

This movie only has room for one bad guy with greasy black hair and a cool voice!

EXT. SHERWOOD FOREST

MARY comes for a visit and catches a glimpse of KEVIN’S lily-white ASS.

MARY ELIZABETH MASTRANTONIO

Gasp! I am now in love. I just can’t resist your weak chin and nasal voice!

KEVIN COSTNER

Don’t forget the wooden acting.

MARY ELIZABETH MASTRANTONIO

(ripping open bodice)

Take me now!

The MERRY MEN have a party. CHRISTIAN tries to dance with MARY, but is banished to the Kingdom of Friendzonia so she can boogie with KEVIN.

KEVIN COSTNER

Henceforth, I shall be known as...Dances with Outlaws.

Since it’s been a while since much of anything happened, NICK suddenly remembers his wife SOO DROUET is pregnant.

MORGAN FREEMAN

I’m conveniently a doula, so perhaps I can assist?

MICHAEL MCSHANE

No way, never trust a heathen!

SOO DROUET

A drunk old white guy insulting Muslims -- finally, an accurate depiction of England.

MORGAN delivers the BABY and also SOLVES RACISM!

INT. GENERIC LAIR OF EVIL

ALAN meets with witch GERALDINE McEWAN.

GERALDINE MCEWAN

Your own soldiers haven’t been able to get the job done, eh? This is a tricky one...

(consults the bones)

(draws a Tarot card)

(plays with a ouija board)

I suggest you...hire DIFFERENT soldiers!

ALAN RICKMAN

Outsourcing a plan that basic doesn’t exactly make me seem like an evil genius, does it?

GERALDINE MCEWAN

Oh and put a baby in Mary so your royal heirs will rule England forever.

ALAN RICKMAN

That part I like. By the way, why exactly are you helping me?

GERALDINE MCEWAN

In the extended edition -- yes, that’s right, you could watch even more of this movie! -- I reveal I’m your mother. But for all the casuals, we can leave it at furthering my Vaguely Satanic Deep State Agenda!

EXT. SHERWOOD FOREST

ALAN hires some Braveheart EXTRAS and attacks the camp.

KEVIN COSTNER

This isn’t what I expected when that voice in the trees said, “If you build it, he will come”!

ALAN RICKMAN

You new guys run around and let Kevin’s treetop archers turn you into pincushions until my men remember they have flaming arrows. We could have just started with those, but we wanted to give Morgan another chance to use that ridiculous pirate sword.

ALAN captures MARY and most of the OUTLAWS!

CHRISTIAN SLATER

Dammit, Kevin, this is all your fault -- if only you had stayed in jail and let Alan keep attacking and killing the peasants, he wouldn’t have just attacked and killed the peasants!

(dramatic pause)

Also, I’m...your BROTHER!

KEVIN COSTNER

I should have known -- you’re the only guy here who sounds even more American than me.

BRIAN BLESSED’S GHOST

So I had a peasant side-piece. Sue me.

KEVIN COSTNER’S DADDY ISSUES

(are magically resolved)

EXT. NOTTINGHAM

KEVIN and MORGAN plan their daring rescue.

MORGAN FREEMAN

How about I invent gunpowder? I will also wrap myself in toilet paper.

KEVIN COSTNER

Fitting, seeing how much we’re shitting on this classic tale. And I shall ride a catapult!

Battle commences! It’s in danger of becoming a halfway-decent action scene, so naturally MORGAN slams on the brakes.

MORGAN FREEMAN

Wait, wait -- I just realized we got halfway through the final battle without an inspirational speech!

CHRISTIAN SLATER

Fine, just go back and add one before you start the big rescue, I guess?

MORGAN FREEMAN

...OR I could just shoehorn it in right now!

He DOES.

INT. CASTLE

ALAN rushes through his MAWAGE to MARY.

ALAN RICKMAN

“Man and wife”, say “man and wife”!

KEVIN COSTNER

(crashing through window)

Hello. My name is Robin Hood. You killed my father. Prepare to die!

ALAN RICKMAN

Just in time to stop the gratuitous rape scene!

MARY ELIZABETH MASTRANTONIO

Jesus, that’s pretty dark for what’s basically a kids movie, isn’t it?

ALAN RICKMAN

Uh...what if it’s a wacky gratuitous rape scene and we throw in some erectile disfunction jokes? That makes it better, right?

It DOESN’T. KEVIN and ALAN jump and flail around with their swords for a while while MARY does DIDDLY SQUAT.

MARY ELIZABETH MASTRANTONIO

Oh, for the love of FUCK! Why bother even establishing me as a badass swordfighter if I’m just going to swoon around when it could actually come in handy?

DIRECTOR KEVIN REYNOLDS

Badass female characters are for nerds.

Meanwhile, MORGAN hangs out in the hallway and gives MARY a run for her ducats to see who can contribute less to the fight.

MORGAN FREEMAN

Shouldn’t I be duelling Alan’s right-hand-man or something?

ALAN RICKMAN

(sheepishly stares at the floor)

GERALDINE appears in a puff of smoke.

GERALDINE MCEWAN

Don’t worry, Morgan, you can spear a feeble old lady instead!

MORGAN FREEMAN

Drive this, Miss Daisy.

GERALDINE MCEWAN

(speared)

ALAN RICKMAN

How dare you have a more over-the-top death than me!

ALAN runs into KEVIN'S DAGGER, then staggers around for a solid ten minutes before finally collapsing.

ALAN RICKMAN

(blows raspberry at GERALDINE’S corpse)

(dies)

EXT. WEDDING

KEVIN and MARY arrive in their best medieval influencer chic -- but what’s this?! SEAN CONNERY bursts onto the set for a cameo sure to please all two of the Robin and Marian stans out there.

KEVIN COSTNER

We just had to remind everybody one last time that a real Brit could have played Robin Hood, huh?

SEAN CONNERY

Shuck my longbow, Lockshley.

BRYAN ADAMS rasps over the credits to ensure that whatever is left of the audience leaves quickly.

BRYAN ADAMS

(to the tune of (Everything I Do) I Do It For You)

Look anywhere you like

You will see

Better Robin Hood movies

Stick with Flynn

Stick with Crowe

When it comes to Costner

Baby just say no

(chorus)

Don't tell me you wouldn't rather see

Cary Elwes, or that fox from Disney

You know it's true

But I wouldn’t view

This piece of poo

END.

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