Whoever catches the bandolier, gets to play Most Dangerous Game next time!

READY OR NOT

The Patron-Exclusive Abridged Script

ADVISORY: This movie features a family who built their fortune on board games. Regular readers will realize what this means. Now that you've been warned, proceed at your own Risk 2210 AD...</a>.

FADE IN:

INT. SPOOKY OLD MANSION OF MADNESS AT 13 DEAD END DRIVE, LATE AT NIGHT – 1989

Two KIDS are running about in their PJs being chased by a GROOM IN DISTRESS! The OLDER KID hides YOUNGER KID inside a cupboard but comes face-to-face with the DOOMED GROOM just as the rest of the FAMILY finds him!

GROOM OF DOOM

(frantically)

Aieee nooo! Please don’t kill me! It’s just a game, JUST A GAME!!! NOOOOO

EVIL MOM

Nothing can save you! DIE YOU MISERABLE FUCK!!!!

The FAMILY stab and impale and skewer DOOMED GROOM and drag him away to be horribly murdered!

BRIDE

We REALLY should stop playing Pictionary.

INT. THE SAME MANSION – 2019

One of the kids has grown up into MARK O’BRIEN, who is about to marry NON-immense-family-fortune-having person SAMARA WEAVING.

MARK O’BRIEN

Thank you so much for marrying me, even though it means putting up with my horrible family. Though it’s not like they’re demon-worshipping murderers or anything! Ha ha ha. I swear it'll only be garden-variety snobbery, belittling, passive aggressiveness, and regular aggressiveness, for the next 40-60 years.

SAMARA WEAVING

It's okay, I love you babe. And I already flashbulbed all the servants to make sure this isn’t a Get Out situation. My only real concern is your aunt Nicky Guadagni, who seems to have literally stepped out of Frankenstein 1910.

NICKY GUADAGNI

(appears in plume of smoke)

(death-glares)

(eviscerates cat)

(vanishes in larger plume of smoke)

MARK O’BRIEN

(coughing)

I agree she can be a bit much. Anyway let's introduce the rest of my family to the audience...

ADAM BRODY

I'm Mark's older brother, and I forced him into the closet when we were kids. Literally, I should add.

ANDIE MACDOWELL

I'm their Mom and I think you two will be just fine. The fact that I'm the only one being super nice and smiling might lead you to suspect deception on my part, but the thing is, you're absolutely right.

HENRY CZERNY

I'm Mark's Dad and fuck you.

Despite the FAMILY'S attempts to clog the SKILL CHECK with improper cards, MARK and SAMARA nevertheless complete the WEDDING CEREMONY objective and retire happily to their room.

Ah ah ah, you didn't say the magic word

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