FADE IN:

EXT. FLORIDA

ALEX PETTYFER rides a jetski in the ocean and risks getting his PERFECTLY GELLED HAIR wet.

ALEX PETTYFER

I Am Number Alex, an alien from a destroyed world. My dead parents sent me to Earth as a child to live among you, and since I look like an ordinary teenage human I can blend right in.

SCREENWRITER ALFRED GOUGH, CREATOR OF SMALLVILLE

Which is absolutely NOTHING like Superman.

SCREENWRITER MILES MILLAR, CO-CREATOR OF SMALLVILLE

"Superman"? What's that? I sure don't know. Uh-uh. Not I.

INT. ALEX'S HOUSE

ALEX and his "guardian" TIMOTHY OLYPHANT move to OHIO, which is totally NOT Kansas.

TIMOTHY OLYPHANT

If we lay low the evil Mogadorians that want to murder the shit out of you won't find us.

ALEX PETTYFER

Mogadorians? Is that really what we're calling the bad guys?

TIMOTHY OLYPHANT

Cooler sounding names wasn't in the budget. They blew most of the money on the Hulk Dog.

ALEX PETTYFER

The what?

TIMOTHY OLYPHANT

You'll see.

ALEX PETTYFER

So why do The Mogadorians want to kill me so badly anyway?

TIMOTHY OLYPHANT

That's actually a very good question that will never be brought up or explained. I think it has something to do with killing you numbered alien kids in order or some stupid shit like that. Whatever. It's really not that important.

ALEX PETTYFER

Wait, why do we have to be killed in numerical order? And how do the Mogadorians know which number we are?

TIMOTHY OLYPHANT

Uhhhhhh...

ALEX PETTYFER

And what do the Mogadorians get if they kill all us alien kids? Shouldn't the audience know why the bad guys are going through all this trouble to---

TIMOTHY OLYPHANT

STOP ASKING PERFECTLY REASONABLE QUESTIONS!

TIMOTHY uses his LAPTOP to ERASE all videos and pictures of ALEX from the INTERNET because COMPUTERS ARE MAGIC.

TIMOTHY OLYPHANT

If only I could erase all traces of suck from this movie as well. Hmm. Perhaps I can just erase "Hitman" from my IMDb page instead?

He CAN'T.

ALEX PETTYFER

Timothy, I'm bored so I'm going to school to learn. I'll make sure The Mogs don't find me.

TIMOTHY OLYPHANT

The what?

ALEX PETTYFER

The Mogs. It's short for "Mogadorians". I thought it sounded more "hip". You Americans still say "hip", right? And "Dawg"? You know, like that singer "Snoopy Diggity Dog"?

TIMOTHY OLYPHANT

(pause)

Get the hell out of here before I hurt you, Alex.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL

ALEX sees a BLONDE GIRL who could be TERESA PALMER, but it's actually DIANNA AGRON.

ALEX PETTYFER

Hey, whose bright idea was it to cast so many blondes?

DIRECTOR D.J. CARUSO

A brunette once compared producer Michael Bay to Hitler so he's only hiring blondes from now on.

DIANNA AGRON

Hello Alex, I'm Lois La--- I mean Dianna. I like photography and... that's my only character trait. I guess making me interesting or giving me any hint of a personality wasn't in the budget either.

ALEX PETTYFER

Doesn't having a vagina still count as a character trait?

DIANNA AGRON

It does in Hollywood.

JAKE ABEL appears and BULLIES ALEX in the most CHILDISH and NONTHREATENING way possible, so as not to be TOO CONTEMPORARY.

JAKE ABEL

That's right! I'm the obligatory jock/douchebag in EVERY high school movie EVER MADE! And I'm handing out free wedgies! You want one?

ALEX PETTYFER

Well if they're free I don't see why not---

(gets a wedgie!)

CALLAN MCAULIFFE

Hi Alex! I'm Chloe Sulliv--- I mean Callen! And I sure do believe in ALIENS!

ALEX PETTYFER

That's good! This movie has lots of ALIENS!

CALLAN MCAULIFFE

I also believe in ORIGINALITY!

ALEX PETTYFER

Oh, well, then I'm afraid you're shit out of luck pal!

During class, ALEX's hands suddenly turn into FLASHLIGHTS!

ALEX PETTYFER

Damnit! I've heard of hairy palms, but not flashlights! Is this going to happen every time I think about boobs?

Later, ALEX takes DIANNA out to a CARNIVAL and tries to FUCK HER, but JAKE and his LACKEYS decide to COCK BLOCK. This forces ALEX to use his FLASHLIGHT POWERS to BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THEM!

DIANNA AGRON

Did you just use your superpowers to try and kill a bunch of dumb kids?

ALEX PETTYFER

Um, was I not supposed to do that? I guess with great power comes great... stupidity?

DIANNA AGRON

It does now.

INT. EXTREMELY DARK BASEMENT

ALEX goes looking for TIMOTHY and uses his FLASHLIGHT ABILITY to see in the dark, because flipping a FUCKING LIGHT SWITCH would just be too much bother.

ALEX rescues TIMOTHY, but THE MOGADORIANS arrive! They look like EVIL SHARK ALIENS in TRENCH COATS! LITERALLY. SHARKS. In MOTHERFUCKING TRENCH COATS.

ALEX PETTYFER

THESE are the villains? It's like Gary Busey fucked Jaws and these guys are what popped out.

TIMOTHY OLYPHANT

Cooler looking aliens wasn't in the budget! I told you! Hulk Dog!

ALEX PETTYFER

What the hell is up with this Hulk Dog? Does it somehow become my new guardian after you die?

TIMOTHY OLYPHANT

Wait, what do you mean after I die?

ALEX PETTYFER

Uhhhh, yeah, about that...

An EVIL SHARK ALIEN STABS TIMOTHY!

ALEX PETTYFER

Oops, I guess I should've used my flashlight powers to stop that from happening, huh?

TIMOTHY OLYPHANT

Ya think?! Dipshit!

(dies)

EXT. DIANNA'S HOUSE

ALEX PETTYFER

Dianna, I kinda have a bunch of evil shark aliens trying to kill me so I was wondering if you would---

DIANNA AGRON

Stay at home where I'll be safe and out of mortal danger?

ALEX PETTYFER

---come with me, thereby putting you directly in mortal danger.

DIANNA AGRON

Huh, well that seems like kind of a dick thing to do, but sure Alex, I'll risk my life by coming with you.

ALEX PETTYFER

Really? But why? You barely know me and watched me almost kill some people with my freaky alien flashlight powers. Shouldn't you be deathly afraid of me and strongly against going anywhere with me?

DIANNA AGRON

Uhhhhh...

ALEX PETTYFER

What have I done to make you risk dying for me besides almost making you fall to your death and having stupidly gelled hair? Exactly how dumb are you?

DIANNA AGRON

STOP ASKING PERFECTLY REASONABLE QUESTIONS!

INT. HIGH SCHOOL

ALEX and DIANNA decide to hide out in the school's DARK ROOM for some reason, but the EVIL SHARK ALIENS find them!

This forces TERESA PALMER to finally show up. We know she is COOL because she wears FINGERLESS GLOVES and acts like she has a 12 INCH PENIS. TERESA has POWERS like ALEX, but she uses a GUN and a KNIFE instead because NO REASON.

TERESA PALMER

Awi! Good thing I brought me knawf!

DIANNA AGRON

Why does she talk like that?

ALEX PETTYFER

She's from the backwater part of my planet where everybody sounds like Paul Hogan.

DIANNA AGRON

Well I hate her.

ALEX PETTYFER

Why? Because she's hotter than you?

DIANNA AGRON

No, because she was in all the ads and TV spots and I wasn't, even though she's only in this piece of shit for like 10 minutes! Who the hell is this bimbo?

TERESA PALMER

Aw'm noomba seex.

ALEX PETTYFER

Number Six? Oh good! So tell me, was Starbuck an angel? And did the Cylons really have a plan or what?

Suddenly a GIANT FUCKING EVIL ALIEN BAT DINOSAUR CREATURE appears and attacks ALEX'S STUNT DOUBLE!

But that's also when ALEX'S GIANT MOTHERFUCKING HULK DOG shows up and fights the EVIL GIANT BAT CREATURE THING! The SCREEN becomes one big SHITTY CGI EFFECT!

ALEX PETTYFER

So... THAT was the Hulk Dog we spent the whole budget on? That didn't have jack shit to do with anything! Who signed off on this crap?

PRODUCER MICHAEL BAY

(clears throat)

ALEX PETTYFER

Ooooooh. Right. Of course. Forget I mentioned it.

TERESA continues to FIGHT OFF the EVIL SHARK ALIENS but she's WEAKENED, so ALEX powers her up with his FLASHLIGHT BEAMS!

TERESA PALMER

Red Bull's for pussies!

(actual line from the movie)

RED BULL EXECUTIVE

Great, there goes a shitload of ad money we'll never get back.

EVIL SHARK ALIEN leader KEVIN DURAND appears and is about to kill ALEX! But ALEX uses the power of IMPLAUSIBILITY and SLOW MOTION to EXPLODE THE SHIT OUT OF KEVIN!

KEVIN DURAND

Damnit! Just for once is it possible for me to NOT die in a movie I'm in?

(pause)

No? Well shit.

(explodes!)

EXT. FIELD

ALEX and his friends meet up with JAKE.

ALEX PETTYFER

Jake? What the hell are you doing here?

JAKE ABEL

Oh, didn't you hear? We're friends now.

ALEX PETTYFER

WE ARE?! But you were a total asshole to me and Dianna earlier! You were an abusive bully and stalker and now we're FRIENDS?!

JAKE ABEL

Didn't you see that whole Mega Pterodactyl vs Giant Hulk Dog fight sequence? Us becoming friends for no reason is the least of this movie's problems.

ALEX PETTYFER

Well, maybe they'll explain it in the sequel. Number Two's gonna be HUGE!

JAKE ABEL

No movie could ever be a bigger steaming pile of Number Two than this was. By the way Alex, what's the name of your next movie?

ALEX PETTYFER

Beastly!

JAKE ABEL

Holy shit I was wrong. I really should stop asking perfectly reasonable questions, huh?

ALEX PETTYFER

YES YOU SHOULD!

END