"And THEN I'll be a Disney Princess, and THEN I'll star in a Best Picture Nominee, and THEN... shall we look at your career again, Rupert?"

HARRY POTTER AND THE SORCERER'S STONE

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. SUBURBAN STREET WHICH IS PERFECTLY NORMAL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH

To ensure no one sees him doing any magic, RICHARD HARRIS causes a bunch of LIGHT BLOBS to fly around the street. He prepares to delivery a SURPRISE BABY, so he rings the doorbell and explains the unfortunate situa-

RICHARD HARRIS

By the Beard of Gandalf, no I do not! I just had to endure three hours comforting a sobbing emo, I am NOT missing Honeydukes’ Voldemort-is-Dead-Also-Halloween-Was-Yesterday sale on fudge bites. Drop the baby on the doorstep and we’re good to go.

MAGGIE SMITH

Are you sure about that, Professor Harris? I’ve been watching these people all day, and have deduced them seriously abusive twats.

RICHARD HARRIS

No, Harry must live with family. For you see, his mother’s sacrifice keeps him safe from Lord Voldemort, and if Harry doesn’t live with his mom’s family it’ll stop working or something. Care for some skittles?

ROBBIE COLTRANE

Er, I don’ mean to be rude... but how the ruddy hell do yeh know tha’?

MAGGIE SMITH

Yeah, if no one saw exactly how Mrs. Potter died, how do you know this never-before-seen phenomenon will keep Harry safe?

ROBBIE COLTRANE

And does tha' protection apply to Voldemort’s henchmen, also? Is this protection motive-based? And will tha’ keep working after Voldemort gets some of Harry's blood and thus removes the—

RICHARD HARRIS

(spitting out chocolate)

OH MY GODRIC, you guys. This is a Chris Columbus movie with Chris Columbus pacing, if you keep delaying things I’ll be Michael Gambon by winter. Move along!

INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE OF BULLYING AND ABUSE, ALSO IT’S TOTALLY LAAAAAME

DANIEL RADCLIFFE spends ten years trying to not to get punched in the head or locked in a cupboard to starve, both of which he fails at INSTANTLY.

AUNT FIONA SHAW

DANIEL GET’CHYER ELBOWS IN THE FRYING PAN ‘FORE I SHOVE HOT GREASE ALL OVER YOU

UNCLE RICHARD GRIFFITHS

WE DON’T LOVE YOU DANIEL, FRANKLY WE CAN’T STAND LOOKING AT YOUR STUPID DAMN GLASSES, GET BACK T'YER PRAYER CLOSET SO WE CAN LOVE OUR PORTLY SON MORE

HARRY MELLING

muhbuhbwahbuhbwabuh

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

I’m so dreadfully sorry, Aunt Fiona. Here’s your obviously raw bacon for the Pigboy. Remember kids, even when bullies pick on you for being a nerd and reading Harry Potter, there are always fat kids to pick on.

Suddenly SATAN’S EVIL OWLS attack the FOSTER PARENTS and PIGBOY until they beg for mercy.

UNCLE RICHARD GRIFFITHS

THAT DOES IT! We’re going to live on a barely-standing shack on a stormy rock for the rest of our lives.

HARRY MELLING

muhmuwhubuhbuhmuh?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Harry’s right, this plan is terrible. The shack is a wreck. It’s probably about to cave in and crush us.

ROBBIE COLTRANE

(bursting in)

Yeah, it’s practically comin’ apart at the hinges!

(breaks door, couch, American Second Amendment)

Yer a wizard, Daniel.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Wow!

(blank stare)

They sail away. Presumably DANIEL’S FAMILY is found days later, having cut off their son’s pig tail and eaten it for food.

EXT. UNIVERSAL STUDIOS ORLANDO

The strange man leads a child behind a seedy bar. They emerge into a Wizarding Strip Mall, THANK GOD.

ROBBIE COLTRANE

Remember kids, you too can be a wizard like Harry Potter this holiday season! All yeh need is o’ wish list, o’ mall, and o’ parent with a credit card! And don't forget, if they don't buy it, they don't love yeh and yeh should run away to live at Hogwarts!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Wow, I’m rich and famous? How did my parents get all this money?

ROBBIE COLTRANE

Yer grandparents sold overpriced hair cosmetics and yer dad was their trust-fund baby.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

...Wait really?

ROBBIE COLTRANE

Cast “Muggleus Googleus” on that. Now go choose yer wand, and try not to blow up several hundred galleons’ of merchandise while yeh do.

After shopping, DANIEL and ROBBIE sit in a bar for a whole month before ROBBIE DITCHES DANIEL because he needs to clean up PILES OF GIANT DOG SHIT.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Excuse me, can you help me get onto Platform 8 and 21/12ths?

JULIE WALTERS

Certainly, little boy! You run at this wall and hope you don’t crash into the total dipshit walking right past the spot where children are constantly bursting through a solid wall. Seriously, you miss him by like two inches, go watch it again.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

I’ve seen it twenty times already, no thanks.

RUPERT GRINT

Wait for me! You’re Harry Potter, that’s so cool, will you buy me candy so I can be your best friend for life?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

I’m sorry, I can’t hear anything you’re saying because I’m too busy staring at that rat crawling across your groin. I just... it’s right there. RIGHT THERE.

RUPERT GRINT

Who, Scabbers?

(picks up rat)

Does ‘oo Scabbers want the shnuggles? Does Mr. Scabbers want to cuddle with Ronnie in bed for sleepytimes?

(nuzzles rat on his cheek)

AUDIENCE WHO HAVE SEEN MORE THAN TWO INSTALLMENTS

(vomiting)

INT. HOGWARTS COMMUNITY COLLEGE

Everyone gathers to hear a welcome speech from RICHARD HARRIS.

RICHARD HARRIS

I’d like to thank all the Muggle-Borns and poor families who don’t pay tuition; you keep our liability insurance waaay down. Now to sort you into Houses, but we won’t tell you the difference between any of them. Just know we make one of them answer tough exam questions every time they want to go to bed, and another one sleeps in a windowless basement.

SMUG FUCKING PRICKS

I’m definitely Ravenclaw. My supreme intelligence dwarfs all my other traits, please concur.

RICHARD HARRIS

(opening pack of Drooble’s)

Yeah, sure. You guys have ALL the brains, alright.

(blows bubbles)

EMMA WATSON

Oh goody, I can’t wait to appeal to all these new friends by being a vexatious, detestable snob! Look Daniel, I’ve read all about you, I even looked for and memorized your dad's school trophies! Let me stick my wand in your face!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

(backing away slowly)

EMMA WATSON

And I’ve read all about this place! Did you know, according to “Hogwarts, A History,” that the school grounds tend to completely shift layouts over the summer?

RUPERT GRINT

(looking around)

I see they’re on “Most Boring Configuration Possible” right now. Like, we found some random grass behind the studio and built a fake wall around it.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

I’m gonna be a wizard! Live vicariously through me, everyone!

DANIEL learns how to become a WIZARD in a series of semi unrelated scenes that aren't DRAMATIC, FUNNY, or even particularly INTERESTING.

This eventually includes ALAN RICKMAN teaching POTIONS.

ALAN RICKMAN

There will be no foolish critical analysis or appealing to non-fans in this class. As such, I don’t expect many of you to understand anything this series half-heartedly explains, to shrug and say “I guess the books explained whatever that was,” however for those... select....... few.......... who possess............. the foreknowledge from reading...

He sees DANIEL doing the horrible crime of TAKING NOTES IN CLASS.

ALAN RICKMAN

Misssster Radcliffe. Tell me what would I get if I added visually-interesting storytelling to a movie with a focus on character development?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Uh... Alfonso Cuarón?

ALAN RICKMAN

Let’s try again. Where, Mr. Radcliffe, would you look if I asked you to find me the qualities of a good adaptation?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Um... genuine emotional drama and imaginative vision?

ALAN RICKMAN

Wrong, the answer is “Excessive details for minor characters’ backstory.” Mr. Radcliffe, what is the difference between a Lupin and a Moony?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

I don’t know, sir, but are you going to complain about it every time you hear the word “Azkaban” for the next twenty years?

ALAN RICKMAN

Fifty points from Gryffindor. Today we’ll be brewing healing potions.

Everyone makes LYSOL.

INT. GIANT CASTLE WITH ONLY ONE JANITOR WHO CAN’T DO MAGIC

After taking a flight lesson that goes so horribly the teacher is fired and never seen again, the students go to their NEXT CLASS.

PROFESSOR WARWICK DAVIS

Today we’ll be levitating objects! Tickle your noses with feathers, and you’ll fly! Or use your wands.

RUPERT GRINT

Uh...

(throws feather in air)

WingardiumlevioSAA oh look it’s floating!

EMMA WATSON

You’re saying it wrong. It’s Wingardium LevioNYAH NYAH RUPERT SUCKSa.

(feather floats)

Emphasis on the second NYAH.

RUPERT GRINT

Oh YEAH? Well when you grow up, you’re going to marry me!

EMMA runs off sobbing.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Dammit Rupert, what if some early Shrek rendering attacks her in a fifty-foot-high bathroom and we have to rescue her with booger jokes that reeeeally don’t jive with the rest of the series?

RUPERT GRINT

Then we’ll get House Points, and she’ll needlessly lie to the teacher and LOSE House Points!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Does that help the House get points?

RUPERT GRINT

Bloody hell, I dunno, math is an elective and I’ve never been to school before. I’m surprised I can even spell, really.

But PROFESSOR MAGGIE SMITH thinks they are COOL so she gives DANIEL a super-expensive broom and puts him on her sports team, massively rigging the game in favor of richer players.

PROFESSOR MAGGIE SMITH

I have a summer job at EA Games.

EMMA WATSON

Holy Cricket, Alan Rickman’s trying to make Daniel fall off his broom! He’s trying to KILL HIM!

RUPERT GRINT

Knocking someone off their broom is a murder attempt? Bloody hell, that looks like Slytherin’s whole strategy!

DANIEL wins the big game! He celebrates with the other JOCKS by pumping iron then bumming around the locker room.

INT. SOME RANDOM PLACE SOMEWHERE

Exploring in his new INVISIBILITY CLOAK, DANIEL wanders by sheer chance into a room with a magical MIRROR that shows him his PARENTS. Transfixed, DANIEL returns the next night to gaze upon their faces, but RICHARD HARRIS is already there.

RICHARD HARRIS

(slams Daniel into wall)

DANIEL DIDJYA PUT’CHYER FACE IN THE MIRYA OF ERISED

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Aaah! No sir!

RICHARD HARRIS

(smokes a fizzing whizzbee)

Ah, I’m just fuckin’ with you. This mirror contains no knowledge or truth. Except the knowledge of what your parents look like. Whoa, I outsmarted the mirror, dude!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

...were you just hanging out in here last night, invisible, watching me? What were you doing in here? How did you know I’d be here?!

RICHARD HARRIS

Kid, you have no idea.

(starts opening pack of Cockroach Clusters)

You know that Snitch you just caught? I fished that out of the trash and plan to hold onto it for six years in case I find a magic doohicky I decide you need.

(packet bursts)

(Cockroach Clusters spill everywhere)

You know how much random stuff of yours I must hoard? How long I must stand here, or watch you sleep later? For DAYS! It’s all part of the plan!

(crawls down on floor, picking up Cockroach Clusters and shoving them into his mouth)

Don’t question the Dumblebrain!

(crunchy crunchy crunch)

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

...I’m going to bed now.

INT. ROBBIE COLTRANE’S SAD ONE-ROOM SHACK, DOES THIS PLACE EVEN HAVE A SHOWER OR DOES HE JUST SCRUB HIMSELF IN THE LAKE WHEN NO ONE’S LOOKING

DANIEL, RUPERT, and EMMA sneak outside at night for absolutely no reason.

EMMA WATSON

Of co-ahse! Professor Rickman is trying to steal a Philosophy Stone, which causes infinite wealth and immortality!

ROBBIE COLTRANE

I’m so lonely. I'm a virgin. I've done anal for the giant squid.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

(actual line)

Robbie, we know he’s after the stone, we just don’t know why!

ROBBIE COLTRANE

...Why would anyone want infinite wealth and immortality? Such a mystery, DURRR.

RUPERT GRINT

Will you tell us more if we help you hatch your dragoWOW how did I ever think that looked real?

TOM FELTON'S FLOATING HEAD

You think that’s bad, look over there.

A CLOAK ON A STICK

Wooo, I’m Voldemort, woooOOO!

(runs like a scared little bitch)

NUMEROUS POORLY COMPUTER-GENERATED CHILDREN

(getting thrown around like rubber, slamming into walls and swung like lassos)

WE WERE ALWAYS IN YOUR CHILDHOOD.

RUPERT GRINT

Blorp. I think I want to vomit.

INT. COMMON ROOM

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Alan Rickman plans to use the Philosophical Stone to resurrect Voldemort and make him actually threatening instead of a Halloween prop.

EMMA WATSON

But we’re safe as long as Richard Harris is here! What’s Rickman going to do, steal the Stone while Professor Harris is SLEEPING? P’shaw!

LETTER

Dear Professor Harris. You are urgently needed at the Ministry of Magic, right now, for a meeting scheduled to last all night. We expect you to sit around in the empty atrium after you arrive and wait to receive further instruction.

RICHARD HARRIS

(doing a line of Acid Pops)

Legit!

(vamoose)

INT. TINY ROOM WHERE A GIANT DOG HAS BEEN LOCKED ALL YEAR, I’M NOT SAYING DUMBLEDORE’S AN ANIMAL ABUSER BUT

The trio plan to steal the Philosophize Stone before RICKMAN can. Thankfully this security system involves going through the real-life stages of the Harry Potter Video Game.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Blast, Rickman’s already been here. I knew we should have gone right away instead of waiting five hours!

RUPERT GRINT

Well since we know an evil wizard is down that dark passage, we won’t need THIS!

(chucks invisibility cloak)

EMMA WATSON

And it’s a good thing Rickman left his harp behind to lull the dog monster to sleep, because we didn’t bring any kind of instrument with us even though we know that’s the only way to get past this first room!

(pause)

We really don’t belong in Ravenclaw, do we.

RUPERT GRINT

Of course not! We’re the house of bravery and AAAUGH ATTACKING VINES HEEEEELP I FEEL MYSELF BECOMING A USELESS CHUMP

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

(fighting flying keys)

How am I not getting shredded to death by all these attacking shards of metal?

They land on GIANT CHESS BOARD!

EMMA WATSON

This is very original.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Okay, the pieces will kill us if we’re taken. So one of us should stand in the King square, then the other two can wait at the back—

RUPERT GRINT

Everyone get in a separate square on the board, so we have to defend four pieces instead of one!

(about to lose)

Oh. I kind of deserve that. Farewell my friends, I hope my noble sacrifice will—

A chess piece SHOVES HIM OVER and he hurts himself slightly.

RUPERT GRINT

That wasn’t bad! Wait, if I stay awake I’ll have to watch the stupid ending coming up, so...

He pretends to be asleep.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Emma, take this broom and fly Rupert’s limp body past the attacking keys and evil plants and hungry dog monster, then send an owl to Professor Harris so he’ll only be nine hours late to help us. I... must go on.

EMMA WATSON

Since I’m the best at spells and you’re the best flier, maybe we should- Wait, we have a BROOM?! Why didn’t we just FLY over the chess bo

INT. FINAL BOSS ROOM

DANIEL meets the true villain, PROFESSOR I-I-I-IAN HART, whaaa?

IAN HART

Ha! It is I, the nerdy professor! You all thought it was Alan Rickman, but you were fooled by your own prejudice!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Truly we were blinded by our own image-based assumptions. We should never judge a book by its cover, or a professor by his sketchy behavior and needlessly unpleasant demeanor.

IAN HART

Now, Daniel Radcliffe, I will destroy you, just like I destroyed your mother and father right in front of you when you were a child!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Not this time, Ian! I've come to stop you!

NOBODY MOVES.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Um, I didn’t think past this part.

IAN HART

Me neither. Actually, I can’t get the Stone out of the mirror, so if you hadn’t shown up I’d be 100% fucked.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Oh, can I go then?

Suddenly, DANIEL finds in his pocket... the PHILOGIAL STONE! And IAN rips off his turban to reveal, on the back of his head... LORD NOT RALPH FIENNES!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Eww, have you been there all year? During all Professor Ian’s boring classes? During his showers? Does he feed you? How do you breathe? What if you need to itch your nose? WHY DO YOU HAVE A NOSE?

NOT RALPH FIENNES

Keeeyill him! Keeeyill him!

IAN jumps on a SPONGIFY TILE and presses his BARE HAND on DANIEL’S SKIN! All seems lost, until DANIEL presses his BARE SKIN on IAN’S HAND! IAN starts to dissolve!

IAN HART

AAAAAAAARGH WHY DID MY FIRST SCENE IN THE MOVIE IMPLY I KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN AAAAAUGH

DANIEL fries and dissolves IAN’S FACE, dooming some poor teacher to grade an entire extra set of final exams.

INT. HOSPITAL WING

DANIEL wakes up next to a PILE OF CANDY and RICHARD HARRIS gnawing the eyes out of a squirming Chocolate Frog.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

So, Lord Voldemort – and by extension, Ian – couldn’t hurt or even touch me without the attack immediately rebounding upon him, and I was never in danger from him at all. Right?

RICHARD HARRIS

Basically, yup.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

So, if Ian had succeeded in knocking me off my broom during the Quidditch match, would I have landed safely while Ian splattered into meaty chunks all over the stands?

RICHARD HARRIS

I’ll have to remember that next time Voldemort tries attacking you.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

I saw Ian die, so can I now see thestrals?

RICHARD HARRIS

See what?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Can I meet your friend Nicholas Flamel?

RICHARD HARRIS

It’s a letdown, trust me.

At the school feast, RICHARD makes an announcement.

RICHARD HARRIS

Thanks to the incredible heroics of Daniel and his friends, Gryffindor House wins the highest honor the school can give: a trip to the Bean Bonus Room! And since Professor Hart showed us relying on references and vetting can still result in errors, we’ve decided to abolish all hiring standards whatsoever, for your safety. See you next year!

PARENTS IN AUDIENCE

I want to die. Please drive this toy wand through my skull.

DIRECTOR CHRIS COLUMBUS

Yeah, sure. You think you're so big now. You won't think it's so funny to mock me when your damn kids make you sit through my godawful nineteen-and-a-half hour franchise a hundred more times.

END

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