"Okay everyone, 'Larger than Life' on Six! Seven! Eight!..."

DOOM

The Patron-Exclusive Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. OUTER SPACE

The UNIVERSAL LOGO transforms into MARS, THE RED PLANET, home of GHOSTS, WARLORDS, and MISSIONS TO. We get a good long look at MARS because after this, the whole movie might as well happen in SOME ASSHOLE'S BASEMENT.

INT. MARS BASE - MARS

Inside, SCIENTISTS run and scream as UNSEEN THINGS chomp them! One final scientist reaches the broadcast room and begins CLOSING THE DOORS despite another scientist running towards him!

OTHER SCIENTIST

Hey, this is like an elevator door that re-opens if I put my arm in the way right?

(arm chopped off)

My optimism was misplaced.

(eviscerated)

FINAL SCIENTIST

Besides, I was already clearly indicated as Final Scientist. Anyhoo, time for the ominous distress call that doesn't really explain shit, and people would have investigated the loss of all communications anyway, and fuck my life.

The DOOR is forced open by A SHADOWY BEASTIE!

BEASTIE

Your time is up, Final Scientist! I am your...

(makes finger guns towards title sequence)

...DOOOOM!!!

(winks to camera)

INT. MILITARY BASE - NEVADA, EARTH

Meanwhile, DWAYNE JOHNSON sorry, too early for that, DWAYNE "THE ROCK" JOHNSON nope, he's not even at that stage yet, it's still plain old THE ROCK, receives the emergency orders for his CRACK TEAM of SPECIAL OPS BADASSES!

THE ROCK

Okay team, sound off! My own large muscular back, present!

RICHARD BRAKE

(sleazily)

Earth's skeeziest creepazoid, present!

(makes Netflix "Cuties" poster)

DEOBIA OPAREI

Stoic guy, present!

RAZAAQ ADOTI

Talkative guy, present! Also, this is set in the future, right? Why am I playing what looks like a 1980s Sega Handheld Baseball game?

BEN DANIELS

Religious guy, present!

YAO CHIN

Guy with almost fuckall to do in this movie besides be Asian, present!

AL WEAVER

Young guy, present!

ANY FEMALE MEMBER OF THIS TEAM WHATSOEVER

Utterly absent!

THE ROCK

(nods)

Okay. Not a lot of star power, but that's why I'm here. My Big Hero charisma will easily carry this thing.

(grin, sparkle tooth effect)

Everyone gear up and-

KARL URBAN

(grumbling into frame)

Grumpy ornery rugged bastard famous guy with a DARK PAST that must conveniently be confronted during this crisis, present.

THE ROCK

Well damn. Don't worry though everyone, I'm still the big hero!

KARL URBAN

Of course you are.

Everyone GEARS UP and heads over to a SUITABLY SCI-FI FUNKY STRUCTURE which proves to be a FANCY ELEVATOR, GOING DOWWWWN.

KARL URBAN

Oh, for a moment there I thought that was the Mars Gate. I should have realized that since this is based on a 1990s video game, the actual Mars Gate is 10,000,000 miles underground.

THE ROCK

This way, gentlemen!

Everyone tromps over to a DULL METALLIC ROOM and then JUMPS into a SUSPENDED LIQUID GLOB THING which takes them to ANOTHER DULL METALLIC ROOM but THIS one is on MARS!

Ah ah ah, you didn't say the magic word

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