FADE IN:

INT. FLORIDA APARTMENT - 1980

ROGER DALE FLOYD and ALEX ESSOE DANNY LLOYD and SHELLY DUVALL have escaped the haunted murder hotel.

DANNY LLOYD

Wow, we actually got Danny Lloyd back and CGI'd his face so he's five years old again!

SHELLY DUVALL

(we're using the old names, screw it)

Oh Danny hon, who would ever be that foolish? Seriously, recasting works FINE, coughDarkFatecough.

DANNY LLOYD

Oh boy, we get to see Shelly Duvall's infamously misogynist portrayal of Wendy, too!

SHELLY DUVALL

Ahem, I seem to recall arming myself at the first sign of danger, defeating my crazy husband single-handed, rescuing your ass, and driving us to safety. Stephen King's Wendy wandered stupidly into a series of dangerous situations needing the men to rescue her from again and again, eventually becoming an injured deadweight the males had to literally drag through the climax.

DANNY LLOYD

Yeah, but you CRIED a lot.

(shudders)

And over there, it's the Room 237 lady, making her first of roughly 217 appearances. Ahh, she's still reaching for me!

ROOM 237 LADY

Actually I was hoping you could hand me a towel...

DANNY shoves her in a tiny BOX in his mind with all the effort of unplugging a night-light. Then he does the same with all the other GHOSTS, because all along they were easy to get rid of and weren't scary at all.

EXT. ELM STREET (CUTE, FLANAGAN, REAL CUTE)

Danny has grown into EWAN MCGREGOR, who quickly blows through an alcoholism storyline ending with a speech about his loving father, implying EWAN'S SHINING POWERS include SELECTIVE MEMORY.

CLIFF CURTIS

Congrats on the sobriety, Ewan! Perhaps I could introduce you to Bruce Greenwood, he can get you a job at his hospice.

EWAN MCGREGOR

Hello there. Well Bruce, I think my complete lack of medical experience would be a benefit to the-

(looks around)

Wait, why the hell are we in the manager's office from the Overlook?

BRUCE GREENWOOD

It's a reference!

EWAN MCGREGOR

Yeah, but... to what, exactly?

BRUCE GREENWOOD

The job interview from The Shining!

EWAN MCGREGOR

(pause)

But we're not IN the Overlook, what's the point of-

BRUCE GREENWOOD

You're hired!

EWAN starts his new job as an orderly and sees a DYING OLD MAN.

DYING MAN

Doctor, I'm scared. What if there's nothing beyond death? Will my memories and soul disappear? Will it hurt to die? How can I find peace in the face of oblivion?

EWAN MCGREGOR

Such deep, heavy questions. You have nothing to worry about, because

(psychically)

MAAAAGIC POWWWERS.

DYING MAN

Oh, if MAGIC POWERS exist then I'm fine. You want to answer with anything of substance, chap?

EWAN MCGREGOR

(psychic)

GHOSTS ARE REEEEAL and that's COOOOOL.

DYING MAN

I see. Well, if you could set that bucket next to my leg, I would like to kick it now.

Somewhere around here EWAN sees a stupid fucking zombie baby or something that goes "Whyameewahayet" at the camera, allowing the DEAF AUDIENCE to feel smug because they have subtitles explaining what that thing is saying and what the hell it's doing here. Anyway, we never see it again.

Meanwhile, the PLOT:

EXT. TRAILER PARK

REBECCA FERGUSON leads a pack of VAMPIRES who are harvesting Shining children for their STEAM!

REBECCA FERGUSON

We must find the steeeeamy children! Their steeeeam will preserve our youth for years! Yes, children everywhere shall fear the name... REBECCA THE HAT!

ZAHN MCCLARNON

"Rebecca the Hat?" Yes, line up next to Freddy the Sweater and Samara the Nightgown.

REBECCA FERGUSON

Can it, Zahn the Jockstrap. We must kidnap Jacob Tremblay, he has the Shining so he is a very steamy child. Let's tie him down and moan orgasmically over his squirming body.

ZAHN MCCLARNON

...Ew?

EMILY ALYN LIND

If all these kids we're after have the Shining, how are we kidnapping them so easily? Isn't "sensing danger" their whole deal?

REBECCA FERGUSON

Their Shining is diluted from watching too much Netflix, oh my God I just said that for real. Also the Shine makes you an X-Men now, this girl can Magneto things.

EMILY ALYN LIND

(huffy)

I can't believe you won't just artificially steam-flavor some children as a substitute.

ZAHN MCCLARNON

Artificial steam was possibly linked to between three and six deaths. Clearly they all need to be banned.

EMILY uses her MIND CONTROL to kidnap JACOB TREMBLAY, who they MURDER.

REBECCA FERGUSON

No, wait, first we must milk him!

EMILY ALYN LIND

Of his steam?

REBECCA FERGUSON

No, that's Jacob Tremblay! We need his acting talent! MAKE HIM EMOTE! DRAIN THE TEARS!

They torture JACOB who screams in HORROR AND PAIN! Then they torture him some more and he does some screaming with OVERTONES OF HORROR and MINGLED SHADES OF PAIN! Then the scene cuts away like it's over, then it cuts back to JACOB GETTING STABBED AND SCREAMING! Finally, Jesus Christ, it's over for REAL.

REBECCA FERGUSON

Hmm... I sense we are being watched by a steaaaamy child. Ooh, she's got more powerful steam than all the farms in Colorado put together... I must have her!

REBECCA senses the air for a moment, then turns around and TORTURES JACOB A BIT MORE. While he is getting stabbed, Jacob SCREAMS IN HORROR AND PAIN, so the vampires have mercy and torture him for some additional screams of HORROR AND PAIN.

REBECCA FERGUSON

He’s not suffering enough! Quick, make him watch the 1997 miniseries!

JACOB TREMBLAY

AAAAAAUGH! AAAAAAAUUUGGGGGGGGG GGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

Take however long you're imagining this scene to be and multiply it by at least four.

EXT. TUUUUUUUESDAY!

KYLIEGH CURRAN is the Shiniest child, and she tracks down EWAN MCGREGOR with her powers.

KYLIEGH CURRAN

Hi, I have a mental link with a chalkboard. Sorry, I meant to say I'm Jack Nicholson's long-lost granddaughter SORRY let's start over, I'm Kyliegh, I have all the powers except the ability to dodge silly plot points.

EWAN MCGREGOR

Wow, you have the Shining! What's it like for you?

KYLIEGH CURRAN

My eyes go white and the rooms tilt all Inception-style and people flicker transparent and sometimes I look like a character from RWBY!

EWAN MCGREGOR

Oh. I just waggled my finger. Somehow that was way scarier. Anyway, what brings you to me? I interpret dreams for a nickel.

KYLIEGH CURRAN

There's a pack of immortal psychics traveling the country and torturing children, enslaving their tormented souls to feast on, storing them in a freezer like a mini-fridge for Dementors. Want to stop them?

EWAN MCGREGOR

Pass.

KYLIEGH CURRAN

...Wow. You're a dick.

SCATMAN CROTHERS

Yeah, dude, way to be a dick.

EWAN MCGREGOR

Carl Lumbly Scatman Crothers! Boohoo I'm sad you died, it definitely would've been better if Jack had popped out and given you an owie, completely diminishing his threat.

SCATMAN CROTHERS

Says the guy who could've sent me a psychic warning or maybe a simple "Look out, Scatman!"

EWAN MCGREGOR

I mean, now we know you could have locked all the ghosts in psychic boxes during your lunch breaks, but whatever.

EWAN and KYLIEGH plot to kill some I-Don't-Know-If-These-Really-Count-As-Vampires with FEELINGS.

KYLIEGH CURRAN

So, first, I thought we could set a mental trap for Rebecca, allowing me to break into her mind and wear a funny blue wig.

EWAN MCGREGOR

Perfect. What will we gain from that?

KYLIEGH CURRAN

Nothing, although it will establish her as totally weak and nonthreatening.

EWAN MCGREGOR

A triumph. What next?

KYLIEGH CURRAN

I need you to drive all night, dig up Jacob's body, and bring me his baseball glove so I can track the vampires' movement.

EWAN MCGREGOR

And what do we learn from that?

KYLIEGH CURRAN

They're in a car! They can DRIVE!

EWAN MCGREGOR

Another triumph.

KYLIEGH CURRAN

And even though I blew up a refrigerator near Rebecca from 200 miles away, I won't attempt to do the same with their car and kill them all, until later when we do exactly that.

CLIFF CURTIS

You guys are terrible, have you considered just shooting them?

(busts out rifles)

EWAN MCGREGOR

Ooh, another chance for one of my pupils to learn force-projection!

CLIFF and EWAN lure the steam-huffers into a forest with ILLUSION KYLIEGH, then pop out with the GUNS!

EMILY ALYN LIND

Oho, we psychic beings ALSO carry sudden cavorts of firearms everywhere, just in case we need to BUST OUT A RIDICULOUS GUNFIGHT!

(whips out gun arsenal)

EWAN MCGREGOR

Too bad one of the little-known powers of the shining is FURIOSA SNIPER-SKILLS, BABY!

(shoots)

The vampires go down like pussies. Each dies in a STEAMY EXPLOSION reminiscent of methy cows dumped in a Yellowstone hot spring. Cinemas across the world are hit with shockwaves of laughter.

EMILY ALYN LIND

(sublimating)

WELL NOW THAT I'M DYING, IT SEEMS LIKE THE BEST TIME TO REMEMBER I HAVE POWERS, SO WILL THE LEAST-DANGEROUS PERSON HERE PLEASE KILL HIMSELF

(poof)

CLIFF CURTIS

Ah, kablooie.

(Redrum'd)

Meanwhile the REAL KYLIEGH is kidnapped by ZAHN MCCLARNON, but EWAN pulls a Dark Phoenix and telekinetically kills ZAHN by crashing his car into BETTY GABRIEL.

KYLIEGH CURRAN

You deserve this pain, Zahn. You...

(coughs)

Ick, ick, I inhaled a bit of him! BLEUGH!

EWAN and KYLIEGH meet up.

KYLIEGH CURRAN

So it's just Rebecca left, right? Her powers are pretty lame so we could probably shove her in a clothes dryer and celebrate with pizza.

EWAN MCGREGOR

No, no, she ate ALL the Steam reserves! That means she's SUPER powerful, maybe even powerful enough to physically pin someone to the floor if they're already injured and laying down! SHE'S UNSTOPPABLE!

(dramatic stare)

I know a place... a place that's dangerous for us...

KYLIEGH CURRAN

Will, um, we get any kind of advantage in this place? Will Rebecca's powers be muted?

EWAN MCGREGOR

Not in the slightest, but it hasn't been used in forty years and it's currently covered in snow, there's a good chance on the way there she'll accidentally drive off the road and die.

They drive up the surprisingly-clear road to the OVERLOOK HOTEL! The famous shots of the classic opening are faithfully recreated, right down to the HELICOPTER SHADOW that will become visible in the 2029 restoration!

EXT. OVERLOOK HOTEL

EWAN MCGREGOR

Kyliegh, stay in the car. It's dangerous in the building, even though all the ghosts have been locked in my mind since 1980. I have to... WAKE IT UP.

KYLIEGH CURRAN

You have to walk through all the famous locations. Got it.

EWAN MCGREGOR

Did you want a "Shining" sequel or not?

KYLIEGH CURRAN

Ugh, this is destroying the ambiguity of the original movie! The haunting question of whether the ghosts were real or simply madness was the source of the terror!

EWAN MCGREGOR

Huh, I thought that question got answered when a ghost unlocked a physical fucking door. Honk twice if you need me.

EWAN walks through the abandoned Overlook, which is surprisingly clean and pest-free considering it looks like all anyone did since 1980 was pick up Scatman's body and close a door.

EWAN MCGREGOR

I mean, I left the janitor ghost here for a reason.

(passes "Here's Johnny" door)

Oh good, someone fixed that continuity error.

A LIGHTBULB

(bursting on)

TA-DAAAAAAA! WOO WOO WOO

EWAN MCGREGOR

What the... jump scares? Now? It is literally NEVER going to be easier to make "Walking Down a Hallway" scary, what's with all the flickering lights and crap?

DIRECTOR MIKE FLANAGAN

(revving hotel boiler)

Uh... Hey, remember that scene with the ax? Have some flashbacks!

EWAN MCGREGOR

(squinting)

Did you reshoot those? Why would you bother? It feels like you're actively putting in effort to NOT be scary! Just put the camera on a wheelchair and roll it around a bit!

DIRECTOR MIKE FLANAGAN

Fine. Go do exactly one scene that feels Kubrickian, just to show off what this movie could have been if we hadn't stuck with the Vampires vs Superheroes story.

(continues revving hotel boiler, where oh gee whiz where could this be going)

EWAN visits the ballroom bar and meets... HENRY THOMAS JACK NICHOLSON!

JACK NICHOLSON

What? No, I'm Lloyd the Bartender. You're confused.

EWAN MCGREGOR

Stop that, Dad. You're not going to succeed in driving me insane. I refuse to drink what you serve or succumb to your temptation!

JACK NICHOLSON

Alas, you've foiled the ghost crew’s plan of inducing slow, creeping madness. But would you succumb to insanity if we...

(jazz hands)

TACKLE YOU?!

EWAN MCGREGOR

Maybe. Psychic child predator's here, gotta run.

JACK NICHOLSON

(yelling after him)

It's rude to not leave a tip, you know!

(grumbling)

Fuckin' managers, making me work for room and board. Sold me on the party package.

REBECCA arrives. It's a face-off, between her and our heroes in the Colorado Lounge!

REBECCA FERGUSON

Bwa ha ha, think you can win? Allow me to enter your mind and corrrrrect you!

EWAN MCGREGOR

Be our guest! We're hiding waaaaay at the bottom of that tiny box over there.

REBECCA FERGUSON

Nice try, I'm not falling for that! Too bad, Ewan, becoming an adult pollutes your Shining Steam and makes it unusable, although that won't stop me from inhaling a bunch of it three minutes after saying that!

As KYLIEGH runs away, REBECCA advances toward EWAN, who wields an ax. He backs up, toward the Overlook stairs, with a smiling REBECCA coming closer.

EWAN MCGREGOR

(swinging ax)

Ooh, good, we're doing the staircase! I was SO hoping for this.

REBECCA FERGUSON

(walking closer)

Why? You're not going to hurt me? I won't hurt you... I'm just going to bash your brains-

EWAN MCGREGOR

(backing up stairs)

It's too late, Rebecca. You can't win. You can't win because I have something you'll never have, something I've been searching for my whole life.

REBECCA FERGUSON

(advancing closer)

What is it? A family?

EWAN MCGREGOR

(backing up further, further)

No...

REBECCA FERGUSON

(gaining)

Control over angry hotel spirits?

EWAN MCGREGOR

(backs onto the top step)

Well that, yes. But I also have-

REBECCA FERGUSON

(reaching up for his throat)

Love? A cool hat? An ax? What do you have?!

EWAN MCGREGOR

(lifts ax)

IT'S OVER, REBECCA! I HAVE THE-

(deep breath)

(deep breath)

(aims)

(deep breath)

(starts swing)

(deep breath)

HIGH GROOOOOOOOUND!!!!!!!!!

He finally SWINGS THE AX at the speed of a STANLEY KUBRICK SHOT! REBECCA steps out of its way and bisects his scrotum with it.

EWAN MCGREGOR

(doubled over)

Ookay... so... those hotel ghosts, then...

He throws the MENTAL DEMONS at her!

DELBERT GRADY, SPOOKY TWINS, ROOM 237 LADY, GHOST BARTENDER, BLOODY PARTY GUY, RANDOM OTHER PEOPLE

(jumping on Rebecca)

TACKLE HER! RIP HER FACE OFF!

They RIP REBECCA'S FACE OFF and EAT HER. Then they turn their pupil-less eyes on EWAN.

DELBERT GRADY AND CO.

(grabbing Ewan)

COME AND PUT ON SILLY MAKEUP WITH US, DANNY!

EWAN MCGREGOR

Noooooo!

Ewan is covered in SILLY MAKEUP and speaks in a GOOFY VOICE because how else would we know he's possessed? He grabs the ax and chases KYLIEGH, blood seeping out of his open testicles.

BLOODY GUY

Great party, isn't it?

ROOM 237 LADY

Oh ah ha! Ha ha!

BLOODY ELEVATOR

Whooooosh!

KYLIEGH CURRAN

What are you guys, pre-rendered QuickTime events? The Shining was BONKERS, you should be doing crazy new things like coughing up wasps or playing in a vacuum-bed.

EWAN MCGREGOR

No more of that talk, young lady! Come give daddy's ax a hug!

KYLIEGH CURRAN

You're not Ewan! You're a mask!

EWAN MCGREGOR

Kid, you can't appeal to my humanity! I. AM. A. HOTEL. Now change my linens and replace my shampoo bottles!

KYLIEGH CURRAN

I'll scratch up your concierge desks! I'll smoke indoors! I'll demand discounts and write bad reviews in your guest log!

EWAN MCGREGOR

You BITCH! Masks off!

EWAN takes half a second to pretend he's actually going to bludgeon his own face open, just to be EXTRA disappointing!

EWAN MCGREGOR

Okay, then. I guess that... the power of love will...

(chortles)

Will save me from the possession, and exonerate me, while I...

(smile cracking)

Save the day with my pure s-s-soul...

(snorts)

KYLIEGH CURRAN

Yes, it's so terrifying! And...

(giggling)

Oh no, look out, scary bushes! NOT THE SCARY BUSHES

EWAN MCGREGOR

(doubling up laughing)

Don't worry, I'll use the floooaty teenager of my mind! To protect us from...

(wheezing)

From the... the... the toothy fire hose and oral sex clock AAAAH

KYLIEGH CURRAN

AHHHHHH the day is saved by plumbing failure AHHHHH HEE HOO HA HA HEE

STEPHEN KING looks pissed.

EWAN goes to sit by the exploding BOILER while KYLIEGH runs outside to meet the POLICE... uh, there are POLICE here somehow. As he waits to die, EWAN sees his mother SHELLY smiling at him, and he turns into DANNY LLOYD once more.

DANNY LLOYD

I'm glad you could be here, Mom. At last, surrounded by flames in the place we so feared, we are happily reunited.

SHELLY DUVALL

I think this was really about the moon landing.

The hotel EXPLODES! EWAN turns into a HAPPY GHOST so death is totally not a problem.

BEAR SUIT GUY

And I was chilling upstairs the whole time!

(burning to death)

Man, I'm NEVER going to finish that blow job, am I.

END