Not many people can fire a machine gun and take a dump simultaneously, but not many people are Bruce Willis.

DIE HARD

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. AIRPLANE

BRUCE WILLIS is flying into L.A. on Christmas Eve.

BRUCE WILLIS

I am uncomfortable flying because I'm a normal guy and not some fancy-pants rich douche.

PASSENGER

Here's the trick to flying: once you get to where you're going, rub your bare feet on the carpet!

BRUCE WILLIS

That makes zero sense. I'm not uncomfortable when I get where I'm going, I'm uncomfortable when I'm on the plane. Your solution doesn't solve the problem at all. It's almost like you're only telling me this in order to set up something later in the movie.

PASSENGER

You've got to appreciate the bottoms of your feet while you can because you never know when you might have to, I dunno, run barefoot through an acre of broken glass or something.

BRUCE WILLIS

Fine, I'll give it a shot. What's the worst that could happen?

BRUCE meets his LIMO DRIVER, DE'VOREAUX WHITE.

BRUCE WILLIS

I'll sit up front with you because I'm a normal cop from New York and not some fancy-pants L.A. douche. I'm going to meet my estranged wife Bonnie Bedelia at her company's Christmas party, but I'm not sure it's a good idea. Did I mention how non-fancy I am?

DE'VOREAUX WHITE

Maybe you should skip the party and just stay at the airport.

BRUCE WILLIS

And spend the whole movie in an airport? That's a terrible idea, like having a villain with no charisma who practices karate naked. Got any music?

DE'VOREAUX WHITE

Sure do! I'll play Run-DMC because I'm young and hip, but it's "Christmas in Hollis" because this is obviously a Christmas movie.

BRUCE WILLIS

Obviously. There's no debating that!

(grabs movie poster, crosses out "Opens July 12th")

INT. OFFICE BUILDING - 30TH FLOOR

BRUCE arrives at the PARTY. It is a company Christmas party being held on CHRISTMAS EVE, which is a COMMON OCCURRENCE and not just a NARRATIVE CONVENIENCE.

BRUCE WILLIS

I sure feel awkward around all these fancy-pants rich douches, probably because I am just a regular dude.

Eventually he runs into BONNIE.

BONNIE BEDELIA

Oh Bruce, you made it! I wasn't sure if a normal guy like you would come to such a snobby party. Please try not to embarrass me in front of my fancy-pants rich douche co-workers, like Hart here.

HART BOCHNER

(sniff)

Brucey-Bruce, great to meet ya, sport! Hey have you seen the super-expensive watch I gave your wife?

BRUCE WILLIS

No, I'm too busy bitching at her for having a successful career because I'm a terrible husband.

(pause)

Heh heh, I think you'd better WATCH out, though.

BONNIE BEDELIA

(rolls eyes)

Still making terrible wisecracks I see. Did you come all the way out to California just to be a smartass?

BRUCE WILLIS

No, I came here to fix our marriage - isn't that obvious, you stupid bitch?

BONNIE BEDELIA

Well you're doing a bang-up job so far, let me tell you. Maybe I just need to accept the fact that you're a normal guy and not some fancy-pants emotionally mature adult.

BRUCE WILLIS

(rubs bare feet on carpet)

INT. PARKING GARAGE

German-ish bad guy ALAN RICKMAN and his merry band of HENCHMEN arrive in a TRUCK that clearly contains NO AMBULANCE. That's an IRRELEVANT DETAIL, though, so just forget it.

ALAN RICKMAN

I am the charming, charismatic villain. We're pretending to be terrorists but that's just a smokescreen to conceal my real plan: to steal the entire movie from Bruce Willis!

CLARENCE GILYARD JR

As your right-hand computer nerd, I thought the real plan was to break into the company's vault?

ALAN RICKMAN

(is charming)

CLARENCE GILYARD JR

I'm so glad I can help you steal the movie from Bruce Willis.

ALEXANDER GODUNOV

As your most intimidating henchman, I just want to break things. I'm like if Ivan Drago had a flowing mane and explosive hockey pucks.

ANDREAS WISNIEWSKI

And I'm like if Ivan Drago had a little brother who loved sweatpants and was allergic to stairs!

ALAN and the HENCHMEN, fresh off their EUROPEAN TOUR, take over the BUILDING while BRUCE bravely fights back by hiding in the STAIRWELL.

ALAN RICKMAN

Attention everyone! I am here to take over this movie and all of you are now my hostages. Resistance is futile - we have planned this down to the last detail and considered every possibility.

ALEXANDER GODUNOV

Except for someone hiding in the stairwell, apparently.

ALAN takes BONNIE'S boss JAMES SHIGETA to the VAULT ROOM while BRUCE hides nearby.

ALAN RICKMAN

James, I can't help but admire your suit - I too am a fancy-pants douche. However, I'm not as rich as I'd like to be so I need you to give me the code to the vault containing your company's metric shit-ton of bearer bonds, which seems like something you'd want to store in a bank.

JAMES SHIGETA

I'll never give you the code, and I know you won't hurt me because you're so charming!

ALAN RICKMAN

Unfortunately for you, Bruce has only made a few quips so far and otherwise he's not that likeable, so I need to do something evil to make sure I'm still the bad guy.

JAMES SHIGETA

Oh thanks a lot, Bruce!

ALAN shoots JAMES in the HEAD.

BRUCE WILLIS

Don't blame me, I was seriously like the 12th guy they offered this role.

BRUCE escapes to a different floor and pulls the FIRE ALARM.

INT. OFFICE BUILDING - OTHER FLOOR

ANDREAS goes to the floor of the FIRE ALARM and fights BRUCE.

ANDREAS WISNIEWSKI

Too bad you don't have a machine gun, ha ha ha!

BRUCE WILLIS

I'm not some fancy-pants gunslinger - let's just throw our guns away and fight hand-to-hand like normal guys!

They beat each other up for a bit then fall down some STAIRS, leaving BRUCE slightly bruised and ANDREAS totally fucking dead.

BRUCE WILLIS

Heh heh, I guess you're not a STAIRmaster.

BRUCE festively decorates ANDREAS'S CORPSE and sends it to the 30th floor, enraging ALEXANDER.

ALEXANDER GODUNOV

That asshole killed my brother! Let's go find him right now! I must break him!

ALAN RICKMAN

(gets his charm on)

ALEXANDER GODUNOV

Let's just see what happens.

(shrugs)

If he dies, he dies.

INT. GAS STATION HOLDING CLEARANCE SALE ON TWINKIES

The FIRE ALARM summons OFFICER CARL WINSLOW from his usual patrol on FAMILY MATTERS.

CARL WINSLOW

I'm just a normal cop, not some fancy-pants police chief. Also, my name is Reginald VelJohnson - Family Matters doesn't start for like a year, genius.

ABRIDGED SCRIPT AUTHOR WILL W

(checks IMDB)

Goddamnit.

(throws away tons of hilarious Urkel references)

REGINALD VELJOHNSON

That's better, now let me go pretend to investigate this bullshit fire alarm.

Meanwhile, BRUCE inspects the building's VENTILATION SYSTEM until some of ALAN'S GOONS find him and start shooting! BRUCE dives under a zig-zag-shaped TABLE, which looks as stupid as it sounds.

GOONY VON HENCHTHUG

Mwa ha ha, I got you now, Bruce! You are under the table and I am on top. I can easily shoot you through the table, but somehow I am not worried about you shooting me through the table!

BRUCE shoots GOONY through the TABLE.

BRUCE WILLIS

Heh heh, looks like I turned the TABLES on that guy.

EXT. OFFICE BUILDING

REGINALD enters the building to look around, but unfortunately he only searches the CRAPPY PAN/SCAN TV-VHS EDITION that CROPS OUT ALL THE LURKING BAD GUYS, so he finds NOTHING. He is about to leave when BRUCE drops GOONY VON HENCHTHUG onto his CAR.

REGINALD VELJOHNSON

Holy shit a dead body on the hood - looks like my only choice is to drive backwards until I wreck!

(does so)

BRUCE looks through GOONY'S BAG and finds EXPLOSIVES, DETONATORS, and a CB RADIO, which he uses to talk to ALAN.

BRUCE WILLIS

You thought you could steal this movie from me but now, heh heh, looks like I've got it in the BAG.

ALAN RICKMAN

If that's the best you can do then I'm not too worried. In fact, I'm so charming I can ridicule the audience and still steal the scene - all Americans are fat, stupid, and lazy. See?

BRUCE WILLIS

Did you just insult Americans in an 80s action movie? Wanna chug some arsenic while you're at it?

ALAN RICKMAN

That should tell you how confident I am in my plan.

BRUCE WILLIS

Heh heh, a man, a PLAN, a canal, Panama.

ALAN RICKMAN

That one didn't even make sense. Were there any paint chips in Goony's bag? Anyway, your stupid quips won't save you.

BRUCE WILLIS

Well then I'll just go ahead and tell you my climactic catchphrase, motherfucker!

ALAN RICKMAN

Dude, we're not even halfway through the movie yet.

BRUCE talks to REGINALD via the RADIO.

BRUCE WILLIS

If any cops are listening, there's a bunch of well-armed terrorists holding hostages on the 30th floor.

REGINALD VELJOHNSON

I'm listening, and I'm apparently the only cop in L.A. who knows how to use a radio.

BRUCE WILLIS

Most of the hostages are white.

EVERY COP IN LOS ANGELES

On our way!

EXT. OFFICE BUILDING PARKING LOT

The L.A.P.D. arrive, led by PAUL GLEASON, who is determined to give the terrorists DETENTION.

PAUL GLEASON

I am the chief of police and I want to play this character BY THE BOOK, you got that? I hate loose cannons, the mayor is on my ass, etc, etc. What's going on here?

REGINALD VELJOHNSON

Sir, I talked to the guy inside over the radio and he said there's a bunch of terrorists holding hostages on the 30th floor, and he's trying to fight them but they are extremely well-armed! I found all this out after dicking around for a few minutes on the first floor by using my amazing detective skills.

PAUL GLEASON

So you're telling me it's just one guy, by himself, against all odds?

REGINALD VELJOHNSON

Yeah it's basically like Die Hard in a skyscraper.

PAUL GLEASON

I don't believe you, even though I literally have no other information. Let's just march in through the front door - they'll never expect that!

REGINALD VELJOHNSON

That's your genius plan? Are you trying to get everyone killed?

PAUL GLEASON

I am the authority figure here, which means I'm incredibly dumb but you still have to do what I say. Now, shouldn't you be getting annoyed by Urkel or something?

REGINALD VELJOHNSON

(sighs)

Yes sir.

Fancy-pants reporter WILLIAM ATHERTON douches his way onto the SCENE.

WILLIAM ATHERTON

Coming to you live, this is William Atherton, investigative reporter. I am standing outside the building where there are terrorists or hostages or something, and I was the first one to report it! Anyone have a puppy I could kick?

(drives 10 under the speed limit in the fast lane)

PAUL GLEASON

I may be a huge douchebag but at least I'm not one of those sick fucks in the media.

ALAN RICKMAN

Seriously, I'm a thieving murderer but those guys are the WORST.

HART BOCHNER

I figured I'd be the most awful person in this movie but I didn't know we'd have someone from the MEDIA - gross!

WILLIAM ATHERTON

C'mon, guys - at least I don't work for the EPA anymore.

(joins conference call and does not mute self despite nearby baby crying constantly)

The L.A.P.D. prepare to enter the BUILDING. Meanwhile, bad guy AL LEONG improvises stealing a CANDY BAR, immediately becoming one of the ALL-TIME GREATEST MOVIE VILLAINS WITH NO LINES OF DIALOGUE.

ALAN RICKMAN

You loser cops are no match for my vaguely European charm!

The L.A.P.D. cleverly try to go through the FRONT DOOR but are no match for ALAN's CHARM. Also all of the BULLETS. Probably the BULLETS more than the CHARM, if we're being honest.

REGINALD VELJOHNSON

Good God, they're getting slaughtered like it's the '85 Bears vs The Goonies! Clearly they should retreat!

They do not retreat.

BRUCE WILLIS

Damnit Alan, you charming asshole - stop stealing the movie from me!

ALAN RICKMAN

Oh no, looks like they have a tank. Gosh, we definitely did not see that coming. If only we had the perfect counterattack... Fire the cigarettes missiles!

ALAN'S men use a MISSILE LAUNCHER to blow the L.A.P.D.'s TANK right the fuck up, so BRUCE makes the logical decision to throw some PLASTIC EXPLOSIVES down an ELEVATOR SHAFT, killing 2 BAD GUYS.

BRUCE WILLIS

Heh heh, those guys sure got SHAFTed.

BRUCE talks to PAUL via the RADIO.

PAUL GLEASON

What's with the explosion, pal? We were probably about to win! You are hereby grounded for 2 weeks, mister!

BRUCE WILLIS

Heh heh, I guess their Battleship was located at C-4!

PAUL GLEASON

Ugh, please stop, man. Please stop.

INT. BONNIE'S OFFICE

HART meets with ALAN to negotiate a way out.

HART BOCHNER

(sniff)

Look, Alan, BUBBY, you're very charming, but Bruce's wisecracks are really winning the audience over.

ALAN RICKMAN

Really? They barely even qualify as puns. How do we stop him?

HART BOCHNER

No worries babe, I'm a master negotiator.

(grabs radio)

Yo Bruce, need you to take a chill pill on the jokey-jokes pronto, ay kemosabe?

BRUCE WILLIS

Hart, you stupid son of a bitch, if we lose our sense of humor, the terrorists win!

HART BOCHNER

Honestly, your sense of humor isn't that good. Also they have guns.

BRUCE WILLIS

So I guess you could say that, heh heh, your troubles have only just beGUN?

ALAN RICKMAN

Damnit stop making wisecracks or I will kill Hart!

BRUCE WILLIS

Sorry but, heh heh, I just don't have the HART.

ALAN shoots HART in the HED.

ALAN RICKMAN

I think I'm starting to understand. Heh heh, I guess now you could say I'm a HARTLESS bastard?

BRUCE WILLIS

(smiles proudly)

ALAN talks to PAUL via the RADIO.

ALAN RICKMAN

We are definitely terrorists. We demand that you release the A-Team, the Ghostbusters and, oh, let's say the Smurfs. But whatever you do, do NOT call the FBI - that would throw our whole plan into a briar patch!

INT. OFFICE BUILDING - TOP FLOOR

ALAN goes upstairs to check on his ROOF EXPLOSIVES but runs into BRUCE.

ALAN RICKMAN

(American accent)

Oh no, you're one of those genius thieves, I mean evil terrorists!

BRUCE WILLIS

Actually I'm the hero, not some fancy-pants bad guy. So what's your name, pal?

(glances at nearby wall directory for 0.6 seconds, memorizes perfectly)

ALAN RICKMAN

(downloads company HR files into brain)

Clay. Bill Clay.

BRUCE WILLIS

Nice to meet you Bill.

(runs comparative biometric analysis on Alan with internal diagnostic scanner)

You ever fire a gun before?

(hands over gun)

ALAN RICKMAN

Gosh, thanks! Now you know I'm not evil, because an evil mastermind would surely check if this was loaded before blowing their cover, ha ha.

ALAN pulls the TRIGGER but nothing happens. BURN!!!

BRUCE WILLIS

Yeah I knew you were a bad guy because I'm so smart. So smart that instead of injuring you in any way, I will just chat with you until your friends arrive oh look there they are.

BRUCE shoots the BAD GUYS who aren't ALAN or ALEXANDER and runs away, hopefully to a SAFE PLACE where he can rest his WEARY AND EXTREMELY BARE FEET!

INT. OFFICE BUILDING - ROOM WITH SHITLOAD OF GLASS

ALAN and ALEXANDER chase BRUCE into the WINDOW WAREHOUSE section of the BUILDING.

ALAN RICKMAN

Dude is barefoot and we still can't catch him. Let's shoot the glass so he has to walk on it.

ALEXANDER GODUNOV

What's the point? The shards will just bounce off his skin as he kicks them down our throat while doing a barrel roll.

ALAN RICKMAN

This is the first movie - he still has human vulnerability! Shoot the glass!

ALEXANDER and ALAN shoot EVERY WINDOW IN THE ENTIRE WORLD, littering BRUCE'S only escape route with a MILLION LITTLE PIECES OF GLASS.

BRUCE WILLIS

Shit, I've got no choice but to run barefoot over all that broken glass.

ANNIE LENNOX

(inspired)

BRUCE WILLIS

I do, however, have a choice of keeping this bag of detonators or leaving it here where Alan can easily find it. Inexplicably, I will choose the latter.

ALAN grabs the bag of DETONATORS and goes back to the VAULT.

INT. OFFICE BUILDING - BATHROOM

BRUCE picks GLASS out of his FEET while talking to REGINALD via RADIO.

BRUCE WILLIS

Hey pal, you ever had to extract broken glass from your skin?

REGINALD VELJOHNSON

Well, one time I listened to "The Return of Bruno" all the way through, so, tomato-tomahto.

BRUCE WILLIS

Ouch! I feel for you. Anyway, I think we need to bond or something, so why are you such a shitty cop?

REGINALD VELJOHNSON

It was dark one night and I accidentally shot a kid.

BRUCE WILLIS

Did he wear suspenders and love cheese?

REGINALD VELJOHNSON

(facepalms)

Goddamnit.

INT. OFFICE BUILDING - VAULT ROOM

CLARENCE updates ALAN on the drilling of the VAULT.

CLARENCE GILYARD JR

OK I've drilled through all the locks except the final one, which we've known all along was undrillable. How can we get around it?

ALAN RICKMAN

Don't worry Clarence...

(looks directly into camera)

Nothing Lasts Forever.

(winks)

CLARENCE GILYARD JR

in the cold November Rain That tells me nothing. Why would I agree to this without knowing how you plan to get past the final lock? There's literally no reason for you not to tell me besides arbitrarily creating suspense.

ALAN RICKMAN

(eats Lucky Charms)

CLARENCE GILYARD JR

OK I'm sure everything will just work out.

EXT. OFFICE BUILDING

The FBI AGENTS arrive, ready to act like DICKS and CHEW GUM and wouldn't you know it nobody brought any GUM.

FBI DOUCHE

(giving freshman wedgie)

OK everyone, we're here now and we're in charge, got it? We have all the authority and we're huge jerks, which surely bodes well for our future in this film.

They shut down the BUILDING'S POWER. This opens the vault's FINAL LOCK, making it seem like KIND OF A SHITTY LOCK.

FBI DOUCHE (NO, THE OTHER ONE)

Now that we've totally screwed up their plans by turning off the power, let's attack them with a helicopter!

(walks under ladder)

(opens umbrella indoors)

(sees 13 black cats)

The FBI sends a HELICOPTER to the ROOF, and BRUCE realizes that ALAN plans to blow it up along with the HOSTAGES. BRUCE limps to the RESCUE but takes a break to play punchy-punch with ALEXANDER.

ALEXANDER GODUNOV

I am Alexander Godunov. You killed my brother. Prepare to die.

Eventually BRUCE wraps a CHAIN around ALEXANDER'S NECK, hoists him in the air and leaves him hanging there, totally fucking dead.

BRUCE WILLIS

Now that I've strung you up by your neck with a chain, you are definitely dead.

ALEXANDER GODUNOV

Yep I sure am dead.

BRUCE WILLIS

Heh heh, hopefully this doesn't start a CHAIN reaction!

ALEXANDER GODUNOV

(tightens chain)

BRUCE goes to the ROOF and sends the HOSTAGES back inside, where they run by a hanging ALEXANDER, still totally fucking dead.

ALEXANDER GODUNOV

Completely dead.

BRUCE WILLIS

I could go inside with the hostages, but I think it will look way cooler if I jump off the side of the building right as it explodes.

(is extremely correct)

BRUCE ties a FIREHOSE around his waist and jumps off the ROOF as it totally explodes in a FIERY BALL OF TESTOSTERONE, leaving BRUCE hanging off the side of the BUILDING with his SPINE somehow not snapped in half.

BRUCE WILLIS

Boy, it sure would be convenient if I were hanging right at the 30th floor.

He is! BRUCE badasses his way inside, then almost falls back out but doesn't.

INT. OFFICE BUILDING - PARKING DECK

CLARENCE prepares the ESCAPE VEHICLE.

CLARENCE GILYARD JR

I sure am glad we had an ambulance in the back of our truck this whole time.

DE'VOREAUX WHITE

Stop right there! I've been trapped in this parking deck all night, so I have no way of knowing if you are a terrorist or a hostage or what.

CLARENCE GILYARD JR

So then you're going to at least try and figure that out, right?

DE'VOREAUX WHITE

Fuck you, Replacement Goose!

DE'VOREAUX, who is COOL, easily knocks out CLARENCE, who is a NERD.

INT. OFFICE BUILDING - VAULT ROOM

ALAN and a HENCHMAN are taking the BEARER BONDS out of the VAULT when BRUCE staggers in with a MACHINE GUN.

BRUCE WILLIS

Aaaaalllllllaaaaaannnnnn!

ALAN RICKMAN

Oh darn, you got me.

(grabs Bonnie)

Unless, that is, you DON'T want me to kill your wife...

BRUCE WILLIS

OK, I give up.

(tosses machine gun aside)

Looks like my normal guy wits were no match for your fancy-pants European douchery.

ALAN RICKMAN

Well don't feel too bad. You probably thought this would just be another typical, brainless, blow-em-up action movie.

BRUCE WILLIS

Is it not? We blew shit up REAL good!

ALAN RICKMAN

Sure, but look at everything else. For starters, nobody is surprised when a bodybuilder like Schwarzenegger beats up a bad guy, but you? You look like one of the everyday schlubs who will idolize this movie. I'm kind of surprised your name isn't, like, Joe McAverage or something.

BRUCE WILLIS

But in the end I'm still just trying to save the damsel in distress, at least.

BONNIE BEDELIA

Bitch, please. How many damsels are self-empowered career women who refuse to take shit from anyone? Hell, if you hadn't shown up I was probably about to kick Alan's ass myself.

ALAN RICKMAN

And it's not just us main characters - we took the time and effort to develop the secondary ones too. Even your limo driver has a personality!

BRUCE WILLIS

But the audience probably won't even notice those things! All they'll talk about are the guns and the fighting and the cool explosions.

ALAN RICKMAN

Exactly. We're not highlighting the character development, the pacing, the well-structured plot - we're just DOING them. We're expanding the action-movie envelope while still keeping each and every element laser-focused towards a common goal of kicking ALL of the ass.

BRUCE WILLIS

OK but I'm still the hero, you're the standard bad guy, so why don't you go ahead and foil your own plan by maniacally obsessing over your irrational hatred of me?

ALAN RICKMAN

I am an EXCEPTIONAL bad guy, and this isn't just another paint-by-numbers action flick. I actually don't even care about you, I just want the money, which makes me more realistic and less cartoonish. I've been pretty smart this whole time, at least until now when I'm not suspicious of you giving up your machine gun so easily. What, did your arms just suddenly get too sore to hold it anymore?

BRUCE WILLIS

Heh heh, I guess you could say I'm a SORE loser!

ALAN RICKMAN

(doubled over with laughter)

HA HA HA OH MY GOD THAT WAS HILARIOUS WAit why are you reaching behind your back?

BRUCE pulls out a PISTOL he had hidden and shoots ALAN and the HENCHMAN. The other guy dies instantly but ALAN falls out the WINDOW and holds on to BONNIE'S ARM.

BRUCE WILLIS

The good news is that this is just your film debut, and eventually you'll be part of a multi-billion dollar franchise!

ALAN RICKMAN

Will it be based on stupid books for kids about wizards or some shit?

BRUCE WILLIS

Yes.

ALAN RICKMAN

(falls 30 stories to his death)

EXT. PARKING LOT

The HOSTAGES are saved! BRUCE meets REGINALD, and they are about to make out when suddenly ALEXANDER emerges! With a GUN! That he aims at BRUCE! And considers firing! But then he is shot just in time, and at first it's not clear who pulled the TRIGGER.

REGINALD VELJOHNSON

(Urkel voice)

Did I do that?

END

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