"Andy Kaufman? Is that YOU?!"

CINDERELLA (1950)

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. IDYLLIC FRENCH COUNTRYSIDE

We open on a beautiful CHÂTEAU that's probably been turned into a REALLY EXPENSIVE BED-AND-BREAKFAST by now.

BETTY LOU GERSON (VO)

Once upon a time, the kind and generous widower who owned this place married Eleanor Audley, a woman capable of freezing molten lava just by opening her legs. As soon as that widower succumbed to Disney Parental Death Disorder, Eleanor enslaved his daughter, Ilene Woods, and became the most villainous of all classic Disney villains who didn't have magical powers. I mean, Stromboli's close, but holy shit, this lady.

ILENE WOODS awakens to greet her VERMIN FRIENDS, all of whom have the presence of mind to shit OUTSIDE.

JIMMOUSE MACDONALD

Mornin', Ileney! Didja sleep well?

ILENE WOODS

I sure did!

(to tune of "A Dream Is a Wish Your Heart Makes")

I dreamed that I cut my stepmom

In her weathered face

And then I choked out the redhead

And shot her remains into space

The black-haired one, drowned in acid

The cat, he was thrown down the well

Do you think you would feel forgiving

If this was your own living?

You'd dream they'd all go straight to hell!

She gets up to prepare food for ELEANOR and her two stepsisters, LUCILLE BLISS and RHODA WILLIAMS. JIMMOUSE takes it upon himself to off LUCILLE by putting HIMSELF in her TEACUP.

LUCILLE BLISS

MOOOOOOM! Ilene ruined my breakfast of boiled water and nondescript mush!

ELEANOR AUDLEY

Did she? Well, Ilene, there's only one way for you to answer for that: Do all the chores.

ILENE WOODS

But I already do all the chores.

ELEANOR AUDLEY

No, no: Do ALL the chores. Every chore that could possibly be done ever. Do them all today.

ILENE WOODS

But the house seems perfectly clean, except for the vermin.

ELEANOR AUDLEY

Then smear some crud everywhere and clean THAT up! Do I have to think of everything?

ILENE sighs and goes to fetch her bottle of BILLY MAYS'S CRUD-ON.

ILENE WOODS

(whispering harshly)

Mouse POISON, I said.

JIMMOUSE MACDONALD

Oh. Sorry, Ileney.

INT. THE PALACE

KING LUIS VAN ROOTEN freaks the fuck out on his advisor, NOT-KING LUIS VAN ROOTEN.

KING LUIS VAN ROOTEN

I have had it up to here with Prince William Phipps! He's spent the past year probably riding and drinking and fucking a trail across Europe, and he hasn't found one girl cool enough to take on an actual date! How are we going to secure the succession?

NOT-KING LUIS VAN ROOTEN

If it's any consolation, sire, I'm sure his fuck trail has produced a multitude of bastards...

KING LUIS VAN ROOTEN

What good is that?! Post an invite for all the single babes we know! Tell them there's gonna be a rager at the house tonight and it'll be totally off the hook!

The INVITE reaches LUCILLE and RHODA.

RHODA WILLIAMS

Mother, this invite is addressed to single BABES. I don't think that includes us.

ELEANOR AUDLEY

We'll MAKE it include you. Ilene, make the bustles of their dresses four times larger. With luck, the prince will be so distracted by dat ass that he'll be willing to double-bag it.

ILENE WOODS

Don't I have to get ready for the ball too? I'm the only actual babe in this house.

ELEANOR AUDLEY

You can get ready once you've finished making over Lucille and Rhoda's dresses, styling their hair, giving them mani-pedis, shaving their legs and armpits, deodorizing their feet, and steaming their vaginas.

ILENE sighs and goes to fetch her bottle of BILLY MAYS'S OXI-QUEEF.

JIMMOUSE MACDONALD

What're you gonna do, Ileney? A team of internationally renowned cosmetologists couldn't pull off all that if they had a week!

ILENE WOODS

And on top of that, I only have Mother's old dress to wear. Can you believe this piece of shit? It looks like the task on that week's episode of Project Runway was to make an 1870s swimsuit out of loofahs. But it's just as well. I probably smell like old dishwater 100% of the time.

(leaves)

JIMMOUSE MACDONALD

DESIGNERS! Make it work!

He and the other VERMIN FRIENDS transform the LOOFAH DRESS into SOMETHING YOUR LITTLE SISTER WOULD WEAR TO AN EASTER PARTY.

ILENE WOODS

Oh my God it's perfect! Now I can go to the ball!

(pauses)

Look, I appreciate the initiative, but that doesn't change the fact that you've been in this house for 18 years and you haven't even given ONE of them rabies yet. I don't know what I'm paying you vermin for, honestly.

She goes downstairs just as ELEANOR, LUCILLE, and RHODA are leaving.

ELEANOR AUDLEY

Huh. You look good. I mean, you always look good. These two look like Jay-Z in whiteface at the best of times. But now you look fit for a prince...

ILENE WOODS

Do I really?

ELEANOR AUDLEY

...and we can't have that. Girls?

LUCILLE and RHODA viciously rip ILENE's dress, the last memento she has of her MOTHER, the one thing that made her feel beautiful and full of hope since her FATHER's DEATH, to SHREDS.

But just then RAMBO and DUTCH and JOHN MCCLANE and CHARLES BRONSON and THE BEAR JEW and PRESIDENT CAMACHO and THE COPS FROM BONNIE AND CLYDE burst in and pump ELEANOR, LUCILLE, and RHODA full of BULLETS, still going even as they stand waist-deep in BLOOD and GUTS and SHELL CASINGS and all three of THOSE BITCHES' limp, lifeless BODIES get more HOLES put into them than season 8 of GAME OF THRONES, and also ANDREW W.K.'s "PARTY HARD" or something awesome like that is blasting in the BACKGROUND, and it's all like POW-POW-POW-POW-POW-POW-POW-POW-POW, and it feels so good to imagine because this was the first time something in a MOVIE ever filled your FIVE-YEAR-OLD SELF with RAGE, RAGE, WHITE-HOT ASS-NUMBING TRIPLE-HOMICIDAL RAAAAAAAAAAGE!!!

EXT. COURTYARD

ILENE wakes up to find FAIRY VERNA FELTON waiting for her.

ILENE WOODS

Wh-what happened?

FAIRY VERNA FELTON

I'm not sure, dear. I think I heard you mutter something like "Eat lead, you used-up whore" before you blacked out.

ILENE looks at her BLOODLESS HANDS.

ILENE WOODS

Goddammit they're still alive?!

FAIRY VERNA FELTON

Afraid so. But there's no need to worry! I'm here to give you a magical makeover!

ILENE WOODS

I don't NEED a magical makeover. I need to bump off my stepmother and make it look like an accident. Then I get the house with no questions. Can you do that?

FAIRY VERNA FELTON

Oh, heavens, no. You're a kind-hearted Disney princess, remember? I can't let you murder your way out of this.

ILENE WOODS

Can you at least get me Tarantino's number?

FAIRY VERNA FELTON

No. Magical makeover.

(to tune of "Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo")

Polish your shoes

And lift up your boobs

And wax you with help from my wand!

What does it take to stand out in the crowd?

Just being sparkly and blonde!

She dresses ILENE in a WEDDING GOWN.

ILENE WOODS

A LITTLE on the nose, I think?

FAIRY VERNA FELTON

Murder is out of the question, and there are apparently no other single men in town. Marrying the prince is your only option left. We can't take any chances. Now go have fun under a completely arbitrary time constraint.

INT. THE BACHELOR: ROYAL EDITION

PRINCE WILLIAM PHIPPS stands perfectly still while hundreds of PLIABLE, COMELY WENCHES are brought before him.

HERALD

Presenting a brunette in a blue dress!

PRINCE WILLIAM PHIPPS

Did her. Next.

HERALD

A brunette in a pink dress!

PRINCE WILLIAM PHIPPS

Did her. Next.

HERALD

A brunette in a yellow dress!

PRINCE WILLIAM PHIPPS

Did her. Twice.

(yawns)

Is there ANYONE in this room I haven't done yet?

ELEANOR shoves LUCILLE and RHODA forward.

LUCILLE BLISS

You can have us both and sleep with us on a rotating basis!

RHODA WILLIAMS

We'll even make out with each other if we have to!

PRINCE WILLIAM PHIPPS

RIGHT. I'm not THAT bored. Did you even read the invite?

ELEANOR AUDLEY

Why, of course we did. You asked for a maiden, not even the town drunks will touch these two.

PRINCE WILLIAM PHIPPS

But did you read all of it?

ELEANOR AUDLEY

(pulls up invite)

"No grenades"?

PRINCE WILLIAM PHIPPS

NEXT!

He spots ILENE entering the room.

PRINCE WILLIAM PHIPPS

Finally! Fresh meat!

He sweeps her into his PANTS ARMS. They dance with plenty of room for JESUS and then take a slow, slow walk around the GROUNDS to look at some WATER.

ILENE WOODS

(to tune of "So This Is Love")

So, this is dull.

PRINCE WILLIAM PHIPPS

Mm-hm.

ILENE WOODS

Mm-hm.

PRINCE WILLIAM PHIPPS

So very dull.

No way that we're in love for life.

ILENE WOODS

I want to go.

PRINCE WILLIAM PHIPPS

Uh-huh.

ILENE WOODS

Uh-huh.

PRINCE WILLIAM PHIPPS

Yeah, I could go.

But Dad says I must find a wife.

ILENE WOODS

You're choosing me?

PRINCE WILLIAM PHIPPS

I am.

ILENE WOODS

For real?

PRINCE WILLIAM PHIPPS

I'm choosing you.

Those last thousand girls shot my horse.

ILENE/WILLIAM

Although our "great romance" feels so hollow, bland, and forced

We could... do... worse!

The COMPLETELY ARBITRARY TIME CONSTRAINT arrives.

ILENE WOODS

Gotta go.

PRINCE WILLIAM PHIPPS

Wait! I don't even know your name despite wandering around with you for at least two hours!

ILENE WOODS

Serious question: Do you remember the names of any of those brunettes you did?

PRINCE WILLIAM PHIPPS

Uhhh...

ILENE WOODS

Exactly.

She runs off, leaving behind one of her HIDEOUSLY IMPRACTICAL SHOES EVEN BY THE STANDARDS OF WOMEN'S FORMAL FOOTWEAR. Realizing his GRANDBABY MAMA may have slipped away forever, KING LUIS sends some HEADLESS HORSEMEN after her.

NOT-KING LUIS VAN ROOTEN

That's really not a good way to make the girl want to text the prince back, sire.

KING LUIS VAN ROOTEN

But we had to try and find her tonight! All we know about her is that she wore this shoe!

NOT-KING LUIS VAN ROOTEN

And that she was the only blonde in the room, and that she wasn't on the list of named women who the prince wrote off, and he must have gotten her name if they were alone together all night.

KING LUIS VAN ROOTEN

Well, did you, William?

PRINCE WILLIAM PHIPPS

(sheepishly kicks dirt)

KING LUIS VAN ROOTEN

Okay, new plan: Whoever fits this shoe wins.

PRINCE WILLIAM PHIPPS

But, Dad, this looks to be about a size 6. There are probably at least a few women who could wear that. Maybe I should come with Not-King Luis to make sure he doesn't bring back a grenade.

NOT-KING LUIS VAN ROOTEN

That would be sensible, sire...

KING LUIS VAN ROOTEN

I'm running out of time to have grandkids, okay?! Bring back a GirlBearPig for all I care! JUST GET IT DONE!

INT. THE CHÂTEAU

ELEANOR, LUCILLE, and RHODA read the latest INVITE to a new event, "TRY ON SHOES FOR THE PRINCE NOT THAT HE'S INTO THAT SORT OF THING BUT BELIEVE US THIS IS IMPORTANT AND ANYWAY WHAT WOULD IT MATTER IF HE WAS INTO THAT SORT OF THING."

LUCILLE BLISS

Okay, Mother, even you have to admit this is a lost cause. The prince didn't even want to see us make out with each other.

ELEANOR AUDLEY

Shut up, I'm thinking. I wonder how much cosmetic surgery we could get done on you before they show up here. Restylane treatments don't take that long, right?

But then she spots ILENE whittling "MRS. ILENE PHIPPS" into one of her ROOF BEAMS.

ELEANOR AUDLEY

Oh you are SHITTING me.

She locks ILENE in the attic!

ILENE WOODS

YOU BITCH! I HOPE YOU--

(long, long stream of curses)

--SIDEWAYS!

She turns around to find her VERMIN FRIENDS frozen in SHOCK.

ILENE WOODS

Don't just stand there. Make yourselves useful again and bail me out.

They do, despite the abundance of KNITTING NEEDLES and OTHER POTENTIALLY USEFUL LOCK-PICKING IMPLEMENTS scattered about. She gets downstairs, where NOT-KING LUIS is trying valiantly to jam a DAINTY GLASS THING onto one of RHODA's size-WTF feet.

ILENE WOODS

Hey! Stache Boy! Over here!

NOT-KING LUIS VAN ROOTEN

Huh? Didn't you tell me Lucille and Rhoda were the only young ladies in the house, Eleanor?

ELEANOR AUDLEY

Oh, uh... they are. Ilene is actually 400 years old. And a replicant. And a figment of your imagination. Good day.

ILENE WOODS

Would a 400-year-old replicant be in possession of... THIS?

She pulls out the other GLASS SLIPPER!

NOT-KING LUIS VAN ROOTEN

(gasps in delight)

A good sign! We must try it on to be sure!

ILENE WOODS

"A good sign"? Do you really think anyone else around here has shoes made of glass? THINK, dude.

She marries WILLIAM and becomes queen, at which point she confiscates her FAMILY ESTATE and turns it into a CRAFT BREWERY. She lives happily ever after while her old VERMIN FRIENDS feast on what remains of ELEANOR, LUCILLE, and RHODA.

END

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