"Kill half the universe?! No no, I need the Gauntlet to operate the Galaxy's Largest Fidget Spinner behind me."

AVENGERS: INFINITY WAR [INFINITE AUTHORS' CUT]

The Patron-Exclusive Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. VARIOUS COMPUTER DESKS AROUND THE GLOBE

INFINITY WAR TRAILER

(drops)

Members of The Editing Room's TEAM OF AUTHORS look up suddenly, as if called to a PURPOSE far greater than themselves.

ALEX W.

(hooks Walkman to belt)

It started with an idea.

CRAIG

(activates armor)

To bring together a group of snarky scriptwriters...

CHRIS W.

(assembles blaster from spare parts)

To see if a standard-issue Marvel parody...

LACHLAN R.

(lifts shield)

Could become something more.

STEPH M.

(dons stylish red fedora)

So when our readers needed our take on Infinity War...

ALEX L.

(grabs quiver)

We could expose the plot holes...

NICOLE

(puts on wrist zappers)

Mock the cinematography...

DANNY

(creates cape from thin air)

Destroy the character tropes...

RAQUEL P.S.

(conjures beams of pure chaos)

Demolish the special effects...

KAM

(stands completely, imperceptibly still)

Snark the faulty logic...

JOHN K.

(summons hammer)

Roast the inconsistencies...

IAN S.

(remotely pilots Wakandan jet)

And bury the dialogue...

JESS M.

(flips and catches switchblade)

Like CinemaSins never could.

From the S.C.R.I.P.T. HELICARRIER, EDITING ROOM FOUNDER ROD stares grimly out the WINDOW.

ROD

(adjusts eyepatch)

Abridgers... assemble.

INT. ASGARDIAN SHIP - THE END OF THOR RAGNAROK

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

(beaming with pride)

That was one goofy adventure, brother! Jeff Goldblum was there, we killed some people with birthday orgy fireworks, and now you and me are finally best buds and we’re finding a new home for our people and we made all kinds of wacky new friends!

TOM HIDDLESTON

(grinning)

Indeed! And now we sail onward to zany new antics of

CGI JOSH BROLIN

(SMASHES ship)

(MURDERS fuckton of people)

(DESTROYS Chris's "class protector" umbrella)

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

(beaten to pulp)

Wow, way to shit all over my best movie, douchebag.

TESSA THOMPSON and CGI TAIKA WAITITI and the OTHER ASGARDIANS fly off in a SECOND SHIP trailing a banner that says "LATER LOSERS", while CGI JOSH BROLIN strides past the PILES OF DEAD ASGARDIANS looking all PUFFED-UP and PURPLE like a GIANT WALKING BRUISE.

JOSH SWOLLEN

I have allowed half of Asgard to live, and also allowed only half the audience to realize half of Asgard survived! Mwah ha ha! Well I'm sure I won't be needing this armor ever again.

(drop-kicks battle armor into black hole)

Now give me the Tesseract, Tom Hiddleston, or I kill Chris!

TOM HIDDLESTON

The last time you saw me I was flat-out evil and stabbed Chris in the gut. Why would you think this would work?

JOSH SWOLLEN

Because each Avengers villain gets to pick ONE free bonus tactic for getting what they want. For you it was MMMMMIND CONTROL, for Ultron it was MMMMMMIND CONTROL again, and for me it's threatening to kill family and friends.

TOM HIDDLESTON

Well maybe we don't have it! Hmph!

JOSH SWOLLEN

Don't lie to me, the Stone is here. The way I know you have it is... well, I guess for this entire movie to make any sense we’ll have to assume I can sense Infinity Stones somehow.

TOM HIDDLESTON

Ah, but... we have a Hulk! He decided not to even TRY fighting until now just so I could do that cool callback to Avengers 1.

HULK RUFFALO charges out of nowhere and ATTACKS! But JOSH effortlessly CURBSTOMPS HULK, shrugging off HULK PUNCHES as though they were LICKS FROM A LABRADOODLE PUPPY and thus rendering half the upcoming fight scenes COMPLETELY IMPLAUSIBLE.

TOM HIDDLESTON

Shit that didn't go like I thought. Did I not do the cue right?

IDRIS ELBA

Argh... just enough life left... to activate the Bifrost one last time! Should I save the Tesseract, the thing we're desperate to not let Josh have? Or Chris, who might defeat Josh if he goes and gets a new weapon? Or perhaps STUPID USELESS HULK FOR SOME REASON WHY THE FUCK NOT

(teleports Ruffalo to Earth)

(stabbed)

JOSH puts the MAGIC BLUE ROCK from the TESSERACT into his TACKY GOLD MET-GALA GLOVE, giving him TWO INFINITY STONES, HOLY SHIT! Oh did we mention he already got the first stone between movies?

CGI TOM VAUGHAN-LAWLOR

Congratulations, master! You have now become the first being to EVER possess two entire Infinity Stones at once!

TOM HIDDLESTON

Um excuse me, but I was carrying around the Space Stone and the Mind Stone for pretty much all of The Avengers, thanks.

(grins)

Now, since I've already tipped my hand to be anti-Josh, this must be the perfect time to pretend to be pro-Josh, amirite?

(smiles, winks)

(pause)

Hm that usually solves everything. Hang on.

(smiles, winks again)

(pause)

(smiles, winks WITH ALL HIS GODLY MIGHT)

JOSH SWOLLEN

Sorry Tom, you've winked, and smiled... for the last time.

(kills Tom)

(no but really)

(no no we mean it)

(would we lie about this)

(okay we would, but honestly we're not)

TOM HIDDLESTON

(dying breath)

Aw fuck... I knew it wasn’t a good sign when they wrapped up my whole character arc in Ragnarok and made me useless to the franchise.

(expires)

(Tom... IS DEAD!!!)

IDRIS ELBA

(weakly)

Upstaging prick.

(dies)

JOSH’S MINIONS head to EARTH and JOSH fucks off to SOMEWHERE ELSE and CHRIS is left floating in SPACE.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

At least we managed to send out a distress signal. Hopefully somebody will pick it up! And if I’m insanely, ridiculously lucky, I might even be picked up by the galaxy’s foremost Josh Swollen expert.

Ah ah ah, you didn't say the magic word

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