FADE IN:

EXT. BERLIN 1989, WHERE THE BERLIN WALL IS, IN GERMANY, BUT THIS ISN’T THAT STORY, BUT JUST SO YOU KNOW, BERLIN HAD A WALL AND IT WAS A THING, BIG WALL, BIG BEAUTIFUL WALL, BIG

Undercover spy guy SAM HARGRAVE is being chased by a car!

SAM HARGRAVE

No worry! I’ll just use one of my nifty spy gadgets and wait am I wearing a bathrobe? Where are my pants? Why am I not wearing pants?

He hops a gate and enters a courtyard where no car can possibly get him.

Then he hops ANOTHER gate and onto the street where he can be TOTALLY CRUSHED BY A CAR.

SAM HARGRAVE

(is totally crushed by a car)

It seems my lack of intelligence correlates with how much pants I’m wearing.

KGB ASSASSIN

Sorry Sam, looks like you've lost this round of the Spy Game. Would you like to insert another coin and try again?

SAM HARGRAVE

All my change is in my pants--

(is shot dead)

KGB ASSASSIN steals SAM’s PLOT WATCH and throws his body in a shallow river in the middle of a highly populated area where no one will ever, ever find it. Ever.

INT. HOTEL ROOM, LONDON - 10 DAYS LATER (AFTER THE ENTIRE MOVIE IS BASICALLY OVER)

A beaten and bruised CHARLIZE THERON takes a bath in a tub of golf-ball sized ice cubes which we can only assume was included with the price of the room. I mean it must have been.

CHARLIZE THERON

Time to instantly heal all my wounds with a glass of Russian Vodka, the preferred drink of Russians, which I am not. I’m British. Not Russian. British. Blimey smashing tea bollocks gov’na! See? Totally British.

INT. BRITISH INTELLIGENCE

CHARLIZE sexily leaves her hotel in SEXPENSIVE CLOTHES while a 1980s POP TUNE plays, sexily walks down streets and sexily enters the building. Sexily.

She meets with her superior TOBY JONES and American agent guy JOHN GOODMAN, who both kind of gum up all the sexiness.

TOBY JONES

Agent Charlize, please recount the events of the entire movie to us Princess Bride style.

CHARLIZE THERON

Not with that cocksucker John Goodman here!

JOHN GOODMAN

Whoa whoa whoa, what’s with the name calling? And why is that an insult? Name me one person who doesn’t like getting their cock sucked? Cocksuckers are valued members of society if you ask me!

CHARLIZE THERON

Oh. Alright. Then how about “tubby fat fuck who thinks Harvey Weinstein did nothing wrong”?

JOHN GOODMAN

Muuuch better. Now the audience is convinced we hate each other and would never suspect we are secretly on the same side! Excellent work!

CHARLIZE THERON

We are the greatest spies EVER!

INT. LONDON, 10 DAYS AGO, BEFORE THE SCENE YOU JUST SAW, YOU CAN TELL BECAUSE CHARLIZE DOESN’T LOOK LIKE SHE GOT HIT IN THE FACE WITH A BAG OF HAMMERS AND BROKEN GLASS

TOBY JONES

Charlize, Sam Hargrave was killed last night, you two used to bone so you’re being assigned to the case. Sam had a list of Soviet agents on microfilm hidden in his watch instead of, like, in a safe, or inside his anus where it would have been much harder to steal instead of on his fucking wrist.

CHARLIZE THERON

Or inside a book. Or inside a wall outlet. Or under a refrigerator.

TOBY JONES

Yes! Exactly! A real fucking muppet Sam was. We suspect the mythical double agent “Satchel” is behind this. Go meet with our contact James McAvoy in Berlin and he’ll fill you in on the rest of the plot. If he tries to fill you in in any other way just hit him with a rolled up newspaper or something. He’s grabby, that one.

INT. BERLIN, HOME OF THE WALL OF THE SAME NAME, JUST IN CASE YOU FORGET, WHICH YOU DIDN’T, BUT JUST IN CASE YOU DID, THAT WALL IS HERE, JUST SO YOU KNOW

CHARLIZE sexily strides out from the AIRPORT like a neon beacon of SEX while a 1980s POP TUNE plays.

Charlize sexily gets into a waiting CAR, but OH NO it's a DOUBLE-CROSS!

CHARLIZE THERON

Damn, they made me! But how?!?

RUSSIAN AGENTS

We were told to look for tall sexy woman sexily walking sexily and stinking of vodka, which is our drink of choice you know.

CHARLIZE THERON

How ever will I escape this impossible situation?

RUSSIAN AGENTS

(are stabbed with thirteen-inch sexy stilettos embroidered with glow-in-the-dark "Spy Sexy" logo)

Arrgh! The ONE DAY we forgot to wear our stiletto proof vests with sexy-resistant coating!

(are violently killed!)

JAMES MCAVOY

Greetings, baby. Allow myself to introduce... myself. I’m James Danger McAvoy, International Jerkwad of Mystery.

CHARLIZE THERON

Clearly I’m going to get all my cuts and bruises from being beaten to death by your annoying fucking accent.

JAMES MCAVOY

Speak for yourself honey. You’re giving Charlie Hunnam a serious run for his money. So I understand you’ve been sent here to find and kill “Satchel”, but who could he be?

CHARLIZE THERON

Well, you of course. The reveal of Satchel is obviously going to be some kind of huge main character twist and WHO ELSE could Satchel be if not you? WHOOOOO?????

JAMES MCAVOY

(pause)

John Goodman?

CHARLIZE THERON

Yeah, maybe. Did you know he thinks Harvey Weinstein did nothing wrong?

JAMES MCAVOY

REALLY??? That fat fuck!

INT. EAST BERLIN, ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THAT WALL, THAT RUSSIA BUILT AND MADE THE GERMANS PAY FOR

Russian police badguy ROLAND MØLLER is harassing some break dancing skateboarders.

ROLAND MØLLER

Eddie Marsan knows the names of the undercover Russian agents so I need you guys to tell me where he is or I will beat one of you with a skateboard set to a 1980s pop tune.

He immediately BEATS ONE OF THEM TO DEATH WITH A SKATEBOARD set to a POP TUNE from the 1980s.

DANCING SKATEBOARDER

(while getting the shit beaten out of him)

YOU DIDN’T EVEN GIVE ME THE CHANCE TO ANSWER

(is violently killed!)

Meanwhile...

INT. HOTEL IN BERLIN, ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THAT TREMENDOUS WALL

CHARLIZE’s room has more neon lighting than a Daft Punk concert on the Las Vegas strip during a Tron convention.

JAMES MCAVOY

Hey Charlize, I broke in while you were naked in the bathroom. Is that weird? It kind of sounds weird when you say it out loud.

(is hit with rolled up newspaper)

CHARLIZE THERON

I need to find Eddie Marsan. Do you know him?

JAMES MCAVOY

What? No! I totally didn’t meet him at that dancing skateboarder hideout where he begged me to smuggle him out of East Berlin in exchange for the list of Russian names he has committed to memory. Honest!

CHARLIZE THERON

I am convinced.

JAMES MCAVOY

Really? Wow. I am clearly lying through my British teeth. You must be a real moron.

INT. SAM’S APARTMENT

CHARLIZE sexily goes looking for clues when she gets into a fight sequence with some COPS set to a 1980s POP TUNE.

CHARLIZE THERON

How’d those cops know I’d be there? James did you fucking rat me out?

JAMES MCAVOY

What? Come on! I totally don’t want you out of the picture so I can sell the list of Russian agents to the highest bidder after I kill that KGB Assassin and steal them from his cold vodka stained corpse!

CHARLIZE THERON

I believe you. Also I am secretly recording everything.

JAMES MCAVOY

Why?

CHARLIZE THERON

I make mix tapes by splicing together the recordings and SHIT wrong movie nevermind!

INT. NEON BAR MADE ENTIRELY OUT OF NEON, EVEN THE ALCOHOL

ROLAND MØLLER

Hello Charlize, I thought we should exchange a few quiet words over a drink because all our scenes after this are just one constant whip-pan of shooting and punching.

CHARLIZE THERON

Set to a pop tune from the 1980s?

ROLAND MØLLER

Wait-- is there another way to do it?

INT. EAST BERLIN

CHARLIZE crosses the boarder to meet someone or other when she is cornered by RUSSIAN GOONS!

KEY FACE

Greetings Charlize. You’ve been beating up too many dudes too easily so it’s time you encounter a true manly man you can’t so easily-- wait why is my name Key Face?

(is punched in the face)

(with keys)

(hanging out of his face)

(like a key-shaped face tumor complete with chain and car alarm fob)

(jesus fuck)

Oh. That’s why.

CHARLIZE gets her ass kicked by KEY FACE set to... rather contemporary generic action movie music.

CHARLIZE THERON

See? You really miss those sweet pop tunes when they’re gone.

(escapes!)

BILL SKARSGARD

Hey Charlize, I’m your contact. I’ll help you find Eddie Marsan.

CHARLIZE THERON

Why are you holding a red balloon and a kid’s severed arm?

BILL SKARSGARD

Uh... no reason.

INT. A NEON MAKING FACTORY THAT’S BEEN CONVERTED INTO A NEON NIGHT CLUB WITH EXTRA NEON ON ITS NEON FOR ITS NEON

CHARLIZE is having a sexy drink when she is approached by sexy SOPHIA BOUTELLA. Who is SEXY.

SOFIA BOUTELLA

Hello British Agent, I’m the French Agent, which means I’ll fuck anything with a hole.

CHARLIZE THERON

You’ve been following me.

SOFIA BOUTELLA

Of course! Sexy recognize sexy! Let’s talk more in the sexy neon bathroom!

But CHARLIZE pulls a gun on her!

CHARLIZE THERON

Sorry Sofia, but I can’t have your sexy interfering with my sexy! First you make paraplegics with foot knives sexy, then space aliens, and now mummies! How can I trust you?

They FUCK. Set to you know when and you know what.

CHARLIZE THERON

I now trust you completely.

SOFIA BOUTELLA

Well don’t trust James, he’s a cunt.

CHARLIZE THERON

Really. You don't say. Get outta here. I never would have guessed.

Meanwhile JAMES assassinates the KGB ASSASSIN and steals the list!

JAMES MCAVOY

Ha! Now I can see who this evil “Satchel” person is! But not the audience though, noooooooo, we still want this reveal to be a big surprise!

(pause)

Because if I’m not Satchel then WHO ELSE could it be? WHOOOOOOOO??!???!?!?

(wrings hands at the sky)

EXT. EAST BERLIN WALL RESIST MARCH

BILL SKARSGARD

Alright Charlize, I’ve brought you Eddie Marsan and arranged for you to transport him to West Berlin out in the open in broad daylight in full view of snipers.

CHARLIZE THERON

Thanks Bill, a real help you are. Stick to eating children, that’s what you’re good at.

JAMES MCAVOY

Haha! Unbeknownst to Charlize I’ve tipped off the Russians! AND I’ve shot Eddie! Now only I will have access to the top secret list!

CHARLIZE THERON

You cunt!

JAMES MCAVOY

Sticks and stones Charlize!

(escapes while twirling douche-stache!)

CHARLIZE THERON

Luckily Eddie’s still alive! I can still get him to safety by single-handedly killing all the Russian bad guys in this abandoned The Raid-style building, sexily!

CHARLIZE SHAKEY CAM’S her way through a couple of tough goons set to absolutely NO MUSIC AT ALL.

CHARLIZE THERON

Uh-oh, that can’t be good.

KEY FACE

(appears)

That’s right bitch! I’m back and tougher than-- wait are there still keys stuck in my face?

CHARLIZE and KEY FACE have a knock-down-drag-out fight that culminates with CHARLIZE fashioning her sexy into a corkscrew and stabbing KEY FACE in the throat. So I guess his new name is SCREW NECK? Nah, doesn't quite roll off the tongue. KEY FACE IT IS.

CHARLIZE THERON

Well that guy’s totally dead. Totally completely fucking worm food. I mean there’s no way he’s getting up from that. No way no how.

CHARLIZE and EDDIE escape in a car.

KEY FACE

(flings his mangled visage on to the hood of the car!)

BLARARRAGHGGHGH!!!!!

CHARLIZE THERON

ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME RIGHT NOW?!

KEY FACE

(is shot)

(is shot again)

(is run over by car)

(suffers broken back, ribs, legs, neck, crushed lung and brain damage)

(is probably still alive somehow)

CHARLIZE THERON

Phew! Now that that asshole’s gone Eddie and I can escape and go find a neon laden hospital to heal our wounds.

EDDIE MARSAN

Thanks Charlize! You just saved my life!

They get into a car chase set to a 1980s POP TUNE and are rammed into a river!

EDDIE MARSAN

(is trapped inside car)

I spoke too sooooooooon!!!!!!!

(drowns)

INT. WEST BERLIN

CHARLIZE goes to kill JAMES, but he’s too busy preparing to kill SOFIA!

SOFIA BOUTELLA

The primary job of a covert spy is to always be on your toes!

(listens to music through headphones with the volume turned up to too fucking loud)

(blindfolds self)

(ties both hands behind back)

JAMES MCAVOY

Wow this is going to be even easier than I thought!

But SOFIA still manages to stab JAMES a couple of times before he stranglers her to death because he is a TERRIBLE ASSASSIN.

SOFIA BOUTELLA

(dies!)

(sexily!)

JAMES MCAVOY

Now to leave the country for good old England! I just need to hop in my Porsche that’s parked across town outside my apartment where anyone like Charlize could easily find me and it’ll be nothing but smooth sailing--

(is shot!)

CHARLIZE THERON

Why did you kill Sofia? She was so sexy! Give me the list.

JAMES MCAVOY

I don’t have it! I’ve mailed it to London so you’re too late--

CHARLIZE THERON

(takes his watch)

Found it.

JAMES MCAVOY

Damnit! Why didn’t I hide that thing in my shoe? Or, like, inside my anus where it would’ve been much harder to fi

(is killed)

INT. BRITISH INTELLIGENCE - BACK AT THE BEGINNING OF THE MOVIE

TOBY JONES

Waitwaitwaitwait you KILLED our agent James? Well you’re in a shitstorm of trouble my good lady!

CHARLIZE THERON

But James was the evil double agent Satchel! Look, I’ve edited all my audio recordings to frame him as proof!

TOBY JONES

Oh. Well. No need to analyze the validity of your tape like a proper intelligence agency or anything like that. Good job. Where’s the list of Russian agents?

CHARLIZE THERON

(shrugs)

TOBY JONES

No further questions necessary. You got away scott free. So is that the end? It feels like the end to me.

A POP TUNE from the 1980s swells and the AUDIENCE starts putting on their coats and heading for the exits as we fade to black--

INT. HOTEL ROOM IN BERLIN - A COUPLE OF DAYS BEFORE THE LAST SCENE, I THINK? NON-LINEAR STORYTELLING CAN BE KIND OF A BITCH AMIRITE?

CHARLIZE has converted from ATOMIC BLONDE to ATOMIC BRUNETTE and meets with ROLAND MØLLER.

CHARLIZE THERON

Greetings comrade, for I am double agent Satchel!

ROLAND MØLLER

Really. You don't say. Get outta here. I never would have guessed. Totally fooled me. Honest. But now we must kill you. Because Russian. Please step on to this plastic tarp so my men can kill you in a clean and orderly fashion.

CHARLIZE THERON

What in my entire history as an ass kicking super spy makes you think I would do that?

ROLAND MØLLER

Well if we get blood on the carpet the hotel will charge us extra so I was hoping you’d do me one last solid?

CHARLIZE THERON

While you were talking I killed you and all your men and drank all your vodka. ALL OF IT. Oh, and I’m actually an American agent with an American accent. Twist! Now to remove my brunette wig to reveal my Atomic Blonde hair!

(pause)

Why was I even wearing a wig in the first goddamn place?

INT. PLANE

CHARLIZE boards and meets with... JOHN GOODMAN!

JOHN GOODMAN

Good job triple agent Theron! With your help we’ve successfully duped our enemies as well as our most trusted allies! That makes us heroes!

CHARLIZE THERON

Wait, if I’ve been American all this time that means I’ve been undercover in British Intelligence for, what, twenty years or something? The important thing is, the audience now realizes they know slightly more than UTTERLY JACK SHIT about the protagonist they've been watching for two hours! THAT'S how you build true audience investment!

A POP TUNE from blah blah blah ROLL CREDITS

END