FADE IN:

EXT. THE OCEAN

WILL SMITH hangs out on a YACHT with his two children, JADEN and WILLOW.

WILL SMITH

...and he realized that Uncle Phil was the closest thing to a father he had. Now, in episode 4.25, "For Sale by Owner"...

WILLOW SMITH

Dad, can't we go back home now? I have terrible music to record.

JADEN SMITH

And I have even more terrible music to record.

WILL SMITH

Awww, it's so great that you two want to carry on the Smith legacy. Did I ever tell you about when I used to record terrible music?

JADEN/WILLOW

YES.

WILL SMITH

Okay, well, how about I tell you about how someone was dumb enough to let me do it again?

JADEN and WILLOW roll their EYES and return to their game of HUNGRY SHARK.

WILL SMITH

Great! Let's begin with...

(to tune of "Arabian Nights")

A framing device

That the viewers don't need

Will you even recall

Its presence at all

By the end of Act 3?

This framing device

Doesn't add anything

Its one only use

Is one more excuse

For Will Smith to sing!

EXT. AGRABAH

PRINCESS NAOMI SCOTT wanders through the MARKETPLACE in an even more HALF-ASSED DISGUISE than the LAST ONE. She spots a HUNGRY CHILD.

PRINCESS NAOMI SCOTT

Why, hello, hungry child. Would you like an obvious hint that I actually care about the people in this city instead of my own Old World problems?

(hands him a loaf of bread with the word CONCERN charred into the crust)

SHOPKEEPER

You there! No taking food just standing out on a counter where anyone can grab it while my head is turned! My head was NOT turned that time!

PRINCESS NAOMI SCOTT

Oh, uh... what do poor people do when this happens? Anyone? Anyone?

MENA MASSOUD

(pops up randomly)

I'll take care of this. Give me your plainly visible eight-inch jewel-encrusted bracelet.

PRINCESS NAOMI SCOTT

Sure thing! I'll probably never see it again, but I have the foresight of an Alabama Republican so I'm just gonna let that happen.

MENA MASSOUD

No, my pet CGI monkey and I have this whole Vegas-level sleight-of-hand thing going on, so you'll get it back when I need an excuse to track you down after this. Ain't that right, Frank?

CGI FRANK WELKER

(sighs heavily in, uh, Monkese, I guess)

I used to be Megatron.

SHOPKEEPER

HEY WHAT ABOUT THE BREAD?!

MENA MASSOUD

Right, that. Do you trust me?

PRINCESS NAOMI SCOTT

Uh... no?

MENA MASSOUD

Look, Ritchie decided to smash the two marketplace scenes together, so you don't really have a choice but to go with this. Let's try again: Do you trust me?

PRINCESS NAOMI SCOTT

I don't know the city and I've never been chased by anyone. I'll just drag down what's supposed to set up the rhythm of the rest of the movie.

MENA MASSOUD

Probably, but nobody cares about that but you. One more time: Do you trust me?

PRINCESS NAOMI SCOTT

Ugh, fine. Let's get on with it.

MENA back-flips and ricochets off every WALL and AWNING in sight while NAOMI tries not to mess up her HAIR.

90S KIDS WHO BROUGHT THEIR OWN KIDS TO THIS THING

(to tune of "One Jump Ahead")

Big jump ahead of the set-up

Who knows what's going on?

Just that he's some kinda low-rent con

With great parkour skills!

This kid should be endearing

He's just smirky and slick

Why'd they turn him into such a dick?

They arrive at MENA's SURPRISINGLY SPACIOUS PENTHOUSE.

PRINCESS NAOMI SCOTT

So this is what poverty looks like, huh? I bet you could get $2.2 mil for this in the Bay Area.

MENA MASSOUD

Yeah, it's a great place to hoard all these trinkets I supposedly stole for food.

PRINCESS NAOMI SCOTT

Really? You look well-fed enough to me. Not to mention, your clothes are clean, your face is shaven, you haven't been thrown out of what could probably be a very useful watchtower or lighthouse or something...

MENA MASSOUD

I told you: Nobody cares about visual realism but you.

They hear a COMMOTION outside.

MENA MASSOUD

Look at those banners. An eggplant on a rainbow field. Who is that?

PRINCESS NAOMI SCOTT

Oh, right, I should get back. Prince Billy of the Kingdom of Ködedegay is here to meet me.

MENA MASSOUD

But wait! Will I see you again?

PRINCESS NAOMI SCOTT

Since we've demonstrated the chemistry of a stagnant puddle and a second stagnant puddle, let's hope not.

(leaves)

90S KIDS WHO BROUGHT THEIR OWN KIDS TO THIS THING

(to tune of "One Jump Ahead (reprise)")

Stiff, flat, can't act!

Who would cast that?

What a crap performance!

They're so dull, they'll put us all to bed!

We'll find out...

It's all downhill ahead!

INT. PALACE

SULTAN NAVID NEGHABAN greets PRINCE BILLY MAGNUSSEN.

SULTAN NAVID NEGHABAN

Welcome to Agrabah, where 9th century sultans broker marriages with 9th century Scandinavians. Don't mind the noises outside. That's just the sound of historians' heads exploding.

PRINCE BILLY MAGNUSSEN

Oh, I am just tickled pink to meet your fabulous princess!

(eats crème brûlée)

PRINCESS NAOMI SCOTT

And you people think I'M too womanly to rule? Fuck this.

(to tune of--)

You know what? We're not even going to dignify this number with a parody, because you'll forget what it sounds like the second you leave the cinema. Just assume I sung a song about how all post-Sleeping Beauty princess solos are exactly the same and I didn't need one anyway. Good? Good.

She overhears GRAND VIZIER MARWAN KENZARI scheming.

GRAND VIZIER MARWAN KENZARI

And that, Your Eminence, is why you should invade this plot-irrelevant country.

SULTAN NAVID NEGHABAN

Oh, dear, I don't know...

GRAND VIZIER MARWAN KENZARI

(activates snake-shaped hypno-staff)

Why, yes, you do.

SULTAN NAVID NEGHABAN

WHY YES I--

PRINCESS NAOMI SCOTT

Hey! No war!

SNAKE-SHAPED HYPNO-STAFF

(deactivates)

GRAND VIZIER MARWAN KENZARI

Blast! How am I supposed to make everyone do exactly as I say when this thing has the battery life of a trade show flashlight? I MUST HAVE THE GENIE!

CGI ALAN TUDYK

BWAAAKKK!!! Maybe you should stop throwing ugly prisoners at the problem.

GRAND VIZIER MARWAN KENZARI

You're right. Find me someone attractive to imprison!

CGI ALAN TUDYK flies off, spotting MENA sneaking into the PALACE.

CGI ALAN TUDYK

BWAAAKKK!!! That was quick.

MENA is caught on his way to stalk talk to NAOMI!

EXT. CAVE

MENA stands at the mouth of the TIGER-SHAPED CAVE that nobody but MARWAN knows about.

GRAND VIZIER MARWAN KENZARI

Here's the deal: Go in there and get me the lamp--no description necessary, you'll know it when you see it--and I'll wire 15 percent of my dead father's riches into your account.

MENA MASSOUD

I dunno, that sounds pretty sketchy...

GRAND VIZIER MARWAN KENZARI

Fine, DON'T fuck the princess then.

MENA MASSOUD

Okay, I'm in.

The NEXT FIVE MINUTES happen exactly as you remember them, making you wonder, not for the FIRST TIME, why you haven't gone home to re-watch the ORIGINAL yet.

MENA MASSOUD

Well, shit. What's so special about this lamp, anyway?

(squints)

There's something written on it... "Na na na na na na"?

WILL SMITH

(~*POOF!*~)

GETTIN' GENIE WIT IT!

MENA MASSOUD

(stares blankly)

WILL SMITH

Okay, now you have to say "Na na na na na na" again. I've waited ten thousand years for this.

MENA MASSOUD

You mean ten thousand years since anyone put up with G-rated rap? Even Hammer was more hardcore than you by then.

WILL SMITH

Look, if Disney thinks I have both the comedy chops AND the musical chops for this--

MENA MASSOUD

You don't. There's only one person in the world who could pull this off, and he DIED. So let's pretend your migraine of a cover didn't happen and get to the wishes.

WILL SMITH

But--

MENA MASSOUD

NO. They can read Craig's take on the original if they want a "Friend Like Me" scene. Even the writer who spoofed six different ABBA songs has her limits.

WILL SMITH

(annoyed sigh)

What would you like, MASTER?

MENA MASSOUD

I wish for all the sartorial trappings of princedom and absolutely none of the etiquette or social acumen.

WILL SMITH

That means throwing a giant, tacky parade! You HAVE to let me rap for that. Please please please.

MENA MASSOUD

Okay, but make it one of the raps that people still kind of like. No "Nod Ya Heads" or anything.

WILL SMITH

HOLLA!

(rapping)

Now, this is a sequence all about how

Your look gets flipped, turned upside down

We're gonna get some new clothes

And we'll comb your hair

I'm gonna turn you into the prince of some kingdom somewhere!

CONFETTI EXPLOSION TO:

EXT. AGRABAH

A pimped-out "PRINCE" MENA parades through the GATES, making all the LADIES wet their SALWAR PANTS.

WILL SMITH

In great royal splendor, born and raised

In a palace was where he spent most of his days

Chillin' out, feedin' and leadin' his land

And all marchin' into town with his zoo and his band

Get a load of the prince!

On your knees, one and all!

Better clear the way, this baller's gonna ball!

He's gonna ask for the hand of the princess fair

Who says:

PRINCESS NAOMI SCOTT

I'm so NOT into the prince of some kingdom somewhere!

"PRINCE" MENA parades into the PALACE.

WILL SMITH

In he comes, mighty Sultan, to ask for your favor

Your daughter's so fine

Yo, homes, let him date her!

Look at this prince!

He doesn't have any peer!

He's just the right guy for your kingdom right here!

SULTAN NAVID NEGHABAN

(popping and locking)

Such a sick beat! Don't you agree, Marwan?

GRAND VIZIER MARWAN KENZARI

(grudgingly bopping head)

QUITE sick, Your Eminence.

"PRINCE" MENA MASSOUD

Greetings, your, uh, Sultanness. It is I, Prince Mena of the Kingdom of Da Derp Dee Derp Da Teetley Derpee Derpee Dumb. I have come to treat marriage to Naomi like a financial transaction, which, let's be honest, it was most of the time.

PRINCESS NAOMI SCOTT

Oh HELL no! You think I'm gonna stand for that? Not when my boldness and idealism have been used to subvert the princess archetype so many times that they're basically part of the archetype now! FUCK YOU AND THE ELEPHANTMONKEY YOU RODE IN ON!

(storms off)

SULTAN NAVID NEGHABAN

Well, considering she fed the last six princes to her pet tiger, I'd say that went pretty well.

GRAND VIZIER MARWAN KENZARI

Almost... suspiciously well. What does this little fucker have that the others didn't? CGI Alan, go find out.

CGI ALAN TUDYK

BWAAAKKK!!! It's a good thing everyone keeps their giant bay windows wide open around here.

INT. NAOMI'S BEDROOM

NAOMI chats with her handmaiden, NASIM PEDRAD.

PRINCESS NAOMI SCOTT

Just once, I'd like a prince to show up here with a nice cup of coffee and an in-depth discussion of post-Kantian philosophy. Then we'd be in business.

NASIM PEDRAD

(helps a grown-ass woman get dressed)

Yup. Sucks to be you, all right.

They hear a knock at the DOOR. NASIM answers it to find WILL.

WILL SMITH

Uh, hi there. I couldn't help but notice that you're much too funny and charming for this movie. Want to exit the scene so the boring people can talk some more? And just so we're clear, this is TOTALLY not a ruse that Mena wished for me to invent.

NASIM PEDRAD

Wait, YOU get a romantic subplot?

WILL SMITH

Yeah. I know.

They leave to compare notes about NBC. Meanwhile, "PRINCE" MENA appears in front of the WINDOW.

"PRINCE" MENA MASSOUD

Why don't you come with me, lil' girl, on a magic carpet ride?

PRINCESS NAOMI SCOTT

Okay, considering how badly that last scene went, it is REALLY bad form for you to sneak up to my room. I could have any one of your body parts cut off and nobody would criticize me for it.

"PRINCE" MENA MASSOUD

And let me just say how much I admire your willingness to stand up to a man doing something obviously creepy. You're a role model for young girls everywhere.

PRINCESS NAOMI SCOTT

You think so? Well, in that case, I'll totally go to a second location with you.

They fly over the CITY, managing not to spray INNOCENT CIVILIANS with gallons of TURBULENCE- or ALTITUDE SICKNESS-induced VOMIT.

"PRINCE" MENA MASSOUD

(to tune of "A Whole New World")

I can show you I'm woke

I'll respect your opinions

I won't make you my minion

You'll still get to live your life

I'll tune in when you talk

Bring you ice cream and flowers

Fuck your brains out for hours

You just have to be my wife!

A real nice guy!

The kind you always dreamed you'd meet!

Although I'm basing this relationship

On platitudes and bullshit...

PRINCESS NAOMI SCOTT

A real nice guy!

The kind of husband I can stand!

You'd never lie to me

To get the V

I trust you so much, you can have my hand!

"PRINCE" MENA MASSOUD

Wait... uh, really?

PRINCESS NAOMI SCOTT

A real nice guy!

"PRINCE" MENA MASSOUD

I mean, just like that?

PRINCESS NAOMI SCOTT

Without a doubt!

"PRINCE" MENA MASSOUD

You don't want to get to know each other better, maybe talk some more?

PRINCESS NAOMI SCOTT

Now leeettt's maaake ooouuut!

"PRINCE" MENA MASSOUD

...Well, I'm not complaining!

INT. PALACE

MENA chats with WILL.

"PRINCE" MENA MASSOUD

So you know all that stuff I said about how I'd use my final wish to free you from geniehood? Forget it. A lifetime of slavery it is.

WILL SMITH

Big surprise. Will you at LEAST let me rap some more?

"PRINCE" MENA MASSOUD

FOR THE 29TH TIME NO.

WILL SMITH

Then I am taking my magic and GOING HOME.

(~*POOF!*~)

CGI ALAN TUDYK

(watching from the window)

BWAAAKKK!!! You think he'd find a safe for that thing.

He steals the LAMP and flies off. Meanwhile, NAOMI chats with NAVID.

PRINCESS NAOMI SCOTT

So you know all that stuff I said about how I should rule Agrabah and I don't need no man? Forget it. Mena it is.

SULTAN NAVID NEGHABAN

Splendid! I'm sure the twitchy, nervous young man I know nothing about will make a fine sultan after I bite it.

GRAND VIZIER MARWAN KENZARI

(bursts in)

NOT SO FAST! If there's going to be a sultan around here, it shall be me! Will, show them!

WILL SMITH

(~*POOF!*~)

Show them what? You're not giving me anything to work with.

GRAND VIZIER MARWAN KENZARI

What do you mean? I dress in black, I have a snake-shaped hypno-staff, I'm doing the "evil" voice... what more do you want?

SULTAN NAVID NEGHABAN

Will has a point. You're supposed to be campy and hideous, not mildly slimy and kind of good-looking. Besides, Will got a solo, Naomi got a solo, Mena got a solo, but you still haven't.

GRAND VIZIER MARWAN KENZARI

Very well! Will, for my first wish, I shall have MY VERY OWN VILLAIN SONG!

WILL SMITH

(getting excited)

Okay, just so I'm clear, you WANT me to make up a song on the spot?

GRAND VIZIER MARWAN KENZARI

Yes! Do it now!

WILL SMITH

(conjures up DJ JAZZY JEFF)

Yeah! Ha-ha! Uh uh uh!

GRAND VIZIER MARWAN KENZARI

...I immediately regret this wish.

PRINCESS NAOMI SCOTT

All right, that's enough! I am the only heir to the sultanate, and I will take it by securing the loyalty of captain of the guards Numan Acar, who suddenly matters!

GRAND VIZIER MARWAN KENZARI

NO! Numan's loyalty suddenly means everything to ME! Even more than my existing magic powers and the genie I now possess!

NUMAN ACAR

Yeah, I'm just, like, a guy with a sword, so...

WILL SMITH

(stops rapping, throws JAZZ out)

Hell with this guy, he ain't even listening.

GRAND VIZIER MARWAN KENZARI

Indeed, that was painful, but I'm not through with you yet! For my second wish, make me a sorcerer!

WILL SMITH

But you ARE a sorcerer.

GRAND VIZIER MARWAN KENZARI

THEN MAKE ME MORE SORCERER-ER-ER! And just in case that's not enough omnipotence, I shall force Naomi to marry me so I can get the throne legitimately!

PRINCESS NAOMI SCOTT

You just thought of that now? Why didn't you use your sorcery to make Navid sign a document making you the heir? Or kill him and me? Or alter everyone's memories so they just assume you're the sultan? Or create your very own planet of Marwania and give yourself immortality so you can be supreme ruler of something for all eternity? Or HAHA GOT YOUR LAMP!

She tosses it out the window to MENA!

GRAND VIZIER MARWAN KENZARI

YOU! How did you get back here? I zapped you to Antarctica!

MENA MASSOUD

Yes, but you FORGOT that I have a magic carpet that can travel at the speed of plot and immunity against all environmental causes of death!

GRAND VIZIER MARWAN KENZARI

CGI Alan, deal with this!

CGI ALAN TUDYK

BWAAAKKK!!! I really need to stop playing bird characters. My vocals are totally fried.

He flies off and MENA chases him on the CARPET and the LAMP goes from the PARROT to the MONKEY to the PARROT to the MONKEY to the PARROT to the MONKEY and then the PARROT gets huge but the MONKEY gets the LAMP in the end and at no point does NAOMI get her ACTUAL PET TIGER to eat MARWAN or the PARROT and WOW are these people bad at making use of their RESOURCES.

GRAND VIZIER MARWAN KENZARI

Well, that was pointless. I'll just put a knife in Mena so he gets absolutely for realsies dead, and THEN I'll be the most powerful person here!

MENA MASSOUD

No, you won't! You needed Will to extend the battery life of your hypno-staff, you needed CGI Alan to do all your recon, and you just decided you needed Naomi to make this all socially acceptable. You're actually kind of a shit sorcerer when you think about it.

GRAND VIZIER MARWAN KENZARI

(pauses, sighs)

Yeah, you're right. Will, for my final wish, put me in charge of something where my skills in mid-tier evil are most needed.

WILL SMITH

Can do!

He turns MARWAN into the CEO of UNITED AIRLINES.

SULTAN NAVID NEGHABAN

Well, Naomi, this whole episode has proven that you do deserve to rule the kingdom, even though all you really did was spout some bullet points from a 1975 National Organization for Women pamphlet.

PRINCESS NAOMI SCOTT

You can count on me, Father! There will be bread on every homeless child's lap, an infrastructure funding package to repair the damages from the monkey/parrot battle, and a worthy man by my side. How about it, Mena?

MENA MASSOUD

You mean you still think I'm worthy, even though everything that happened in the movie is kind of my fault?

PRINCESS NAOMI SCOTT

Well, it's down to you or Prince Billy, and I see him as more of a shopping and karaoke buddy.

MENA MASSOUD

Okay, I'm in. But first: Will, for my final wish, I make you both free and a real boy.

WILL SMITH

You mean...?

MENA MASSOUD

Yes, you're a Genie who fucks now.

WILL and NASIM high-five and go to town on the CARPET.

EXT. THE OCEAN

WILL finishes his STORY.

WILL SMITH

...and the Genie learned that the real magic was the friends he made along the way. The end.

He looks at JADEN and WILLOW, who fell asleep HALF AN HOUR ago.

WILL SMITH

Finally! No one to stop me!

(to tune of "Arabian Nights")

Genie realized his dream

Got a boat and Nasim

They had two kids, ain't that nice?

Yeah, you don't really care

But we'll lay his fate bare

IN THIS STUPID-ASS FRAMING DEVIIIICE!

END