The Abridged Script
FADE IN:
EXT. THE OCEAN
WILL SMITH hangs out on a YACHT with his two children, JADEN and WILLOW.
WILL SMITH
...and he realized that Uncle Phil was the closest thing to a father he had. Now, in episode 4.25, "For Sale by Owner"...
WILLOW SMITH
Dad, can't we go back home now? I have terrible music to record.
JADEN SMITH
And I have even more terrible music to record.
WILL SMITH
Awww, it's so great that you two want to carry on the Smith legacy. Did I ever tell you about when I used to record terrible music?
JADEN/WILLOW
YES.
WILL SMITH
Okay, well, how about I tell you about how someone was dumb enough to let me do it again?
JADEN and WILLOW roll their EYES and return to their game of HUNGRY SHARK.
WILL SMITH
Great! Let's begin with...
(to tune of "Arabian Nights")
A framing device
That the viewers don't need
Will you even recall
Its presence at all
By the end of Act 3?
This framing device
Doesn't add anything
Its one only use
Is one more excuse
For Will Smith to sing!
EXT. AGRABAH
PRINCESS NAOMI SCOTT wanders through the MARKETPLACE in an even more HALF-ASSED DISGUISE than the LAST ONE. She spots a HUNGRY CHILD.
PRINCESS NAOMI SCOTT
Why, hello, hungry child. Would you like an obvious hint that I actually care about the people in this city instead of my own Old World problems?
(hands him a loaf of bread with the word CONCERN charred into the crust)
SHOPKEEPER
You there! No taking food just standing out on a counter where anyone can grab it while my head is turned! My head was NOT turned that time!
PRINCESS NAOMI SCOTT
Oh, uh... what do poor people do when this happens? Anyone? Anyone?
MENA MASSOUD
(pops up randomly)
I'll take care of this. Give me your plainly visible eight-inch jewel-encrusted bracelet.
PRINCESS NAOMI SCOTT
Sure thing! I'll probably never see it again, but I have the foresight of an Alabama Republican so I'm just gonna let that happen.
MENA MASSOUD
No, my pet CGI monkey and I have this whole Vegas-level sleight-of-hand thing going on, so you'll get it back when I need an excuse to track you down after this. Ain't that right, Frank?
CGI FRANK WELKER
(sighs heavily in, uh, Monkese, I guess)
I used to be Megatron.
SHOPKEEPER
HEY WHAT ABOUT THE BREAD?!
MENA MASSOUD
Right, that. Do you trust me?
PRINCESS NAOMI SCOTT
Uh... no?
MENA MASSOUD
Look, Ritchie decided to smash the two marketplace scenes together, so you don't really have a choice but to go with this. Let's try again: Do you trust me?
PRINCESS NAOMI SCOTT
I don't know the city and I've never been chased by anyone. I'll just drag down what's supposed to set up the rhythm of the rest of the movie.
MENA MASSOUD
Probably, but nobody cares about that but you. One more time: Do you trust me?
PRINCESS NAOMI SCOTT
Ugh, fine. Let's get on with it.
MENA back-flips and ricochets off every WALL and AWNING in sight while NAOMI tries not to mess up her HAIR.
90S KIDS WHO BROUGHT THEIR OWN KIDS TO THIS THING
(to tune of "One Jump Ahead")
Big jump ahead of the set-up
Who knows what's going on?
Just that he's some kinda low-rent con
With great parkour skills!
This kid should be endearing
He's just smirky and slick
Why'd they turn him into such a dick?
They arrive at MENA's SURPRISINGLY SPACIOUS PENTHOUSE.
PRINCESS NAOMI SCOTT
So this is what poverty looks like, huh? I bet you could get $2.2 mil for this in the Bay Area.
MENA MASSOUD
Yeah, it's a great place to hoard all these trinkets I supposedly stole for food.
PRINCESS NAOMI SCOTT
Really? You look well-fed enough to me. Not to mention, your clothes are clean, your face is shaven, you haven't been thrown out of what could probably be a very useful watchtower or lighthouse or something...
MENA MASSOUD
I told you: Nobody cares about visual realism but you.
They hear a COMMOTION outside.
MENA MASSOUD
Look at those banners. An eggplant on a rainbow field. Who is that?
PRINCESS NAOMI SCOTT
Oh, right, I should get back. Prince Billy of the Kingdom of Ködedegay is here to meet me.
MENA MASSOUD
But wait! Will I see you again?
PRINCESS NAOMI SCOTT
Since we've demonstrated the chemistry of a stagnant puddle and a second stagnant puddle, let's hope not.
(leaves)
90S KIDS WHO BROUGHT THEIR OWN KIDS TO THIS THING
(to tune of "One Jump Ahead (reprise)")
Stiff, flat, can't act!
Who would cast that?
What a crap performance!
They're so dull, they'll put us all to bed!
We'll find out...
It's all downhill ahead!
INT. PALACE
SULTAN NAVID NEGHABAN greets PRINCE BILLY MAGNUSSEN.
SULTAN NAVID NEGHABAN
Welcome to Agrabah, where 9th century sultans broker marriages with 9th century Scandinavians. Don't mind the noises outside. That's just the sound of historians' heads exploding.
PRINCE BILLY MAGNUSSEN
Oh, I am just tickled pink to meet your fabulous princess!
(eats crème brûlée)
PRINCESS NAOMI SCOTT
And you people think I'M too womanly to rule? Fuck this.
(to tune of--)
You know what? We're not even going to dignify this number with a parody, because you'll forget what it sounds like the second you leave the cinema. Just assume I sung a song about how all post-Sleeping Beauty princess solos are exactly the same and I didn't need one anyway. Good? Good.
She overhears GRAND VIZIER MARWAN KENZARI scheming.
GRAND VIZIER MARWAN KENZARI
And that, Your Eminence, is why you should invade this plot-irrelevant country.
SULTAN NAVID NEGHABAN
Oh, dear, I don't know...
GRAND VIZIER MARWAN KENZARI
(activates snake-shaped hypno-staff)
Why, yes, you do.
SULTAN NAVID NEGHABAN
WHY YES I--
PRINCESS NAOMI SCOTT
Hey! No war!
SNAKE-SHAPED HYPNO-STAFF
(deactivates)
GRAND VIZIER MARWAN KENZARI
Blast! How am I supposed to make everyone do exactly as I say when this thing has the battery life of a trade show flashlight? I MUST HAVE THE GENIE!
CGI ALAN TUDYK
BWAAAKKK!!! Maybe you should stop throwing ugly prisoners at the problem.
GRAND VIZIER MARWAN KENZARI
You're right. Find me someone attractive to imprison!
CGI ALAN TUDYK flies off, spotting MENA sneaking into the PALACE.
CGI ALAN TUDYK
BWAAAKKK!!! That was quick.
MENA is caught on his way to stalk talk to NAOMI!
EXT. CAVE
MENA stands at the mouth of the TIGER-SHAPED CAVE that nobody but MARWAN knows about.
GRAND VIZIER MARWAN KENZARI
Here's the deal: Go in there and get me the lamp--no description necessary, you'll know it when you see it--and I'll wire 15 percent of my dead father's riches into your account.
MENA MASSOUD
I dunno, that sounds pretty sketchy...
GRAND VIZIER MARWAN KENZARI
Fine, DON'T fuck the princess then.
MENA MASSOUD
Okay, I'm in.
The NEXT FIVE MINUTES happen exactly as you remember them, making you wonder, not for the FIRST TIME, why you haven't gone home to re-watch the ORIGINAL yet.
MENA MASSOUD
Well, shit. What's so special about this lamp, anyway?
(squints)
There's something written on it... "Na na na na na na"?
WILL SMITH
(~*POOF!*~)
GETTIN' GENIE WIT IT!
MENA MASSOUD
(stares blankly)
WILL SMITH
Okay, now you have to say "Na na na na na na" again. I've waited ten thousand years for this.
MENA MASSOUD
You mean ten thousand years since anyone put up with G-rated rap? Even Hammer was more hardcore than you by then.
WILL SMITH
Look, if Disney thinks I have both the comedy chops AND the musical chops for this--
MENA MASSOUD
You don't. There's only one person in the world who could pull this off, and he DIED. So let's pretend your migraine of a cover didn't happen and get to the wishes.
WILL SMITH
But--
MENA MASSOUD
NO. They can read Craig's take on the original if they want a "Friend Like Me" scene. Even the writer who spoofed six different ABBA songs has her limits.
WILL SMITH
(annoyed sigh)
What would you like, MASTER?
MENA MASSOUD
I wish for all the sartorial trappings of princedom and absolutely none of the etiquette or social acumen.
WILL SMITH
That means throwing a giant, tacky parade! You HAVE to let me rap for that. Please please please.
MENA MASSOUD
Okay, but make it one of the raps that people still kind of like. No "Nod Ya Heads" or anything.
WILL SMITH
HOLLA!
(rapping)
Now, this is a sequence all about how
Your look gets flipped, turned upside down
We're gonna get some new clothes
And we'll comb your hair
I'm gonna turn you into the prince of some kingdom somewhere!
CONFETTI EXPLOSION TO:
EXT. AGRABAH
A pimped-out "PRINCE" MENA parades through the GATES, making all the LADIES wet their SALWAR PANTS.
WILL SMITH
In great royal splendor, born and raised
In a palace was where he spent most of his days
Chillin' out, feedin' and leadin' his land
And all marchin' into town with his zoo and his band
Get a load of the prince!
On your knees, one and all!
Better clear the way, this baller's gonna ball!
He's gonna ask for the hand of the princess fair
Who says:
PRINCESS NAOMI SCOTT
I'm so NOT into the prince of some kingdom somewhere!
"PRINCE" MENA parades into the PALACE.
WILL SMITH
In he comes, mighty Sultan, to ask for your favor
Your daughter's so fine
Yo, homes, let him date her!
Look at this prince!
He doesn't have any peer!
He's just the right guy for your kingdom right here!
SULTAN NAVID NEGHABAN
(popping and locking)
Such a sick beat! Don't you agree, Marwan?
GRAND VIZIER MARWAN KENZARI
(grudgingly bopping head)
QUITE sick, Your Eminence.
"PRINCE" MENA MASSOUD
Greetings, your, uh, Sultanness. It is I, Prince Mena of the Kingdom of Da Derp Dee Derp Da Teetley Derpee Derpee Dumb. I have come to treat marriage to Naomi like a financial transaction, which, let's be honest, it was most of the time.
PRINCESS NAOMI SCOTT
Oh HELL no! You think I'm gonna stand for that? Not when my boldness and idealism have been used to subvert the princess archetype so many times that they're basically part of the archetype now! FUCK YOU AND THE ELEPHANTMONKEY YOU RODE IN ON!
(storms off)
SULTAN NAVID NEGHABAN
Well, considering she fed the last six princes to her pet tiger, I'd say that went pretty well.
GRAND VIZIER MARWAN KENZARI
Almost... suspiciously well. What does this little fucker have that the others didn't? CGI Alan, go find out.
CGI ALAN TUDYK
BWAAAKKK!!! It's a good thing everyone keeps their giant bay windows wide open around here.
INT. NAOMI'S BEDROOM
NAOMI chats with her handmaiden, NASIM PEDRAD.
PRINCESS NAOMI SCOTT
Just once, I'd like a prince to show up here with a nice cup of coffee and an in-depth discussion of post-Kantian philosophy. Then we'd be in business.
NASIM PEDRAD
(helps a grown-ass woman get dressed)
Yup. Sucks to be you, all right.
They hear a knock at the DOOR. NASIM answers it to find WILL.
WILL SMITH
Uh, hi there. I couldn't help but notice that you're much too funny and charming for this movie. Want to exit the scene so the boring people can talk some more? And just so we're clear, this is TOTALLY not a ruse that Mena wished for me to invent.
NASIM PEDRAD
Wait, YOU get a romantic subplot?
WILL SMITH
Yeah. I know.
They leave to compare notes about NBC. Meanwhile, "PRINCE" MENA appears in front of the WINDOW.
"PRINCE" MENA MASSOUD
Why don't you come with me, lil' girl, on a magic carpet ride?
PRINCESS NAOMI SCOTT
Okay, considering how badly that last scene went, it is REALLY bad form for you to sneak up to my room. I could have any one of your body parts cut off and nobody would criticize me for it.
"PRINCE" MENA MASSOUD
And let me just say how much I admire your willingness to stand up to a man doing something obviously creepy. You're a role model for young girls everywhere.
PRINCESS NAOMI SCOTT
You think so? Well, in that case, I'll totally go to a second location with you.
They fly over the CITY, managing not to spray INNOCENT CIVILIANS with gallons of TURBULENCE- or ALTITUDE SICKNESS-induced VOMIT.
"PRINCE" MENA MASSOUD
(to tune of "A Whole New World")
I can show you I'm woke
I'll respect your opinions
I won't make you my minion
You'll still get to live your life
I'll tune in when you talk
Bring you ice cream and flowers
Fuck your brains out for hours
You just have to be my wife!
A real nice guy!
The kind you always dreamed you'd meet!
Although I'm basing this relationship
On platitudes and bullshit...
PRINCESS NAOMI SCOTT
A real nice guy!
The kind of husband I can stand!
You'd never lie to me
To get the V
I trust you so much, you can have my hand!
"PRINCE" MENA MASSOUD
Wait... uh, really?
PRINCESS NAOMI SCOTT
A real nice guy!
"PRINCE" MENA MASSOUD
I mean, just like that?
PRINCESS NAOMI SCOTT
Without a doubt!
"PRINCE" MENA MASSOUD
You don't want to get to know each other better, maybe talk some more?
PRINCESS NAOMI SCOTT
Now leeettt's maaake ooouuut!
"PRINCE" MENA MASSOUD
...Well, I'm not complaining!
INT. PALACE
MENA chats with WILL.
"PRINCE" MENA MASSOUD
So you know all that stuff I said about how I'd use my final wish to free you from geniehood? Forget it. A lifetime of slavery it is.
WILL SMITH
Big surprise. Will you at LEAST let me rap some more?
"PRINCE" MENA MASSOUD
FOR THE 29TH TIME NO.
WILL SMITH
Then I am taking my magic and GOING HOME.
(~*POOF!*~)
CGI ALAN TUDYK
(watching from the window)
BWAAAKKK!!! You think he'd find a safe for that thing.
He steals the LAMP and flies off. Meanwhile, NAOMI chats with NAVID.
PRINCESS NAOMI SCOTT
So you know all that stuff I said about how I should rule Agrabah and I don't need no man? Forget it. Mena it is.
SULTAN NAVID NEGHABAN
Splendid! I'm sure the twitchy, nervous young man I know nothing about will make a fine sultan after I bite it.
GRAND VIZIER MARWAN KENZARI
(bursts in)
NOT SO FAST! If there's going to be a sultan around here, it shall be me! Will, show them!
WILL SMITH
(~*POOF!*~)
Show them what? You're not giving me anything to work with.
GRAND VIZIER MARWAN KENZARI
What do you mean? I dress in black, I have a snake-shaped hypno-staff, I'm doing the "evil" voice... what more do you want?
SULTAN NAVID NEGHABAN
Will has a point. You're supposed to be campy and hideous, not mildly slimy and kind of good-looking. Besides, Will got a solo, Naomi got a solo, Mena got a solo, but you still haven't.
GRAND VIZIER MARWAN KENZARI
Very well! Will, for my first wish, I shall have MY VERY OWN VILLAIN SONG!
WILL SMITH
(getting excited)
Okay, just so I'm clear, you WANT me to make up a song on the spot?
GRAND VIZIER MARWAN KENZARI
Yes! Do it now!
WILL SMITH
(conjures up DJ JAZZY JEFF)
Yeah! Ha-ha! Uh uh uh!
GRAND VIZIER MARWAN KENZARI
...I immediately regret this wish.
PRINCESS NAOMI SCOTT
All right, that's enough! I am the only heir to the sultanate, and I will take it by securing the loyalty of captain of the guards Numan Acar, who suddenly matters!
GRAND VIZIER MARWAN KENZARI
NO! Numan's loyalty suddenly means everything to ME! Even more than my existing magic powers and the genie I now possess!
NUMAN ACAR
Yeah, I'm just, like, a guy with a sword, so...
WILL SMITH
(stops rapping, throws JAZZ out)
Hell with this guy, he ain't even listening.
GRAND VIZIER MARWAN KENZARI
Indeed, that was painful, but I'm not through with you yet! For my second wish, make me a sorcerer!
WILL SMITH
But you ARE a sorcerer.
GRAND VIZIER MARWAN KENZARI
THEN MAKE ME MORE SORCERER-ER-ER! And just in case that's not enough omnipotence, I shall force Naomi to marry me so I can get the throne legitimately!
PRINCESS NAOMI SCOTT
You just thought of that now? Why didn't you use your sorcery to make Navid sign a document making you the heir? Or kill him and me? Or alter everyone's memories so they just assume you're the sultan? Or create your very own planet of Marwania and give yourself immortality so you can be supreme ruler of something for all eternity? Or HAHA GOT YOUR LAMP!
She tosses it out the window to MENA!
GRAND VIZIER MARWAN KENZARI
YOU! How did you get back here? I zapped you to Antarctica!
MENA MASSOUD
Yes, but you FORGOT that I have a magic carpet that can travel at the speed of plot and immunity against all environmental causes of death!
GRAND VIZIER MARWAN KENZARI
CGI Alan, deal with this!
CGI ALAN TUDYK
BWAAAKKK!!! I really need to stop playing bird characters. My vocals are totally fried.
He flies off and MENA chases him on the CARPET and the LAMP goes from the PARROT to the MONKEY to the PARROT to the MONKEY to the PARROT to the MONKEY and then the PARROT gets huge but the MONKEY gets the LAMP in the end and at no point does NAOMI get her ACTUAL PET TIGER to eat MARWAN or the PARROT and WOW are these people bad at making use of their RESOURCES.
GRAND VIZIER MARWAN KENZARI
Well, that was pointless. I'll just put a knife in Mena so he gets absolutely for realsies dead, and THEN I'll be the most powerful person here!
MENA MASSOUD
No, you won't! You needed Will to extend the battery life of your hypno-staff, you needed CGI Alan to do all your recon, and you just decided you needed Naomi to make this all socially acceptable. You're actually kind of a shit sorcerer when you think about it.
GRAND VIZIER MARWAN KENZARI
(pauses, sighs)
Yeah, you're right. Will, for my final wish, put me in charge of something where my skills in mid-tier evil are most needed.
WILL SMITH
Can do!
He turns MARWAN into the CEO of UNITED AIRLINES.
SULTAN NAVID NEGHABAN
Well, Naomi, this whole episode has proven that you do deserve to rule the kingdom, even though all you really did was spout some bullet points from a 1975 National Organization for Women pamphlet.
PRINCESS NAOMI SCOTT
You can count on me, Father! There will be bread on every homeless child's lap, an infrastructure funding package to repair the damages from the monkey/parrot battle, and a worthy man by my side. How about it, Mena?
MENA MASSOUD
You mean you still think I'm worthy, even though everything that happened in the movie is kind of my fault?
PRINCESS NAOMI SCOTT
Well, it's down to you or Prince Billy, and I see him as more of a shopping and karaoke buddy.
MENA MASSOUD
Okay, I'm in. But first: Will, for my final wish, I make you both free and a real boy.
WILL SMITH
You mean...?
MENA MASSOUD
Yes, you're a Genie who fucks now.
WILL and NASIM high-five and go to town on the CARPET.
EXT. THE OCEAN
WILL finishes his STORY.
WILL SMITH
...and the Genie learned that the real magic was the friends he made along the way. The end.
He looks at JADEN and WILLOW, who fell asleep HALF AN HOUR ago.
WILL SMITH
Finally! No one to stop me!
(to tune of "Arabian Nights")
Genie realized his dream
Got a boat and Nasim
They had two kids, ain't that nice?
Yeah, you don't really care
But we'll lay his fate bare
IN THIS STUPID-ASS FRAMING DEVIIIICE!
END